TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives


You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lionheart Offline
Member
Regular TeenHelper
*****
 
Lionheart's Avatar
 
Name: Oliver
Age: 25
Gender: Agender
Location: Neverland

Posts: 462
Blog Entries: 206
Join Date: December 17th 2013

Unhappy Might loose my best friend - October 18th 2017, 05:16 PM

So this is about my best friend again. Lets just call her T for now.
We have been best friends since kindergarden, for years she was my only friend and she is still the most important person in my life. More important than family or anyone else. And her opinion matters the world to me.
This is, why this now is so damn painfull.
I've complained before somewhere on here and in my blog that I feel treated wrongly by my friends and especially her. Lately it has gotten worse and I kind of started to see her differently. Like I'm realicing how negativ she is and how often she puts things and people down. She tends to get annoyed really quickly and while she is not exactly taking it out on us, she makes sure we know exactly how annoyed she is with us. She has always been really sarcastic, but lately I can never tell if she really is angry with me or if she is just joking and even if I ask her if she is seriouse I don't get a real answer to it. She makes fun of all kind of mistakes I make and talks bad about our friends when we are alone. Well she does have reasons for it (things that annoy her and some of them really are annoying) but still, she is overdoing it.
Yesterday we were talking about our coursework and I wanted to share my plans for the semester with her so I said that since I have many assignments I want to start early on them. She interrupted me and started talking about all the things she has to do and how it is so much but I wouldn't understand.
It hurt. Because I actually do understand and lately I get the feeling more and more, that she doesn't even care about what I have to say. More than once I have regreted even saying anything or asking for her opinion, because I never get any real advice or stuff. Just her talking about all of her problems or telling my I'm exagerating or that she doesn't want to hear about it. But when i told her I don't want to hear about it she gets angry at me.
Up till now I have always stuck up for her. When she was angry at the others, I was angry with her and listend to her complaining. If she bitched at me for being annoying or useless or overdramatic, stupid (insert whatever you want) I left and cried some but forgave her because she is my most important friend and I know that she is a really loyal and kind person at heart. But lately I don't feel like doing that anymore. I don't ask her for advice anymore but discuss things with my other friends. I still stick to her side, when she is angry at the others and stuff, but I don't agree anymore, because I suddenly see how much in the wrong she is.
I don't want to tell her anymore about my courses or work or anything, because she'll just tell my I'm annyoing or how much worse she is and I don't want to hear it, so I hardly talk to her about these things. If I accidentaly make a comment I make sure to change the subject as soon as possible. Same goes with other things. Like she doesn't like to talk about many things that interest me and gets annoyed really quickly so I try not to talk about these either.
And the thing is... I feel like we are drifting appart. Like I can't talk to her about anything that is important to me and her bad qualities seem to get worse (though i might just now have realiced them).
I feel myself wanting to spent less time with her and more time with the friends I made last year at uni. It's only three people but I like spending time with them. They make me feel at ease and I can talk about whatever I want. If they don't like it the tell me in a friendly way and they actually like discussing difficulties in our studys and talking about our workload and how to handle it, whithout getting mean and making me feel awfull. They just make me feel good. Not like her.
Not that I don't have a good time with T but lately the times she has made me feel really bad have gotten more and more. I don't want to lose her. She is my best friend and she helped me so much when I was at my lowest (Also we are living together in her moms house so it would be awkward as fuck if our friendship broke). I don't know if she has changed lately or if I have just started to see these things now and they were there all the time. Either way. I don't want to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do about this.
We both don't like to talk about our feelings or are any good at it. And I have no other idea on what to do. But I don't want thing to stay like this either. I've done so much for her because I like her a lot and she has done a lot for me to, but lately she just seems to use me as a punching bag.
Sometimes after she insulted me or made some comments that really hurt me (and I told her to not say certain things as they are rella hurtfull which she ignored) I would leave and cry somewhere and I would think that she doesn't actually care for me as a friend anymore but as someone convenient to rant to and take her anger out on. Sometimes when I'm really low I feel like she only keeps me around because she thinks I'm pathetic and it makes her feel better about herself. Like I guess she doesn't have the best self esteem and looking at someone as ugly and annoying as me gives her a good feeling, because at least she isn't like me. I konw thats not true (at leats I hope) but sometimes she makes me feel exactly like this. And I want it to stop. But I don't know how....
Sorry for the long rant... any comments or advice are appreciated


It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
Hello, autumn.

TeenHelp Addict
************
 
cynefin's Avatar
 
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: a pumpkin patch

Posts: 9,260
Blog Entries: 1383
Join Date: August 25th 2012

Re: Might loose my best friend - October 19th 2017, 01:31 PM

Hey,

It does sound like your friend is negative and unhealthy to be around. You said youíve asked if sheís being sarcastic or not and you donít get a clear answer; perhaps sheís being sarcastic with some truth laced in there. Being sarcastic might be an outlet, or a way for her to cover her negativity because people will think sheís Ďjust joking.í

You mentioned that you are both living together and it would be difficult if your friendship broke because of that. Living situations can be difficult, but do you have anywhere else you can go? Could you live with any of your other friends? If you can change your living situation, you might be able to break off the friendship with T.

If you want to try to salvage the friendship but donít want to verbalize your feelings, you could consider writing a note to her and you could go from there. If you donít salvage your friendship, however, maybe you can remember your friend as the person she was earlier when she helped you through a difficult time, as opposed to the way she is now. The way she is now doesnít take away what the two of you had before.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016


Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.
Autumn nurtures my soul.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Lionheart Offline
Member
Regular TeenHelper
*****
 
Lionheart's Avatar
 
Name: Oliver
Age: 25
Gender: Agender
Location: Neverland

Posts: 462
Blog Entries: 206
Join Date: December 17th 2013

Re: Might loose my best friend - October 22nd 2017, 03:27 PM

Hi Cassado, thanks for your helpfull reply.
It made me realice that actually I have to make one of two choices. Either breaking the friendship or trying to save it. No matter how I try to get around it, I guess I will have to do one of these two sooner or later.

