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~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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I dont get why he just did that - May 16th 2017, 07:57 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I dont know if i am allowed to call it abuse or not but I put it as triggering abuse because that's what it seems. But I am probably being stupid.


The last time my father physically hit me was last summer. At the time he did it out of anger and to shut me up but then afterwords he just went on about how it was only a joke and how he cant believe I dont think it was a joke and he even gave me silent treatment because he said he cant talk to people who get upset easily and whatnot.

Today when I came home from therapy he slapped me on my face out of nowhere. But he was smiling. I just stared at him and he blew kisses at me as if the slapping was a joke.
I dont know what to make of this. Please help?! I was just telling my therapist today that the home environment is emotionally abusive but hadnt been physically abusive in a long time besides that one incident last summer and then I come home to this. It's just weirding me out.

I feel like it is my fault because last night i self harmed because I missed the physical abuse. I am upset at myself for missing it but I wrote in a personal writing that I feel like I deserve physical abuse. I dont think he saw it unless he went through my personal items.

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; May 16th 2017 at 08:20 PM. Reason: I was being stupid so i made it general triggering.
   
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Re: I dont get why he just did that - May 16th 2017, 09:54 PM

You changed the prefix you used but it wasn't stupid of you to put an abuse prefix. Slapping someone, as your father slapped you after therapy, is wrong. Perhaps he played it off like a joke to rationalize it to himself. He may think that he is allowed to hit you if he is "joking."

It's not your fault. Missing abuse is normal and though it may feel like missing it is what brought your dad to hit you, it likely did not. It is your dad's fault. He is the only person in control of himself and he hit you; he shouldn't have done that.

Maybe you can write more of your feelings or even take some notes (if you have a safe place to do so) that you can keep around for your next therapy session. You could also utilize out of session contact if that's an option to you.

Thinking of you.


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Re: I dont get why he just did that - May 21st 2017, 10:48 PM

I can't do this anymore. I really just cant.

Mh goal for the end of the summer is to reduce all my belongings so I can go to a shelter. But why not just kill myself instead? Same thing....what kind of person plans out to go to a shelter?

It might be even more violent and dangerous than it is now.

I just can't keep gojng when every breath feels like I'm being hit by a brick. I am losing my sense of clarity, my thoughtd, my orientation. I barely even get to heal from my past or develop a sense of identity. I just don't want to go through this anymore.

These speeches about love are disgusting me. Why does he love my sisters and not me? Why am i the exception?

Why can't he talk to me like a human being? Even when he needs a favor, he barks at me abd expects me to drop everything and rush over to him. And maybe I did that for many years but I don't want to snymote. I'm done with this sick game called who can terrorize Maizel into being an obedient servant the fastest. Or who can think up how to shame hER whole using hunot and pla Ying it off as a joke and ma king it subtle so everyone is desenditized to how much what theyre dlong hurts . You win! Everyobe wins! Just let me cry in peace now

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; May 21st 2017 at 11:05 PM.
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: I dont get why he just did that - May 22nd 2017, 02:43 PM

A person who looks into homeless shelters is a strong person. They are able to see that their current life isn't working and that they need to leave to help heal themselves. Someone looking into a homeless shelter is putting themselves first, and is taking a potentially scary leap into the unknown and that makes them brave. That makes you brave.

A homeless shelter could be worse than it is now, or maybe it won't be. It could allow you to begin to heal from your past and deciding to go to a homeless shelter for a while doesn't mean you will live in one forever. You can come out on the other side of this.

I don't know why he can't talk to you like a human being. Perhaps he doesn't respect himself enough to respect you. You are so much more than how you have been treated, though. Remember that.


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Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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