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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Kate* Offline
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Dad is coming - May 7th 2018, 03:24 AM

I've posted about my dad before, but the issue is that he's extremely critical of pretty much everything and everyone and he doesn't seem to think the rules he holds everyone else to apply to him. It's been suggested that he may be on the spectrum, but we don't know. After my grad school dismissal and life collapse, I finally made the decision to limit contact with him because the criticism and judgement was the last thing I needed on top of everything else. I had been thinking about doing it for a long time before that, but there were a few phone calls in the aftermath of that event that were my breaking point. I can accept that I will never please him and I can accept that it's his problem, not mine especially because I know it's not just me. But, it's a lot easier to say and do that when I'm not trapped in the car or in public with him while he's ripping me apart. I know at this point he probably won't change and I'm over the need for his approval, but he's a very negative/toxic person. I've tried to explain this to him on several occasions, but he doesn't listen, then he gets hurt and claims he doesn't know or understand why I don't want to deal with him. I will message him on Facebook, but that's it. I can understand why he would be hurt, but it's not like I haven't tried to tell him before, and just because he's upset doesn't mean I need to subject myself to his behavior. It helps to have another person as a buffer, but I already know my stepmom isn't coming. My mom can help a little bit, but she can't be there all the time

I should be getting my insurance card soon and then I can make an appointment with my therapist to deal with this, but he's coming in July. I don't know if I'll be able to see her before then (it's usually at least a month wait), and I'm at a loss. He's only coming for a week, and I was hoping to be able to use work as an excuse at least some of the time, but I'm still trying to figure out how much and which days I want to take off.

EDIT: He claims while he's acting like this that he "just wants me to be happy" which would be fine if that's where it ended, but it feels like he thinks I'll only be happy if my life looks exactly the way he thinks it should. But no matter what I do, there's something wrong. If I do what he wants, they'll be something wrong with that, or he'll latch on to something else. I don't want to cut him out of my life completely, but I don't want to deal with this all the time either.


Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte

Last edited by Kate*; May 7th 2018 at 04:23 AM.
   
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Re: Dad is coming - May 7th 2018, 06:40 AM

I can understand wanting to limit contact with a parent. I am working on figuring out a balance but I live with that parent and will be for a while longer.

It sounds like your dad is toxic and if he makes you feel uncomfortable/unsafe in anyway you can choose to only see him a short amount of time. You can explain that to him or you could do so in different ways. If you and him do better when you only see each other for an hour or two you might b able to limit you visit to a few hours the week he visits. A way to buffer that or prevent the short time from extending is scheduling the meetings before you have to go to work. If you have to be to work at 12pm then meet up with him at 930 etc. I don't know what you schedule might look like but if you have an excuse to as to why you have to leave at a certain time it might help.

I am uncertain if he would be staying with you as that would add another complication. However, you might be able to schedule your days around that? Since I do not know how scheduling works such as if you have a set schedule this might be a bit more complicated. However, if you can request certain days to be on as well as times you might be able to schedule things so that your mom could be there more often etc.

If there are other people who could be around and act as a buffer aside from your mom that might help but I know that might not be a possibility.

I am not sure if this is what you were looking for and if it was not feel free to respond back with more information and myself or someone else might be able to provide better suggestions.

Best regards.


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Kate* Offline
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Re: Dad is coming - May 7th 2018, 07:29 PM

This was great, thanks. I almost always work short afternoon/evening shifts, so that should work. And a lot of times we're visiting other people which helps. He's staying a Tuesday-Tuesday with an event on Saturday that I don't have to go to. I will probably get or ask for Sunday and Monday off. Maybe it won't be as bad as I thought. He'll probably want me to take the whole week off, but I'm not going to do that. I have a job like he wanted and don't want to use all the vacation time at once that it took me over 6 months to get.


Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
   
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