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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Dancer29 Offline
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Question Confused and Incapable of Trust - May 17th 2016, 10:16 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My parents have repeatedly told me, that the day I turn 18, they never want to see me again. I'm not sure if they are emotionally abusing me, because everything they tell me is morally justified.

What's unfortunate, though, is that my parents are the only people that ever cared about me. I try hard, to make them happy, but I always mess up. When I mess up, I usually take out my anger on my younger sister, and my parents are very protective of her. I've already destroyed my relationship with her, and can't trust her anymore.

I hide things from my family, because they're quick to judge and dole out punishments. I don't have friends. It's impractical that I get friends right now, because everybody at school hates me. Also, because my parents are strict, I'm not allowed to leave the house, unless they are accompanying me. I'm not allowed to call or text people. My parents read my emails.

I feel like I have no control over my life, and that I'm losing my mind. Telling my parents won't help at all. I want a way out. I want to end my life. That's the only thing that I'm capable of, right now.

The only way that I can get better is by making friends, but I feel as if I can't trust anyone anymore. This is probably a really basic question, but how do you make friends? Could someone list the steps?

Also, is there any way that I can mend my relationship with my family? If I can love people again, I might want to live.

By the way, I can't talk to a therapist or other family member, and there are no "trusted adults" in my life.
   
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Re: Confused and Incapable of Trust - May 18th 2016, 08:42 PM

Your parents are definitely emotionally abusive. The fact that they seem to favor your sister as opposed to loving you equally can point to some personality disorders (such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Some parents are overprotective and controlling, but it seems like your parents take it to an extreme and that makes me think they have some mental health issues of their own. That doesn't justify treating you poorly though.

As for mending your relationship with your family, I don't know that you will be able to. Your parents seem toxic and unhealthy and many people like that don't change. I think the best thing for you to do is start planning your future so you know what you're going to do when you turn eighteen. It seems like your parents are the source of a lot of how you're feeling and you can begin to heal from them when you're no longer living with them.

You might be able to slowly mend the relationship with your sister by refraining from taking your anger out on her in a physical way. Instead, find other ways to take our your anger. Maybe you can listen to loud music, scream into a pillow, exercise, get out of the house, or write letters to them and then find a way to destroy them.

I think you'd benefit if you got out of the house as much as you can so you have an excuse not to be around your parents. You can look into volunteering, or maybe you can join some clubs in your community or consider working. If you're too young for working you can do odd jobs (dog walking, house sitting, etc).

Try to focus on things you do have control over. Your parents read your emails and your text messages and accompany you out of the house, but what are you able to do on your own? If you can't make a big list, try to find things to do on your own. That might help improve your mood a little bit.

When you're feeling suicidal, try to think of what your future's going to be like. Think of a life without toxic people. What do you want to do for work? What do you want your house to look like? Do you want pets? Things like that sometimes help suicidal feelings. I know turning eighteen probably seems a while away, but when you are eighteen, you can live life the way you want. You can be free in just a few more years.

There's no set way to make friends, but I think it would help if you tried volunteering like I mentioned earlier so you can meet new people. You can make friends by being yourself, but also by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone as well. You can try new things and find new hobbies and things like that.



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Re: Confused and Incapable of Trust - May 18th 2016, 11:15 PM

Cassado, you read one tiny post which sounds more like someone who is really upset than someone who is in life threatening danger. You said in another post that you need to look at the perspectives of other people, yet you automatically determine that his parents must have some mental disorder and that they are emotionally abusive. How does that make any sense. He said he takes his anger out on his younger sister. He probably said some hurtful things to her. Does that mean he has a mental disorder and is emotionally abusive towards his sister? His parents have said some hurtful things to him I'm sure. But I definitely don't know anyone who hasn't said hurtful things to someone out of anger. It doesn't make it right to do that, but it also doesn't mean they have a mental disorder. They check his emails and don't let him go places without them. Same thing with me when I was 13. I was well behaved most of the time but I would mess up and would have to earn my mom's trust back. I'm not "damaged" from being grounded. I'm not trying to rip into you, but I think it's ridiculous. Now on to your question bro. Making friends is most certainly difficult. Making real friends at least is. It takes time and effort for a friendship to last. Try and find someone who has simililar intersects ( sports, movies, music, ect...) and go from there. When I was 13 man, I thought really similarly to you when I got pissed off. I still do a little bit but not nearly as close as I used to. You can absolutely fix your problems with your family, contrary to what some people might say. It takes maturity and you have to remain calm. Try not to take your anger out on your sister. Then keep making baby steps to repair the damage. Good luck man
   
