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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Mom thinks we're dating?? - July 14th 2017, 03:08 AM

Okay this is so stupid but anyway...for some reason everyone thinks my best friend and I are dating. My mom in particular. And it wouldn't be so much of a big deal except she is getting upset that I'm talking to him all the time because "boys and girls can't be friends." Then teachers want to separate us in class because dating's not allowed and they think we're flirting. We've been friends ever since we were 15, we're 17 this year. My mom doesn't get why we sit together constantly in classes...it's only because he's very effeminate and used to get bullied a lot so I'd always try to stand up for him and I wanted him to have a partner if we needed to do group work...

So, here's the thing. I'm biologically female. I like girls. My friend is male. He's bisexual but he's dating another boy. There's literally zero chance of us ever dating. I'd only date a girl and he's been with his boyfriend for three years, I reckon they're going to get married because we're 18 next year. But I can't just say that we're queer because his parents won't be okay with it and mine won't nor will his boyfriend's. And it's the most important to me that his boyfriend's sexuality is kept a secret...his boyfriend is gay and his dad is a pastor who will not be very happy, to put it lightly.

See, my mom thinks we're dating because we text each other so much...almost everyday, sometimes very late at night and I don't want her to read my texts. That's only because I came out to him only recently and I was saying how my dad was homophobic and I made him promise not to tell anyone. If my mom saw that she'd be so pissed off because even though she's kind of homophobic herself, she still thinks it's her "right" as a parent to know about it first. Plus it's just weird like if she eavesdropped on our conversations. And if she saw the amount of heart emojis, she'd probably die. But if I tell her we're not dating, she acts like I'm all deceptive and says I wouldn't tell her the truth anyway. So there's no way to win...

I really don't want to out either of us. I wonder if she'd even let me have a bisexual friend, she thinks being bisexual is just being confused anyway so it doesn't matter. It's just that I feel like our friendship is in danger of being forbidden by my mother and I don't know how to get it through to her that we're really not dating :/
   
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Re: Mom thinks we're dating?? - July 14th 2017, 01:10 PM

This isn't stupid. It is good that you shared and hopefully it helped to get things out of your mind.

You said your mom said that "boys and girls can't be friends." Maybe you could have a discussion with her about that statement. You could let her know that friendships are quite varied and they don't always consist of people of the same sex. You could talk about how it is very common these days to have more than girl-girl or boy-boy friendships, especially at an older age.

Do you text your friend a lot in front of your mom? Or is she just aware that you message each other? Maybe when you're around your mom, you could try to be more in the moment with her. If she doesn't see you texting as often, her beliefs about the two of you dating may die down a little bit. You could designate time each day to spend with your mom without texting and then you could talk to your friend later in the day. You could also find different ways to talk to your friend (such as an online platform, away from a phone) so that your mom doesn't know exactly what you're doing.


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Re: Mom thinks we're dating?? - July 26th 2017, 01:21 PM

Thanks for the reply, I don't really even text him around my mom...it's more that she assumes. Even if I do, I usually lie and say I'm texting one of my female friends just because it's easier. And she does know that a lot of people I'm friends with also have boy-girl friendships but she doesn't understand why they don't just date :\
   
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Re: Mom thinks we're dating?? - July 28th 2017, 01:58 PM

Are there other people in your household that know you can have varied friendships without necessarily dating the person? If so, maybe you can talk to them and then talk to your mom together. If someone else is with you, such as another parent, a sibling, or a school counselor, your mom may be more likely to hear you out.

You could also try to do some research on different friendships and then show your mom what you've found. Doing this could encourage her to continue her own research to begin to understand a little more.

How has your mom been with it lately? Has anything toned down or is it still the same?


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