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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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London1621 Offline
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Don't know what to do. - May 26th 2017, 01:04 AM

Does anyone else have to be perfect because that's who your parents want you to be? Well that's how me and my sister have to be all the time. I'm glad that school is over, because my parents wouldn't expect anything less than A+ from us and we go to a private school. I do like school, but I have asked them why do we have to be perfect all of the time and they have always said one answer to me. That's, you need to be the best at everything. I believe that if you truly try your hardest and your not perfect then that's okay. But it's not for my parents. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be perfect, because the truth is I am not always happy. I don't know how to tell my parents this. If anyone knows what to do, can you please help me.
   
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Re: Don't know what to do. - May 26th 2017, 12:52 PM

It must be difficult trying to be perfect because perfection is expected by your parents. You have a good mindset in trying your best is important.

Have you talked to your sister about how she feels about this? If you talk to her and she feels similarly, perhaps she can come with you when you speak to your parents as a support and she can share her own perspective as well.

Do you feel comfortable verbalizing this to your parents? If so, maybe you can write a list of bullet points you'd like to discuss so you can take that along with you. You can let them know you'd like to talk about something and ask when you can have that discussion and then go from there. You said school is over now, but someone such as a school counselor or a regular therapist could work as a mediator if you'd like to try that in the future.

If you don't want to verbalize it, you could write a letter and include what you need to talk about. You can give it directly to your parents or you could put it in a spot where you know they'll find it. This is a way of putting the ball in their court and it makes them have to bring the topic up, so you don't have to do it. Some people find it easier to do it that way.

Regardless of how you choose to tell your parents, hopefully it goes well. Feel free to keep us updated.


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Re: Don't know what to do. - May 27th 2017, 01:19 AM

Thank you. I haven't talked to my sister. But I can try to and see how she feels and how that goes.
   
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Re: Don't know what to do. - May 27th 2017, 09:32 AM

Have a look at a book titledThe Rigid Pattern: Part Five of The 5 Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler (or you can get the whole book: The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity by Steven Kessler). Personally I would title the book The 5 Survival Patterns, since that's what it really talks about. Being "perfect" is what the author calls the "Rigid Survival Pattern". It basically is a way of dealing with a deep insecurity, and the survival strategy to deal with the deep insecurity is to be "perfect". Only it doesn't work. It's like a dog chasing his own tail. You can never achieve the goal.

Fortunately the book does give some advice on how to get out of this survival pattern.

First recognize when:

you're following the Rules of some outside authority, rather than referencing your own felt sense for guidance.

Solution:
You need to focus on your feelings and sensations as the source of your inner guidance.

(Note: Morality doesn't come from some external source. Morality is based in our emotions. We need to be in touch with our emotions in order to be moral individuals.)

People need to feel loved and cherished just for their beingness, without having to do anything.

To heal, they have to move toward feelings, rather than forms and rules. Their developmental tasks are to learn to feel and value their own feelings and needs, to trust their own feelings as their source of inner guidance, and to allow the full flow of their force energy to move through their body.


However, as I reread your post, I see I may have completely missed the point.

Sorry, my mistake.

Let me try again.

I see you go to a private school.

So your parents are wealthy.

Unhappiness is a U shaped curve, with poor people on the right unhappy, supposedly because they are poor, then middle class people in the middle tend to be noticeably low in the unhappiness curve, then, surprisingly, as we move left towards the wealthy people, we see a rise in unhappiness again. Wealthy people are unhappy. They set the bar so high for themselves, it's impossible for them to achieve. They can't just be normal happy people, they have to be better than normal happy people, so they can maintain their status as better people who deserve to be wealthier than normal people and their whole system falls apart, and they end up being miserable, trying to be better.

Is it just grades? A B C D F ?

I've always been suspicious about grades. I realized if I repeated first grade right now I'd get an A+ in everything and I wouldn't learn anything. I'd be absolutely perfect! But I'd learn nothing!

On the other hand, If I were to take some very advanced class that was very difficult, I'd probably learn quite a lot, but get a low grade.

My first semester of college I got very high grades. I even made the Dean's List and I didn't learn anything, because all the classes I already knew everything they were covering. It was all review for me, so of course I did very well, but it was also kind of a waste of time, because I really wasn't learning anything new.

Later on, I took some harder classes, I learned a lot more, but I got lower grades. The dean was no longer happy with me, he took me off his "Dean's List" because my grades were no longer high, but I was learning so much more!

I decided this whole grading system was F****d up, and the Dean could stick that silly list where the sun didn't shine, because it obviously was the stupidest thing in the world, and grades were obviously a terrible way of measuring how much a student was learning, the whole system was horribly flawed, and I could either choose to learn a lot, or get good grades.

Plus there's so much more to learn besides academics. There's learning how to interact with others. Learning how to socialize, how to flirt, how to get a boyfriend/girlfriend, how social politics works, how office politics works, how to have fun, how to maintain a balanced life, how to enjoy life, how to be happy, what makes me happy? What makes my parents happy? Can I please my parents? Do my parents want me to be happy? What do my parents think makes me happy? Do my parents understand me? Do I understand my parents? How much do the grades I earned last year really matter this year? How much will my grades really matter next year? Or in 2 years?

OK here are the best links I have on how to argue with your parents. Unfortunately, it's late and I don't have time to find where in these links the paragraphs are that explain. You have to figure out which of the 4 personality types each of your parents have, and which of the 4 types you have. That may take some work, and guessing. But it can give great insight into where they are coming from, and why you are on a different path, if you can figure that out.

http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/index.asp
dating:
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/lz1.asp
college:
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/cz10.asp
jobs:
(here's Finding Your Passion or What Makes a Job Right for You?)
http://www.keirsey.com/personalityzone/wz2.asp

OK I need to go to bed. Good luck and best wishes!

   
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Re: Don't know what to do. - May 31st 2017, 06:12 PM

I talked to my sister and asked her does she like to be perfect, and she told me no. She doesn't like it and she said that she will help me talk to my parents together. I hope they will not get upset with us.
   
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