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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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my ex is homeless now... - October 27th 2017, 07:28 PM

my abusive ex-boyfriend, who i talked about in this thread, called me last night panicking because it was his first night on the streets being homeless. there was already a ton of tension in his house, where he lived with his mom and younger siblings, but yesterday he was talking bad about his mom and his younger sibling snitched, so his mom kicked him out for good.

some people might say it's karma. i mean yeah, at first i was kind of secretly thinking that too. when he called me he said he didn't know who else to go to because i'm the closest person to him. and when he said that, my dumbass thought he meant distance-wise, not relationship-wise. but nah, he said i was the only person he had, because he's cut off so many of his family members and lost his old friends and now all he really had was his immediate family and me.
there was some irony in the fact that he was so abusive to the one person who he had in his life, and now that i'm gone he has nobody during the hardest time of his life.

nevertheless, i would like to be able to help him somehow. i'm not going to give him money as long as i can avoid it, but i did tell him that when he needs to shower he can come over. i don't think my parents will have a problem with that, as they didn't even know about our relationship. i've been considering if i should even ask them if he could stay here until he gets his shit together. at least saturday nights, because he works during the week so he needs to stay somewhere down closer to his work.

but i'm just feeling conflicted.
i know i don't have to help him at all, and that he probably didn't even deserve me to answer the phone yesterday. but i just know how much he's struggling and how stressed he is. before this happened, he was stressed because he just bought a new car, but spent all his money on the car so he didn't have enough for the tags and stuff, which is due at the end of this month. now he's afraid that he's going to get pulled over and have even more to worry about, if he gets in trouble for the tags. and he was mad at me for not offering to help him pay for his stuff, because he said he would help me with something i needed as long as he had the money. while we were together he got mad because i bought my new job outfit even though i had less than $100 in my bank account, and because he said he would've bought it for me. so i don't doubt that he would help me if the situation was reversed.
but i only feel that kind of obligation when i'm with someone, and i'm not with him anymore. i know in my head that i don't owe him anything, especially not to help pay for his huge car bills. but it just hurts to know that he thinks i'm a shitty person, because he would still help me even though we're not together, and he thinks i'm a bad person because i won't.

and now, in addition to those car bills, he's worried about how he's going to buy an apartment with little to no credit. even though he'll eventually have the money for one, it'll take at least two months. so two months he'll be homeless, and i just can't even imagine being in his shoes.

so i know i'm probably not supposed to even want to help him, after everything that i've been through with him. all i can say is it's empathy, and if i was in his shoes i wouldn't want to feel alone either. i can't just abandon him to do this on his own, you know? but i'm not going to screw myself over either.

so what can i do to help him that won't cost me very much? i won't have a problem buying him small things like gas or food sometimes, but i won't let it get to the point where he's relying on me either.
i told him he should find a homeless shelter, and was planning on looking up some around his area, but i think he's still too much in denial to want to go there. i brought it up and he immediately said no, but i could hear how scared he was in his voice so i think it's just the fact that being at a homeless shelter would make it "real". then again, if i were on the streets, i would want to go somewhere.

is there anything i can do? and is it okay that i still want to help him, even though he was abusive?


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Re: my ex is homeless now... - October 28th 2017, 03:05 AM

I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to help him. However, I do think that you need to take into account if she should actually help him. Would it be safe for you to help him? Would it give him the impression that you two were still an item which might lead to him becoming dangerous when he finds out that you do not want to be with him?

While I empathize with him being homeless, your well being is the most important thing.

I know there are ways for people to get apartments without credit or bad credit. Sometimes they need a co-signer, other times they have to rent a room. Although, if he bought a car and is making payments, he should be building credit that way.

Two months is a long time but it might be best to let him figure it out on his own. If you will be safe helping him and it won't lead to you getting further involved with someone who is abusive, then it might be okay to help. However, if you do that it is imperative that you set up boundaries and rules. It's also important that if he doesn't respect your boundaries, you stand firm and let him know he needs to leave etc.

Best regards.


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Re: my ex is homeless now... - October 28th 2017, 12:38 PM

As it has been said, there definitely isn’t anything wrong with you wanting to help him even though he was abusive to you. It just shows how much of a caring person you are.

Sitting down and taking some time to think about whether or not you should help him and how you should do that if you decide to might help you. It is awesome that you want to help him but remember to take your health and well being into account before you make a decision. How do you think this could impact you? Would you feel unsafe facing him in person, etc?

