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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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I think my mom is going to hate me forever - March 20th 2018, 08:13 AM

A few days ago my brother left his phone out overnight without a passcode on it. My mom went on his phone "thinking it was hers" (they have two completely different models so that's bs) and then naturally, still thinking it was her own phone of course, "accidentally" read through all his text messages, including his conversations with me. Those conversations entailed him telling me my room smelled like weed, me telling him I was high, and stuff along that line. I have a "friend" who used to come over every Tuesday when I was home alone, and he would often use our shower. The only problem with that was he was black, so obviously the hair he left in the shower and around the bathroom looked nothing like the hair we leave there. So every Tuesday I would try to clean up all of the hair, but there were a few times I missed some and my brother covered for it.
I was constantly paranoid about my parents finding out about that, so I would always ask my brothers if they heard my parents talking about me and that friend. My brother texted me asking if that friend had been over anytime soon and I said "not to shower lol why?"

To make a long story short, my mom read those at 1 in the morning, burst into my room and just started yelling at me and reading the texts outloud. In the morning she told my dad about it, he went to work, and when he came home they had to talk to each of me and my brothers individually.
My dad didn't give a shit about me smoking weed or even drinking alcohol (which I admitted to once he specifically asked if I had been drinking alcohol too). Literally all he was worried about was if I was having sex with the friend, which obviously that text was insinuating. I denied that completely, and he said he wants to buy voice-activated voice recorders to make sure that friend doesn't come over again. Okay.

But yeah, my dad basically said that I'm grown, it's my choice to smoke weed because it's "legal" now. (I'm in Cali so it is legal, just not legal for my age yet... but he doesn't have to know that.)
All he really cared about was being held liable if I got in a car accident because of smoking or something. Then he said that if I'm going to smoke he'd rather me do it in the backyard than anywhere else and that was that.

My mom on the other hand... she's still furious two or three days later. Ever since she found out I smoked weed, she's been calling me stupid, loser, low-life, etc. Not to my face, of course, but she's constantly telling my brothers what a "disgusting mistake" I am.
At first it was kinda hilarious to me, because it's literally just weed. I get that for my parent's age and especially for the way my mom was raised (hella conservative, hella Christian) weed seems like any other drug. But I think in my generation, and in this day and age, especially in California, weed is just a plant. It's just a fun time. It's hardly considered a drug. It's a medicine. I know people who laugh at people who try to act like "druggies" just for smoking weed. It's just weed to us. I hate the thought of using hard drugs and I'm deathly terrified of needles. I'm never going to do hard drugs like my mom thinks I inevitably am going to. I tried weed because I wanted to, not because anyone peer pressured me. So I won't do other drugs unless I want to do them, and I'm not fucking going to want to do them. Weed is not a gateway drug like???
So to me it seemed like my mom was having this fucking aneurysm over nothing.

But now it's just getting old... I left for school today and said, "Bye mom, I love you" and she didn't even look at me or say anything. I had to go get groceries today too, and I took my brothers with me, so when we came back home I said hi to my parents and my mom said hi ONLY and specifically to each of my brothers, not to me.
It just hurts because my brother was smoking weed too. He actually started a couple months before me, with some friends at school. I started because my friend's mom got us weed from the dispensary. My brother and I never smoked together, we never exchanged weed, I never sold any to him, we simply talked about it briefly and checked the smell for each other.

My mom thinks I was dealing "drugs" to my younger brother and that I'M the reason he got into weed. I tried explaining that it was two completely separate and unrelated circumstances but she's dead set on the idea that I'm the evil headmaster of all of this.

As much as I try to pretend I don't care what my mom says about me, it seriously hurts. Even though her insults are super weak, I think they hurt more coming from her than anyone else because she's my fucking mom and she's acting like she hates me. She told my brothers she's disgusted to even look at me and she can't believe what a stupid loser I've become.
I already feel like such a disappointment to both of my parents... I turned out atheist despite the extremely Christian way they raised me. I had sex before marriage despite them begging me to wait. Even when I forget to do something stupid, like forget to clean the cat litter box after my mom asked me to. It's just a stupid mistake and I'm busy with school and work so I think it's normal for something like that to slip from my mind. Yet my mom acts like I'm the worst daughter in the world for forgetting something like that.
And now she can't even look at me because I'm such a horrible, disgusting person.

I'm not gonna say sorry because I'm not sorry for shit, and she knows it. I'm an adult and I have the right to make my own choices. The only thing I truly do regret is letting that friend into my parent's house, because I do think that respecting their house rules is one thing I always need to do no matter how old I am, and I failed them in that way. But smoking weed? Drinking? Having fun? None of their business.
But I don't know if it's ever gonna get better with her.


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Re: I think my mom is going to hate me forever - March 20th 2018, 02:00 PM

It might get better in time. Maybe your mom needs a few extra days to let things settle and is being rude to you in the meantime (and that doesn't excuse her behavior). Sometimes parents just need some extra time to think about things. If it doesn't get better anytime soon, her behavior says so much more about her than it does about you.

