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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Exclamation How to break off a friendship!!?? - February 26th 2018, 08:55 PM

Alright. So to try and make this simple, I want to break off a friendship with someone. I'm not really sure how? Just to give some background here;

I met this girl my husband started working with about a year ago (maybe?) and we became friends kinda slowly. We found we enjoyed some of the same things, but now things are starting to get a little bit more than a little rocky. So this girl got married at the end of last year. Her husband and her almost annulled the marriage because the husband cheated on her and told her that he never wanted to marry her in the first place but felt guilty b/c they had been dating for ages. (He has also been unfaithful during their courtship) Now the reason I'm saying this, is because she is all the time trying to give me marriage advice, and it drives me insane. My husband and I have been together a total of seven years. We've been married five. We are in a healthy, solid marriage and we are more than capable of working things out on our own. But since she works with my husband, the chat about things, and she will ask him advice. Based on our experiences he gives it.

After their talk, she will message me telling me how to fix my marriage? I've talked to her about this and explained to her that the things my husband tells her about have already been worked through and fixed, and that there isn't really anything to fix. I've also talked to her about how this makes me uncomfortable. She refuses to stop.

Also for a bit of background I'm 23 and she is 21 so she isn't that much younger, but she acts like a 16 year old. (That's not to say that all 16 year old people are immature or anything like that, so please don't take offense.) She also does not want children ever, and I get that. Some people do, and some people don't. My husband and I do very much. We have one daughter, and would like to expand our family someday. Anyway, her mother ran a day care for a few years our of their home, and now she thinks she is qualified to talk to me about how I'm raising my daughter. It drives me insane. I've also asked her to stop but she won't. She doesn't even really like being around kids all that much, so she has very limited experience from what she's told me with children. So I have no idea why she thinks telling me how I should raise my daughter is okay.

She also 'gives advice' for things I don't need. A few examples of this are:

-My daughter's 5th b-day is in April. I've been preparing everything. (We had make all of our goodie bags and decorations. It's a family tradition we've started since our daughter loves crafts.) She has been telling me HOW to make the decorations and WHAT decorations I should make.

-She tells me how to bake. (I've been baking since I was 7 with my Grams who's a baker. I love some advice here and there, but she acts like I have no idea what I'm doing)

-What make up to buy. (I don't even wear make up. The most I put on my face is chapstick.)

-How to take care of my pets. (This is just flat annoying more than pisses me off.)

I'm going insane. I don't want to be her friend anymore. I've talked to my husband about this, and he told me he never really liked her, and that the only reason he didn't say anything is because he thought I did. And I mean I did for awhile, but then she started acting like this and it's just very hard to deal with. Her husband is the same way. When we met, he had short hair and never kept a beard. My husband is the opposite. He has long hair and a giant beard. Her husband grew his hair out, and his beard out, and walked up to my husband one day, in our house, and flat out said to my husband, 'Look, I'm you, only better.'

Her husband is always trying to one up EVERYTHING we do ever. I don't even know why. We aren't trying to do anything. It's exhausting. I told my husband I was thinking of just cutting her out of my life. It's not like her and her husband add anything to our lives but stress and frustration.

My husband has asked that I do things slowly, so things aren't awkward for him at work, but I'm not sure how to even go about this. I just wanna delete her off my social media, and be done with it, but for the sake of my husband, I wanna make things easier. Please help!! All advice is welcome!
   
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Re: How to break off a friendship!!?? - February 27th 2018, 12:15 PM

Hey,

It seems like breaking up this friendship is a good option. You've told this person that certain things made you uncomfortable and she didn't respect that and friendships are a two way street.

It is understandable that you want to break things up quickly but it is nice that you're going to go slower for the benefit of your husband. To end things slowly, you can slowly stop replying to messages and stop hanging out, etc. As for social media, can you hide her posts without her knowing like she may know if you blocked her? If you kind of slowly distance yourself it might seem like the two of you just drifted away and that could help keep the awkwardness at bay for your husband.

Best of luck and feel free to keep us updated.


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Re: How to break off a friendship!!?? - February 27th 2018, 05:06 PM

Thanks so much.
   
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Re: How to break off a friendship!!?? - February 27th 2018, 05:36 PM

Hey there,

In regards to doing things slowly, I agree that it might be best so that it does not make things awkward for your husband. It is not easy to slowly disengage from a friendship because if the other person notices they might try and pull you back into the friendship. I have actually had that happen and I eventually had to block them on social media so they would get the point.

I think the easiest way to do things slowly is to minimize contact/hanging out. If she invites you to hang out it can help to tell her you are busy with xyz or just want to have family time. The more you disengage from hanging out with her the more likely it is that she will end up not making as much of an effort to hang out. I have actually had this happen when I was struggling with depression and I have lost friends I didn't want too.

While I don't usually advise ending a friendship in this manner ... it's a very precarious situation because your husband will still have to interact with her etc. Handling it this way might or might not cause issues as well but I know as people grow they sometimes grow out of friendships because they don't have the same things in common and they don't hang out together as often.

As for social media, you can hide her posts from your newsfeed and there is a way you can hide/prevent her from seeing your updates. In the status update bar you can click on it to say what is on your mind and there is a little bar that shows who can see it. If you click on that you should be able to click 'friends except for' and that should make it to where she cannot see your status updates. I have done this with family once or twice. I am not sure if you can set it that way permanently or if you have to remember to set it that way every time you post something.

I think ending a friendship is always hard and while I do think the best way to do it is to let the person know, there are times when it is easier to just slowly pull away from the friendship. I think I struggled with realizing that it was okay to disengage and not give a reason. So, if you are struggling with that please know it is okay if it is what is best for you and your family.

I hope that things end up working out and I am wishing you the best.


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Re: How to break off a friendship!!?? - February 27th 2018, 07:31 PM

Thank you so much. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about all of this. I haven't spoken to her in two days (but she hasn't tried to talk to me either) and she is already blowing up a mutual friends phone asking all sorts of question that our friend doesn't even know the answers to. Now I'm nervous that this is going to be bad for other friends as well.
   
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Re: How to break off a friendship!!?? - February 27th 2018, 11:09 PM

Hey,

If you two share mutual friend's it is possible she will try and drag them in the middle. There are a lot of outcomes if that happens. For example, I have one friend who has been dragged in the middle of their other friend's conflicts and they don't engage. They let the people know that they respect both of them and that they have to work it out. Hopefully if she does try to drag your mutual friend's into it they will be able to respond in a similar manner.

I think the important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for how she responds for you disengaging. You have no control over her dragging other people into it. You can only control your response to it all. I know that can be hard to understand. I struggle with that at times because I want to protect those I care for but over the years I have learned that those I care for are capable of protecting themselves.


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