I have options if I couldn't live with her anymore. I would have to go back to my parents which would be awkward, embarassing and give me some other problems, but it would be entirely possible without giving me any disadvantages. So i guess I'm save on that side, even if I would really like to avoid that. Moving in with another friend is not possible, cause I wouldn't be able to cover the costs with the money I make. It's only possible with her since the flat belongs to her mom and we don't have to pay as much.
So I guess if this were to end, the only thing that would take a blow is my ego, but I would be save and have somewhere to live.

But I'm not planing to break the friendship. I guess I should try to write a note and let her know how I feel and see if we can maybe get a talk started from there (even if we both hate talking). She's the most important person in my life and we have been friends for 22 years. I don't want to lose this, simply because we are going through a rough patch.
Maybe we have both changed and we need to re-adjust. I guess that could be something I could start with. That I think we have both changed and things were fine, but now that we are different we need to re-adjust and maybe even get to know each other again because I have been ignoring part of her personality and she has been ignoring part of mine. We are just so used to the things being how they always were we didn't realice that they actually aren't like always anymore...
Actually now that I think about it, I feel rather confident, that this might be the case and if we just manage to talk about it we will be able to figure something out.

I'll have to wait a few days though since a friend is currently living with us (she suddenly lost her flat and now is staying with us till she finds something new) and I guess it would be rather awkward for our friend if we discussed this with her around.
So I guess I'll write T a note or maybe even have the guts to start a real conversation about this, as soon as our friend is away (either at her parents or in her new flat).

I'm sorry I'm rambling again, but I guess I just need to tell someone sometimes to sort my thoughts out.
Anyway thanks for making me realice that I can't just wait this out but have to do something and for helping me to realice what I actually should be doing (a.k. talking to my friend)


It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
Hello, autumn.

TeenHelp Addict
************
 
cynefin's Avatar
 
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: a pumpkin patch

Posts: 9,260
Blog Entries: 1383
Join Date: August 25th 2012

Re: Might loose my best friend - October 24th 2017, 01:08 PM

Iím glad it helped you!

Twenty two years of friendship is a long time and since she is so important to you it is awesome that you want to try to work through the rough patch the two of you are experiencing. Even though the two of you do not like talking about your feelings, perhaps itíll be therapeutic and strengthen your friendship in the long run.

You said you have to wait a little bit to speak to your friend because another friend is living with you. So, keep us updated on how things go if you feel comfortable!


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016


Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.
Autumn nurtures my soul.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Lionheart Offline
Member
Regular TeenHelper
*****
 
Lionheart's Avatar
 
Name: Oliver
Age: 25
Gender: Agender
Location: Neverland

Posts: 462
Blog Entries: 206
Join Date: December 17th 2013

Re: Might loose my best friend - October 29th 2017, 05:59 PM

So our friend went home for the weekend (and she also found a flat so she won't be staying here mouch longer).
I carefully told her that I had the feeling she has been in a bad mood lately and that I was worried I m the reason for it and that she has been acting differently. She admited that she has.
The last weeks have been super busy for both of us and there were a lot of people here and then our friend staying over and she said it was just to much for her. I know she doesn't like to be around many people. She's more introvert than I am (though both of us are mistaken for extroverts).
She said she has just been hating people for the last weeks. Not just me. Everyone. She just wanted to be left alone, but there were so many people and she couldn't tell anyone (she never says no if people ask her for something). And that it didn't have anything to do with me. More like, I am the only person she feels comfortable showing her bad mood to, so I kind of got all the bad feelings while she was nice around everyone else.
We ate together today and made plans to cook together on tuesday. She's a lot calmer now and more like the person I know and like.
So I guess we made up
I guess we just didn't realice how we react to certain things. Like she didn't realice I would feel hurt if I'm the only one she is mean to and worry that something is off. And I didn't realice that she is reacting so badly towards being around many people. I mean, I knew she doesn't like crowds and things quickly get to much for her. But I never realiced it was to this bad. Though it actually explains a lot. Not only why she has been so mean the last few weeks but also every single other time. It's never when we are alone (unless she is super stressed) but always when there are many people at our home or we have been out the whole day with friends.
Now that I know why, I guess I won't take it so personal anymore, if she is mean and instead I might be able to think of something to help her instead. Maybe I can help her learn how to deal with these feelings instead of lashing out at me so she won't have to be mean in the future but instead knows how to calm down on her own
I'm feeling rather positive about this. Might also be because I'm the only one she actually shows her real feelings to (even if it's not nice) which kinda makes me feel special^^ And because I've learned a lot of tricks to deal with these kind of feelings and might actually be able to help her
I feel like we can solve this together easily if we just work together
Thanks again for your help! I probably wouldn't have said anything without your encouragement


It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
Hello, autumn.

TeenHelp Addict
************
 
cynefin's Avatar
 
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: a pumpkin patch

Posts: 9,260
Blog Entries: 1383
Join Date: August 25th 2012

Re: Might loose my best friend - October 31st 2017, 01:28 PM

It’s really good that you talked to her and the way she’s feeling makes sense. It can be difficult to be busy and to be around crowds if you aren’t a fan of being around a lot of people. It sounds like you two made up and it’s awesome that you want to help her the next time you notice that she is feeling low.

I am happy for you! Making up with her must feel lovely.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016


Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.
Autumn nurtures my soul.
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
friend, loose

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright ©1998-2018, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.