Things can really hurt, especially when they come from your parents because your parents are supposed to love and care about you. It is natural for us to want to think better of our parents, or to wish to see better from them and that sometimes doesn't happen unfortunately.

Are you doing anything to cope with what she's saying about you? For instance, maybe you can write down the things she said on a piece of paper and then talk back to the thoughts in a positive way; you can write the positive affirmations down and use them when your mom says things to or about you.

Know that at the end of the day, regardless of what she believes or says, you know the truth and she can't ever take that away from you.


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Re: I think my mom is going to hate me forever - March 20th 2018, 11:27 PM

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear that your Mom is treating you this way. It must feel horrible.

I think perhaps your Mom still needs time to calm down from this. She might just be shocked about the situation and may be finding it hard to handle it in an appropriate way. I'm not defending her at all, I'm just trying to see things from her side.

I don't think you deserve to be treated the way you are by her. If cannabis is legal where you live then whether or not you use it is entirely up to you. The same goes for whether or not you drink alcohol. She might not approve of the choice you've made about these two things but it's not up to her. She has made choices in her life and you will make choices in your own. The same definitely goes for your religion. She cannot and should not try to force any faith onto you. I'm kind of in the opposite position to you. My Dad is non-religious whereas I consider myself a progressive Christian. He hates it and has refused to come to my christening and says he won't even come to my wedding when it eventually happens. He says that because he thinks the only reason my partner and I want to marry young is so we can have sex. Little does he know though that as I consider myself progressive, I don't have any problems with premarital sex. In terms of her being angry about the choices you've made about sex, again, it's your body and it's your decision. As long as any sex you're having takes place in private between two consenting adults it's no-one else's business.

However, if your Mom won't communicate with you at the moment, maybe you could write her a letter and try to explain all of this? You don't have to apologise for anything (unless you want to), just explain to her that you want her approval and her affection, and that the fact you guys are fighting at the moment is hurting you, but that she needs to understand that you can make your own decisions. Tell her that you understand it might be difficult to see you making decisions that she doesn't approve of, but that your differences don't mean that you cannot still love and care for each other as a Mother and a daughter. Explain that whilst what you're doing may not be right in her eyes, it's not against the law, and it's what's right for you. It may also be worth using this as a way to get your self heard in terms of her assuming you got your brother into weed, and to tell her that whilst she may think she's only looking out for you, you don't respect her invading your privacy like that. Perhaps you could try to reach some compromises. For example, you could agree that she won't comment on your use of cannabis so long as you don't do it in/near the house, and that she will stop trying to stop you from having sex so long as it's not happening in her home. I know it's hard, but try to avoid shouting and arguing with her, it's unlikely to help the situation. If you decide to write the letter, she might appreciate you trying to make the first move towards resolving the situation.

In the mean time, make sure you're dealing with the effects this is having on you in healthy manner. When ever I'm fighting with my parents I always go down to the gym to get some space and take my feelings out on a punch bag. Perhaps you could tell a friend about your situation so you have someone to go to if things get too much. You could journal or try some creative expression (poems, songs etc) if that's your thing.

Good luck with things
Message me if ever you want to talk.
Honey

Last edited by Honeybadger40; March 21st 2018 at 10:30 AM.
   
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Re: I think my mom is going to hate me forever - March 21st 2018, 05:34 AM

Hey,

I understand some of this but not because I grew up with conservative parents. I have a family member who is exceptionally conservative and has similar views on weed and sex and what have you. I won't really get into my views on it but I will say that I can see the family member responding in this way. It's slightly childish but I suppose some people need time to adjust to certain things? I know here have been times when I have been upset with someone and I gave them the silent treatment but that was because talking about things with them never really worked. It was still probably not the best response for me to have at the time. My point is that it's possible that your mom will get better with time.

I think it's pretty cool that you acknowledge that you disrespected them by having the guy over. That shows that you are actually acknowledging the mistakes you have made. You might not agree with your mom's views on weed and drinking but you have admitted you shouldn't have brought the guy over and that shows a lot of maturity because there are people who would not admit that there was anything wrong with that.

It's common for parents and their adult children to have disagreements about things but the best you can do is respect their wishes. Your dad doesn't want the guy over for sex (maybe right now he doesn't want him over at all?) it sounds like he wants you to start smoking outside and he doesn't want you driving impaired. A lot of those are reasonable things to ask. The driving impaired is actually a really important thing (I do not know if you have done it) but it is dangerous for you and others. I know some people think driving while smoking isn't a huge deal but it does change your reaction time because you tend to be a bit slower.

I think that as long as you are being respectful to your dad's wishes you are probably going to have to put up with your mom until she figures things out. Unless she takes the time to sit down with you and express what she wants from you in regards to respect and unless the two of you are able to have a discussion about the topic you can't really do much else. She has given you much to work with so my hope is that with time she will at least try to talk to you about things in a less hurtful way too.


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