Maybe you could help him find resources and then back away after that. You’d be helping in a small way and then you’d still have the opportunity to look after yourself as well. You could make a list of shelters, soup kitchens, and things like that. Whether or not he uses them is entirely up to him but they’ll be available when he feels ready to to use them.

Keep us updated.


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Re: my ex is homeless now... - October 31st 2017, 04:37 PM

okay, lots of updates.
when i first posted this, he had a car and a job, and he needed a place to stay.
now he has a place to stay, but his car broke down and he got fired from him job.

god seriously hates this guy.

okay so, two days after he became homeless, i told my parents about him and how he needs help, and what we/i could do. the plan was to ask if he could stay a couple nights here but they shut that down immediately. (they don't know we even dated or anything about him, they just don't like the possible legal consequences.) but i asked if he could at least shower here and they said yes. so he came over, showered, and they actually wanted him to stay for dinner so he did. my parents really liked him, and my mom told me how, "kind and gentle" he seemed, to which i had to bite my tongue.

the next day i called my grandparents, and now he's renting a room out of my grandparents house because they need extra money (side note, i think my grandma might have cancer or something because she kind of hinted at it to me and said she needs to go get a bunch of tests and treatments done at the hospital, but said that if my parents haven't told me yet then she doesn't want to tell me. so yeah, my grandma has some horrible illness and my parents are hiding it from me.) he just paid them last night, so he's good for this month, but he doesn't have enough for next months rent.
that wouldn't have been a problem though, because he pretty much makes almost the same as his rent every week, so he would've been good.

but last night i went with him to drive to his old house to pick up stuff like his tv and all that. while we were on the freeway, the engine blew out. i used my AAA to get it towed to a repair shop, but now he doesn't have a car until they can see what's wrong with it and if he can afford to have it fixed.
but i offered to drive him to work and everything. that was the plan up until super late last night, when he randomly messaged me and told me it was fine and he'd just take the day off to focus on going up to see what's up with his car.
this morning he called work to take the day off, and they told him he was fired because his attendance was bad.
i had gotten mad at him in the past for taking days off, even though he did have reasons for them all. but yeah. he called me this morning and i couldn't accept that he wasn't joking.
like... things were just starting to look up. it's been a huge fucking emotional rollercoaster these past few days with him. the night i drove him over to meet my grandparents and they said they liked him and he could start living there that night. that night we found out he wouldn't have to sleep in his car again. that was such a happy night and we were both so ecstatic. i rarely cry because i'm so happy but i did that night.
but then everything else happened. and it's to the point where if there was any point god was trying to make, it's overkill now. if he was trying to make a joke, it's well past the point of being funny.

so now i'm going to help him search for jobs. reading your replies i realize i've done a lot more than i really even should have, to help someone who hurt me so much. it hurts me so much to know that if i were to tell my parents or my grandparents about what he did, their opinion of him would change so drastically, and so i need to keep one of the worst experiences in my life away from some of the best people in my life.
he doesn't deserve this. and he realizes that, don't get me wrong.
last night when we were sitting in his broken down car, he went on this rant about how he hates himself for dragging me into this, and how he never should have even met me. he hates that he made his life my problem too and that he feels bad for ruining my life these days. he was talking about how he wants to die and just let me live a long, happy life without him. i just started crying. i wish i had something wise and insightful to tell him, but i just cried instead like a little bitch. because deep down, i feel like somehow this is my fault. it was my idea to take the freeway instead of the side streets like he wanted. he asked before we left if he could drive my car, but i don't let anyone drive my car so i said no. if i said yes this never would've happened.

i did tell him, though, that he can't blame himself for making this "my problem" because i chose to make them my problems. i chose to make him my problem. i could've very well told him to fuck off when he called me telling me he was homeless, but i think i care about people too much sometimes.
i told him that as long as i care about him, his problems will always be my problems too, whether he likes it or not.

but i just don't know when this is going to end.


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Re: my ex is homeless now... - October 31st 2017, 08:08 PM

Jess, I am going to give you my two cents and I can understand if you react negatively to it. I always see the worse in everything and everyone. So, this guy is reaching out to you for help, and you are helping him out despite him abusing you in the past. I think it's important to look at the finer details and see if he really does want your help or if he is taking advantage of you.

He may not be now, but I would definitely keep an eye out for warning signs. It can begin as something insignificant, such as him using all the hot water or the last of the toilet paper without letting you know, but it's still something to keep your eyes open for. I don't know, as I said, I see the worst in everyone but maybe there are qualities about him that makes you want to help him.

