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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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The Darkness Offline
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Am I just an ugly person? - October 28th 2017, 07:18 AM

So like I'm housemates with one of my friends and their friend. I already think one of my housemates doesn't like me because of what they hear from my friend housemate but I'm not really sure. My friend housemate is cool, but they've been accusing me of leaving messes in the bathroom (which are sometimes not mines) and just general like rude things happening in the house and now I feel bad vibes here in the house from both of them. I'm afraid they're talking about me and gossiping about me but I'm not sure about that. Like just right now I saw them all together in my living room and when I joined them they decided to leave. I felt left out, unwanted, and unliked.
I guess it all stems from like what happened last semester with the friend drama I posted about before (the friend who called me abusive) and I'm afraid no one likes me. I've had people not talk to me after the summer because of what happened and I don't want that to happen to my friends.
I'm just starting to wonder if it really is me that's just an ugly unlikable person or if I'm just paranoid and scared because of what happened?
Also, I'm wondering if I should tell my friends what happened in that friendship drama? I want to tell them because I want support in me feeling left out and my relationship with relationships but idk if I should bring it up or keep keeping it to myself. I'm torn because I'm scared of people's reactions and if they'll like me after I tell them that.
What do y'all think? Idk what to do.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - October 28th 2017, 01:52 PM

Perhaps it is a little bit of both feeling paranoid and having friends who are acting differently. You’re not an unlikeable person. Maybe you’re questioning things more with these friends because you struggled with that other friend last semester. It is understandable to question things more often because of what happened last time, but hopefully that won’t happen to you again.

But, even though you could feel a little paranoid, from an outside perspective it seemed a little odd for both of your friends to leave when you decided to join them. Did they say anything about why they were leaving or did they just get up and walk away?

Maybe you can talk to them about how you’re feeling and let them know that not all of the messes left in the bathroom are yours. It may help to talk to them about what happened last semester. The worst scenario is that they have a bad reaction and if that is the case, maybe they need time to think it over or they’re not the right friends for you. However, If they have a good reaction, you could open up an avenue to more support. You might even be able to tell them that because of what has happened, you sometimes need more reassurance and support with your current friendships.

Best of luck.


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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - October 28th 2017, 02:15 PM

Cassie provided a great response and I hope it helped.

I think, that the best thing for you to do would be to talk to them about how you are feeling. It is possible that they do not realize that they are acting this way. There could be plenty of reasons as to why they left the room when you sat down and all of that. Also, sometimes living with friend's can change the dynamics of the friendship for a while because each person is trying to navigate living in close quarters and all that.

If you talk to them, you can make them aware of how you are feeling and they can clarify things. Talking to them could help you get insight because, hopefully, it would lead to an open conversation and if they have a problem with certain things you are doing, that conversation might lead to those things being discussed.

Best of luck.


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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - October 29th 2017, 03:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
Perhaps it is a little bit of both feeling paranoid and having friends who are acting differently. Youíre not an unlikeable person. Maybe youíre questioning things more with these friends because you struggled with that other friend last semester. It is understandable to question things more often because of what happened last time, but hopefully that wonít happen to you again.

But, even though you could feel a little paranoid, from an outside perspective it seemed a little odd for both of your friends to leave when you decided to join them. Did they say anything about why they were leaving or did they just get up and walk away?

Maybe you can talk to them about how youíre feeling and let them know that not all of the messes left in the bathroom are yours. It may help to talk to them about what happened last semester. The worst scenario is that they have a bad reaction and if that is the case, maybe they need time to think it over or theyíre not the right friends for you. However, If they have a good reaction, you could open up an avenue to more support. You might even be able to tell them that because of what has happened, you sometimes need more reassurance and support with your current friendships.

