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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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marieari Offline
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feel selfish(?), hurt by gay bff - June 21st 2016, 05:56 PM

My best friend since forever (been together almost literally all of our lives) came out gay this year.
He knew that I'm bisexual (girl) since we were 11 and that I loved him, yet he only told me a month (maybe even two) after telling like 3-4 other friends.. I obviously didn't make a big deal of it but I was kinda hurt..
It feels selfish to be hurt by this.. Am I a terrible person?
   
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Re: feel selfish(?), hurt by gay bff - June 21st 2016, 07:44 PM

Hey,

You're absolutely not a terrible person for feeling hurt, but you might be looking at it the wrong way.

Coming out to people you're close to can be really, really hard for some people. Not for everyone, obviously, but sometimes it takes a whole lot of thinking before you feel like you can come out. I'm gonna pull from my own experiences a little bit here. I'm sort of in the situation of your friend. I've come out to a few people, but I wasn't really close to any of them. I can't even imagine trying to tell my best friend, even though she's lesbian and would definitely be okay with it. There's just something really daunting about telling really close friends and family a big piece of information like that, because even if you know they'll be accepting, it feels like this is the sort of thing that could change a relationship. It's easier to tell people I'm not as close to because it won't be as bad if they don't handle it well, and I'm not really worried about bringing up this big new thing in our relationship. Old and close relationships are usually a lot more comfortable than new ones with new people, and it's easier to give a newer person a new piece of information about you than it is to risk messing up the easy routine and comfort of an old relationship.

Basically, just because he told you later doesn't mean he doesn't trust you or anything like that. I think it's very likely that he was just being careful with you because of how close you guys are. For me and for a lot of people I've talked to, it feels easier to start telling people on the outside of your friend group and tell closer people later (even if it doesn't really make sense logically). And even if he had some other reason, it's his thing, and he needs to handle it his own way.

I hope that made sense! Good luck with this You can always shoot me a message if you have any questions or just want to chat.

~Estelle



The opposite of war isn't peace - it's creation
~Jonathan Larson

   
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