Besides, you sound like such a lovely person and I think it's great that YOU are looking out for him despite him hurting you in the past.

I just don't want to see you get hurt, that is all.

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Re: my ex is homeless now... - November 1st 2017, 09:14 AM

sounds like he might have a secret hidden drug addiction problem. that would be consistent with the short temper, abuse, poor judgement (buying a car he can not afford), and generally manipulating other people's emotions to get them to help him.

of course no proof, and I could be wrong a about the drugs.

still the rest is the same. they tend to steal from people. have your grandparents put any valuables in a bank safety deposit box. nothing else works. they will find the best hiding places. they will find the key or combination to a lock.

it's actually easy to not be homeless if one wants to. there are shelters as you mention.

these people can slowly change, if they want to, and are willing to put in the effort to change their attitude towards life. its not hopeless. many eventually succeed at becoming better more spiritual people.

you could attend some nar-anon groups, or al-anon, or Families Anonymous groups. There you learn how to deal with these type of people, hear and learn from others, plus it feels good.

its a fine line between enabling them to stay the same, and enabling them to recover and improve themselves. its not always clear. one main message is take care of yourself first. don't let their drama become your drama. don't let them move in and destroy the peace and sanctity of your dwelling. you can keep them away and still be loving. you lovingly keep your distance. don't try to fix them. encourage them to seek help and fix themselves. a little encouragement, that you see them as "a person with a problem", rather than someone who IS the problem, ponder that and understand the difference. we have problems. we are not our problems.

you'll definitely fit into any of those groups above. even if no drugs or alcohol is known, the situation is still the same and you will be welcomed and find the help and encouragement you need.
   
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Re: my ex is homeless now... - November 1st 2017, 01:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by del677 View Post
sounds like he might have a secret hidden drug addiction problem. that would be consistent with the short temper, abuse, poor judgement (buying a car he can not afford), and generally manipulating other people's emotions to get them to help him.

of course no proof, and I could be wrong a about the drugs.

still the rest is the same. they tend to steal from people. have your grandparents put any valuables in a bank safety deposit box. nothing else works. they will find the best hiding places. they will find the key or combination to a lock.

it's actually easy to not be homeless if one wants to. there are shelters as you mention.

these people can slowly change, if they want to, and are willing to put in the effort to change their attitude towards life. its not hopeless. many eventually succeed at becoming better more spiritual people.

you could attend some nar-anon groups, or al-anon, or Families Anonymous groups. There you learn how to deal with these type of people, hear and learn from others, plus it feels good.

its a fine line between enabling them to stay the same, and enabling them to recover and improve themselves. its not always clear. one main message is take care of yourself first. don't let their drama become your drama. don't let them move in and destroy the peace and sanctity of your dwelling. you can keep them away and still be loving. you lovingly keep your distance. don't try to fix them. encourage them to seek help and fix themselves. a little encouragement, that you see them as "a person with a problem", rather than someone who IS the problem, ponder that and understand the difference. we have problems. we are not our problems.

you'll definitely fit into any of those groups above. even if no drugs or alcohol is known, the situation is still the same and you will be welcomed and find the help and encouragement you need.

If you've ever talked to someone that is homeless or has been homeless (I've done both) it isn't 'easy' to not be homeless.

Firstly, the homeless shelters are usually full and, a lot of the time, they are more dangerous than, simply, living on the streets. There are also other things that go into a person not being able to get out of homelessness and all it takes is talking to people who have been homeless and are still homeless.

That being said, OP is taking on a lot and, at the end of the day, their well-being is a lot more important. Sometimes, a person has to be 'selfish' and put their needs above others.

OP has done a lot for this boy and, hopefully, things start getting better for them. OP also needs to be aware of the fact that this boy might not feel like getting is stuff together. Helping him look for jobs is great but he has to be the one to put in most of the effort. He has to be the one to call the places he's applied to and he has to be the one who maintains the job. Since he lost his previous job due to attendance, he is going to have to make a really big effort to not let his attendance affect any future job he might get.

The thing that is hard about all of this is, even if we care about someone and want them to succeed there is only so much that a person can do to help another person succeed. At the end of the day, the success of another, is, primarily determined by themselves. It sounds as if this boy has a lot more support in place than a lot of other homeless people out there so, hopefully, he will not blow it. But, if he does, there is absolutely nothing that OP can do and there will come a point when OP will have to decide how much more help she can offer.


Best regards.


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