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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Calaer Offline
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Unhappy Disapointed I'd say. - May 29th 2016, 05:48 PM

So a few months ago, my father came back in to my life. I haven't allowed him to just jump right back in. I told him it would take time, that we are totally different people, and that it would take a while before I could trust him again. He was understanding of that, and accepted it. Well, after that, he kept texting me and calling me just to talk and chat, but he never wanted to come see Ava.

I finally told him that I wasn't looking for a Friendship with him right now. That I wanted him to get to know Ava, and see how Ava would react to him coming back in to our lives. He hasn't tried to see her at all. I've reached out to him, and I've invited him to come hangout with us, and he always has an excuse. It's kind of upsetting.

I don't know why I'm so upset over it, but it just really bothers me. I've just messaged him again and asked, and he said that he can't, because yet again, he is busy. I'm so frustrated about this. I'm going to feel horrible when he finally decides to show up, and Ava starts to like him, just for him to skip out and leave again. I hate that people just assume that Ava doesn't get upset over things like this.

Anyway, I have no idea how I'm going to handle this. I've told him that it bothers me, and he didn't want to talk about it, and was very dismissive. I don't want to be mean, and throw a fit about it, or cause any trouble, but this is really laying on me heavy. I want Ava to feel loved and I want her support circle to be there all the time, not just when they feel like it, and that's what he is asking for.

He wants to be a part of her support circle, but only when he feels like it. :\ It just doesn't seem right. I dunno, I'm just sad about it more than anything. Anywho, thanks for letting me get it out. If there is any advice, I'd be thankful.

So yeah, thanks.

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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Samuel Offline
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Re: Disapointed I'd say. - May 29th 2016, 06:08 PM

Trying to understand what's happening, sorry, I'm new, and don't know who Aba is. Is she a yiur daughter or sister or....?
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Re: Disapointed I'd say. - May 29th 2016, 07:31 PM

Have you thought about giving your dad an ultimatum? Like basically telling him that you expect him to show more commitment to being in your life and in Ava's life and that if he doesn't begin showing that interest and coming to see Ava then you don't think you can have him in your life because it is causing you to much pain/stress/heartbreak to have to deal with feeling like he might leave at any second and that he'll just hurt you and Ava.

Also, if this is how things are, maybe it is for the best that he doesn't see Ava for now. Ava is pretty young right? Like under 3? So yes, if a person is in her life she'll be upset if they leave, but since she isn't yet having her own independent life it shouldn't be that hard to just not bring your dad around her until you are comfortable with his presence in your life. Like it's ok for your dad to move away - I grew up with grandparents who lived far away and my children will grow up the same and it's not like I am emotionally damaged because of that - so, should your dad become a part of her life but then need to move somewhere or something, there is a way to frame that for her so that it won't upset her like by saying "gramps has to move away, but he's going to come and visit again soon and he'll call you in 6 sleeps" or something like that - but that still means that your dad has to commit to not just disappearing like a ghost. That commitment will be just as good for you as for your daughter.

With that said, it sort of sounds like the damage is done between you and your dad. Yes, you guys can move forward with a healthier and positive relationship, but he's hurt you in the past and I think it is entirely possible that you can keep the same from happening to Ava while repairing your relationship.

How have you been communicating this stuff to your dad? I know it might be hard, but if you haven't tried it aready maybe you can take him out for lunch or coffee, tell him upfront you really need to talk to him and that you need him to not avoid the topic or try to walk away and then go from there, lay everything out on the table; what you expect, how you feel etc. It might be uncomfortable or whatever but if everything has been communicated by phone so far, then that might be a big part of the problem in that he's more easily able to shut down the conversation. Maybe you can also try writing him a letter and if the conversation doesn't go well, you can give it to him and write it in a way that says "I know you're not ready to hear me out or deal with these things, so here it is written own for a time when you're ready for it"

I hope this helps.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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Re: Disapointed I'd say. - May 29th 2016, 09:29 PM

I don't know what's happened between you and your father though from what you've written he seems to come and go whenever he pleases. I understand that you want him to be there for your daughter and I think it's really great you're putting her first and thinking her before anything else, but this may also be your problem. You're thinking of Ava but you're not thinking of your father. Again I don't know the whole story but perhaps the reason for his coming and going 'whenever he feels like it' is because he has his own personal demons and doesn't really know how to be there for her. There could be a whole load of reasons why he keeps coming and going not necessarily just 'because that's who he is' or anything similar, there's always a reason and perhaps he's not ready to discuss it yet hence why he becomes so dismissive when you try and talk to him about how the situation is making you feel.

You've said that he keeps texting you and calling you to chat, and maybe this is the best course of action for the time being. Allow him to get to know you first and see how things go. Don't force him to involve himself in your daughters life when right now he may not be ready to. One step at a time.

Life is for living, not for losing.
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Re: Disapointed I'd say. - May 30th 2016, 02:48 PM

Ava is my daughter. Yes. And my dad was very abusive to me growing up. I left his house when I was 16 and never looked back, a few months ago, he contacted me saying he misses being a part of my life, and wants back in. Over the years my dad has tried the same thing, but I simply wasn't ready to forgive and move forward, so I would always turn him down.

This time, I'm older, I'm over what has happened in the past, and I decided to see if he was willing to change. (Clearly he hasn't.) Ava is three. (Just turned three this April actually.) And While it was great advice to allow my dad to get to know me before he gets to know Ava, I simply don't want a relationship with my father.

He has asked me to try and build something back up so we can be a family again, but I'm not looking for that. I'm only doing this so Ava can know her entire family, and not just Jordan's side of the family. (Jordan is my husband.) I know that my sound pretty bad, but just because I forgave my father for the past, doesn't mean I need be friends with him, or 'build back our family together.'

That just seems simply impossible. I'm always going to flinch every time he steps near me, and I'm never going to feel safe going back to my childhood home simply because that's where all my bad memories are. While I've forgiven him for his mistakes, I'm afraid I'll never be able to forget about it enough to feel comfortable being there, or being that close to him again.

Now with that being said, Ava isn't allowed with my father by himself. He knows this, and he knows why. My Dad isn't drinking like he used to, going to his meetings, and hasn't had a violent outburst in almost two years, which is why I'm allowing him to see Ava. (Or trying to allow him to see Ava, at-least.) I think I'm just disappointed that he has bothered the crap out of me for the past three years to see her, and when I finally let him, it's just 'not good enough' or I guess the thought of seeing her has lost it's luster with him.

Thanks for all the advice, and sorry for not adding more detail in the first post about the situation.

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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