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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Lionheart Offline
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Question How can I deal with a mean friend? - March 29th 2018, 03:29 PM

I need some advice in how to handel being put down and insulted by a really important friend.
My friend and roommate has some really negativ habits, like taking her anger out on me, lashing out when she is in a bad mood and always complaining about stuff to me but telling me to shut up and that I'm annoying when i want to complain or talk about something.
We live together and moving out is not an option for various reasons. Also not being friends anymore is not an option either. Yes, those things hurt a lot, but she is the most important person in my life and without her it would only be a matter of time, till I fall back into depression again and this time I wouldn't have someone to drag me to a doctor again. I need her. As scary as it might be, I feel like my life depends on this friendship. So I really can't end it. Not now. I'm working on standing on my own feet but I'm not there yet.
Also I can't exactly call her out on those things. Even if I actually managed to gather my courage and tell her, how I feel about some of the things she says to me, when she is angry, I couldn't get the point across.
Like, I tried to tell her, that it hurts me when she tells me I'm a bitch and everything going wrong is my fault and I should just die (and worse. She gets super mad when we play Mario Cart. I love the game but I don't want to play anymore, since it will always end with her saying the worst things and everyone else laughing). I tried to tell but she said, that she doesn't mean it and I would know that. And the rest of our friends think its funny too, so according to everyone that is just me. And yes I do know that its just fun but it still hurts, but apparently that is just me being overly sensitive and she can't help it, so I should just suck it up. Or it ends in an argument and I can never win those. I'm not good ad arguing or geting my point across and people constantly missunderstand what I say. And somehow it always ends with me feeling awfull and bad and wanting to apologize. I hardly ever do, ecxept I know I'm wrong or hurt someone but most of the time I'm the only one hurt and I never get an apalogy for those times.
You could say I have given up trying to stand my ground on those things. I can't win and if I disagree ot try to argue I always end up more hurt than if I just let her insult me. Especially since she has a sixed sense or something. If we argue she always knows the right thing to say to really hurt me and calls me out on really painfull stuff.
I have a few ways of dealing with those situations. Like, when i realice she is angry, upset, sad (which turns to anger if I speak to her), annoyed or anything like that I will take the dog and go on a long walk, hoping she has calmed down. Or go to my room. So its mostly just me sneaking out of our flat. Sometimes if she is in a really bad mood and I know and understand the reason and try to help. Like, one time she was super upset because her computer ahd a problem she couldn't fix. I went to my room a few minutes, until I felt she had calmed down and then carefully asked if I could see it. She allowed it and I could actually fix the problem. She's always really thankfull if I help her. Like, when she is angry and I take the dog for a walk and she calmed down when I come back she always thanks me for taking the dog (its hers not mine, but I take care of it a lot).
And I try to avoid playing games with her that might upset her. Thats not such a big deal to me as I enjoy most games so we can just play whatever she is up to.
And if she rants to my and tells me about all te things wrong with her life I just listen and don't say anything. Even if some of them are hurtfull to me. Like, it hurts when i have to listen to her complain about not having enough money and then she goes and buys some merch because she feels like it while i constantly have to recalculate how much money I have left so I don't have to go hungry and still have neugh left over to pay the rent. Not saying her problems aren't important. It just hurts to know I have problems as well and not being able to say a single word about it because it would turn into an argument again (because well she also has the dog and the car and works so much and so hard and my strugle is nothing compared to hers). I try to avoid those. I simply don't tell her anymore if I'm struggling with something. I don't tell her of most of my worries and just go along with most of the things she suggest and wants to do.
But it just hurts anyway. Especially since a few weeks ago she called me out on taking out my anger on other people (yes I do slam doors sometimes when I am angry. I don't have any other way to express myself since I can't talk about it and my coping skills aren't always available right on the spot) and while its wrong if I do that it apparently is ok if she insults me when she is angry.
The worst thing is, she will sometimes bend over backwards to help some of our friends and is the sweetest person with them, but she told me herself. I'm different from them. It makes me feel special. But it also makes me feel like I don't matter. Like my feelings don't matter, but those of others do...
She goes out of her way sometimes to help me as well. But I would rather have her not do that and in turn not hurt me either.
Aynway, lately a few things have been wearing me down and every single time she treats me badly it just hurts so much and I spend so much time angry or hurt over something she said or did. Like yesterday evening when I told her I'll buy groceries in the morning she asked me to bring rolls. So I did. When I got home she was eating breakfast with a friend (she had been staying at our place for the night) and they looked at me all surprised. The friend apologized and we ended up eating the rolls together anyway. But the thing is, my friend thought I wouldn't bring them, because she says I never listen to her because I once or twice forgot something she told me (but I was doing somethign else when she told me those things and she knew but we have had that discussion a few times already and she and our friends agree that it's my fault for not being able to listen and concentrate on soemthing important at the same time).
And I'm starting to get really jealous lately. Like, someone will do something nice and everyone is like "We should thank them" but if I do something nice I don't get a thanks and get angry. Or if my friend or anyone really openly complains about something and noone gets angry at them for being annoying I start feeling jealous as well. And then I'm angry and upset and need to go away.
We were on a convention last week for four days. I spent most of these days napping, because I was so angry all the time (we should be thankfull for the friend whos place we stayed at but noone says thanks if they stay at our place, my friend was mean to me and something she said hit really close to home, and stuff like that). So the whole weekend was more or less ruined, but I couldn't help it. I'm so exhausted from always being put down and keeping all the things I want to say to myself.
And it just feels unfair. Like, why am I the only one noone needs to say thank you to and who is not allowed to rant or be in a bad mood and whom its ok to be mean to and insult?
And I guess it also hurts because it makes me feel kind of wortless.

I'm sorry this is getting so long. i guess most of this is just a rant. What I really want to ask is, how can i learn to deal with these kind of comments? Anyone knows how to make my self not care about it? And feel less jealous and angry if others get treated differently? (at least in my perception, can't garantue it really is that way. Maybe I really am just oversensitvie).


It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

   
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Re: How can I deal with a mean friend? - April 2nd 2018, 02:54 PM

Something to think about is that the word "oversensitive" has a negative connotation. Maybe you can think of that differently and call yourself "emotionally intelligent" instead.

It must be really hard when you're faced with those kind of comments. Ultimately, removing yourself from the source would have a lot of benefit but you said that wasn't an option anymore. Perhaps you can do some self-care and use some affirmations to help increase your feelings of worthiness over time.

You can also write down those comments on a sheet of paper and "talk back" to them to discuss why you're not what those comments are saying you are.


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