Best of luck.
Well, after I arrived and was chatting with them for a little, the housemate who I think doesn't like me was like "Can we like go?" and my friend was like "Yeah I wanna go too" and they all left and my housemate friend was like "oh we're just going to [friend]'s house to hang out, see ya later" and I'm sure they'd planned it out already but I guess I wish they'd extend an invitation or something so I can feel like I'm wanted there but can have the power to accept or refuse.
I do think of telling the group about what happened. I definitely think it would be beneficial for everyone to know, I just don't know how to bring it up either. We usually get together on wednesdays after the social group we go to so I was thinking of doing that but sometime we don't and idk if that will be the case this coming wednesday. Talking to each of them individually seems redundant in the sense that I would have to retell the same story to like 8 of them. And I don't want to have a special reunion or anything for this.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - October 29th 2017, 02:32 PM

Perhaps they did have it planned out but as you said, it would have been nice if they extended the invitation to you so you could be included in their outing.

Telling everyone at once seems like a good idea so you don’t have to tell everyone separately. One thing to think about, since you aren’t sure how you want to go about it, is telling one or two of your friends first and then retelling everyone as a whole. It might help to have those friends you know beforehand as a support when you tell everyone else about this.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
   
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The Darkness Offline
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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - October 29th 2017, 11:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
Perhaps they did have it planned out but as you said, it would have been nice if they extended the invitation to you so you could be included in their outing.

Telling everyone at once seems like a good idea so you donít have to tell everyone separately. One thing to think about, since you arenít sure how you want to go about it, is telling one or two of your friends first and then retelling everyone as a whole. It might help to have those friends you know beforehand as a support when you tell everyone else about this.
Well, I've already told my closest friend, but they don't stick around much after the social group because they don't live on campus. I'm not really as close to anyone else so I'm wary about telling anyone else unless its when telling the whole group. I wouldn't know who to pick anyways since I'm not that close to anyone. I keep thinking of one friend to tell, but we're barely close and idk I feel it feels weird with them to ask for support. Also, I'm not even sure how I'd go around bringing it up or anything. We're usually so lighthearted and silly I don't know how to serious the whole group.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - October 31st 2017, 01:30 PM

Do you know what your friend does after the social group? Do they just return home, or do they have other errands that need to get done? Maybe you could ask if they could stay for a few extra moments so you have some support when you tell the rest of the group.

If they can’t stay or you don’t feel comfortable asking them to, maybe you could let the people of your group know beforehand that even though you’re all very lighthearted, you want to bring a more serious topic to the table for a few moments. They will likely remember this and that can kind of hold you accountable for telling them about things. This way, you can plan it a little bit without having to bring it up right on the spot. You will have brought it up a little bit earlier.


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The Darkness Offline
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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - October 31st 2017, 09:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
Do you know what your friend does after the social group? Do they just return home, or do they have other errands that need to get done? Maybe you could ask if they could stay for a few extra moments so you have some support when you tell the rest of the group.

If they canít stay or you donít feel comfortable asking them to, maybe you could let the people of your group know beforehand that even though youíre all very lighthearted, you want to bring a more serious topic to the table for a few moments. They will likely remember this and that can kind of hold you accountable for telling them about things. This way, you can plan it a little bit without having to bring it up right on the spot. You will have brought it up a little bit earlier.
Since the group ends at 10pm they have to rush home before the busses stop running so I don't want to hinder them from getting home.
Also, I dont want to make it awkward and official where I have to sit them down. I want it to be like I was thinking of just bringing it up by saying "hey yall there's something I'm strugging with and i wanna ask for your support?"
Idk I think I'm overthinking this and I should just not even bring it up anymore idk


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: Am I just an ugly person? - November 3rd 2017, 01:02 PM

That makes complete sense and it could definitely seem more serious if you warn them beforehand and it is understandable that you do not want that. What if you wait for a lag or a similarity in conversation. If there’s a lag, you can kind of bring it up but if there’s a similarity you could say “Speaking of [similarity] I was thinking of something I wanted to tell you.”

You’re not overthinking it, you just want to go about this in a way that feels safe and comfortable to you and that is a positive thing. Definitely bring it up if it is something that is bothering you. If anything, you may be able to get some needed reassurance on the topic.


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