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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Sam
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Rant/Support Wanted? - June 5th 2018, 08:15 PM

So i made graduation gifts for the 5 friends that i have who didnít completely ignore me the past four years and they were all really grateful and all. but iíd been hoping that it would make them start talking to me more frequently and it hasnít. i told myself that if i did this and they didnít start talking to me then that would be it. i wouldnít try to impose my presence on them anymore. but like, imagining their support over the past 4 years is one of the only reasons why iím still alive and iím having a really hard time letting go.
one of them in particular iím really upset about. we used to be really close and everyone thought we were dating even though we werenít. iíve made many attempts over the past 4 years to have an actual conversation with him and itís always seemed really one sided. iím not looking for a romantic relationship with him, i just want to be friends again and it really hurts that he seems so indifferent to my friendship. i get that most people have less free time than me, but even talking once a month would be better than this.
i used to be able to imagine myself being reunited with all of them and having fun and stuff and it was really comforting but now it just makes me sad bc they donít seem interested in that.
   
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Re: Rant/Support Wanted? - June 6th 2018, 01:38 AM

Since this seems to be about friendships more than romantic relationships, I've moved it to the forum where I feel you'll get better advice.

I am sorry to hear that your friends don't seem interested in reconnecting or having fun. I understand how hurtful that feels, especially when they mean a lot to you.

Do you think you'd be able to talk to your friends and let them know how you feel? Let them know that you really hoped that you'd all be able to hang out after graduation. You can tell them that you understand that people are busy and that you might not see them every day like you did in school, but that you were hoping that you could all still hang out and have fun sometimes. Ask them if there is any way you all can arrange times to hang out, whether it's as a group or individually.

Of course, this may or may not work, but at least regardless of what happens, you can say you tried. It might be that they truly didn't realize all of this was going on, and maybe once you make them aware of the situation they may try to change things. Or, they may not be interested as you said. But, at least you can say you made the effort to improve things.

If they aren't receptive to you talking to them, is there any way you can find other friends, such as clubs and social groups in town? That way, you'll still have people with common interests you can talk to and build friendships with. Even if these friendships you have now end, remember that the good memories are still there. It's okay to feel sad, but also let the good memories make you laugh and smile.

Best of luck!

-Dez


   
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Re: Rant/Support Wanted? - June 27th 2018, 08:13 PM

Is it possible that your friends didn't recognize the gifts as an olive branch to reconnect?

Have you made efforts to reach out to them or do you always expect them to reach out to you once a month or so? It sucks when you feel like you have to do all the work with friends, but sometimes you do have to do a little more work, it doesn't mean their liking you any less. As an example, I had a friend who was actually mad at me back in the day (when we were 19-20) because she'd text me first the last few times for a period of, let's say 2 months. I was literally shocked because while she was taking that as some kind of hit to our friendship (e.g. I didn't care enough to reach out), I remember wondering "why are you keeping tabs? We talk fairly regularly don't we? And I have texted first in the past so why are you keeping tabs?" I've also been on the other side of it feeling frustrated because I was hurt feeling like our friendship wouldn't even exist if I wasn't doing all the work to make sure we had a connection.

It might be worth talking to your friends one on one just to kind of be like "hey, I don't want to put you on the spot, but I feel kind of hurt because I made these gifts as an olive branch to let you know I care about our friendship and kind of reconnect a bit, but I feel sort of disconnected right now, like maybe you don't think our friendship is as important as me because we rarely talk as much as we used to, maybe I am misinterpreting things, but this has really been weighing on me. I am hoping maybe we can talk a bit more going forth, or at least hopefully have a conversation right now so I can know where we stand." They might be kind of mad that you'd even assume such a thing, but as least you can get it off your mind and know whether or not your friendship is fine.

Plus, friendships do change. When I first when to uni, I definitely didn't have the same level of communication with even my best friends that I had in high school, we were all busy adjusting to lives at whatever schools we went to and were making new friends we had to also make space for without constantly being glued to our phones. Heck, one of my best friends recently lived with me for several months and went she left, we barely spoke for about 4 months, but it wasn't personal - she was super busy moving, taking a course, and adjusting to a new job, and I had similar demands. So I think it would be good to give your friends the benefit of the doubt when you do talk to them to let them know how you feel.
   
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