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Re: Confused and Incapable of Trust - May 18th 2016, 11:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpplease2000 View Post
Cassado, you read one tiny post which sounds more like someone who is really upset than someone who is in life threatening danger. You said in another post that you need to look at the perspectives of other people, yet you automatically determine that his parents must have some mental disorder and that they are emotionally abusive. How does that make any sense. He said he takes his anger out on his younger sister. He probably said some hurtful things to her. Does that mean he has a mental disorder and is emotionally abusive towards his sister? His parents have said some hurtful things to him I'm sure. But I definitely don't know anyone who hasn't said hurtful things to someone out of anger. It doesn't make it right to do that, but it also doesn't mean they have a mental disorder. They check his emails and don't let him go places without them. Same thing with me when I was 13. I was well behaved most of the time but I would mess up and would have to earn my mom's trust back. I'm not "damaged" from being grounded. I'm not trying to rip into you, but I think it's ridiculous.
Thank you for your opinion.

I did not say that anyone's parents HAVE a mental disorder. I said they COULD have one. I did not determine anything, I simply laid out some different options. Being told by your parents that they don't ever want to see you again after you're legally an adult is damaging. People do not naturally mistreat other people. There is some kind of underlying cause that makes them mistreat others. I know the signs of emotional abuse and signs have been shown from what has been written.

You don't have to like my advice.


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Re: Confused and Incapable of Trust - May 19th 2016, 02:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpplease2000 View Post
Cassado, you read one tiny post which sounds more like someone who is really upset than someone who is in life threatening danger. You said in another post that you need to look at the perspectives of other people, yet you automatically determine that his parents must have some mental disorder and that they are emotionally abusive. How does that make any sense. He said he takes his anger out on his younger sister. He probably said some hurtful things to her. Does that mean he has a mental disorder and is emotionally abusive towards his sister? His parents have said some hurtful things to him I'm sure. But I definitely don't know anyone who hasn't said hurtful things to someone out of anger. It doesn't make it right to do that, but it also doesn't mean they have a mental disorder. They check his emails and don't let him go places without them. Same thing with me when I was 13. I was well behaved most of the time but I would mess up and would have to earn my mom's trust back. I'm not "damaged" from being grounded. I'm not trying to rip into you, but I think it's ridiculous. Now on to your question bro. Making friends is most certainly difficult. Making real friends at least is. It takes time and effort for a friendship to last. Try and find someone who has simililar intersects ( sports, movies, music, ect...) and go from there. When I was 13 man, I thought really similarly to you when I got pissed off. I still do a little bit but not nearly as close as I used to. You can absolutely fix your problems with your family, contrary to what some people might say. It takes maturity and you have to remain calm. Try not to take your anger out on your sister. Then keep making baby steps to repair the damage. Good luck man

From the things the person described her parents are abusive. Parents should not say they want their child out of their house at 18 because it is extremely damaging and if the user doesnt have the means to move out their parents are destining them to homelessness.

Cassie gave excellent advice and while you are entitled to disagree that doesn't mean that your opinion is correct. Parents should not make hurtful comments to a child they love
That is emotional abuse.


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Re: Confused and Incapable of Trust - May 19th 2016, 03:16 AM

I agree with Cassado, this is emotionally abusive. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Sure people say things in the moment here and there but these are parents who are repeatedly putting their child down. That's not just anger here and there.

I think it can be really challenging trying to make friends when you grow up in a toxic environment. It can damage the way you feel about yourself and you may feel like your social skills are inferior to everyone else's because you hadn't had support in so long.

Like it had been mentioned, volunteering can be one way to make friends. I started out by joining various clubs, activities and volunteer opportunities and just kept pushing out of my shell despite how nervous I was or socially anxious. One barrier is not knowing where to start. But I find that once you search around, then find a single place and write down all the details on a piece of paper or create a note on your phone, you're more likely to go. That's because you have the information and the only thing left to do is show up and see what happens. When my mind is anxious and looks for an excuse, if I know it's something I would regret not trying, I would anticipate the possible excuses and then prepare for it. So like an example from what I was saying earlier, if my excuse is that I cant go is that "I dont know how to get there", before my anxiety gets bad I would look up the directions in advance and so on.
   
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Re: Confused and Incapable of Trust - May 19th 2016, 04:11 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about the way that your parents are treating you right now. I know that man tells you to give up, but truthfully and honestly, that's nothing but an attack of the enemy Satan himself. You can overcome this, by accepting Christ in your life and asking Him to be your Savior and help you to overcome this suicide attempt. You know when we go through situations like this, man tries his best to tell us to give up and that we will never be worth anything, but that's when God steps on the scene and shows His perfect plan for us. One thing that should make you smile is His plan never fails just as in 3 John 1:2 says, He wants to see you prosper and have good health. I hope this helps! Have a blessed night!
   
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