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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ZaraWrites Offline
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Lying Friend - July 31st 2018, 08:51 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

A couple weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me [long story short, it was my fault] We were still talking, and we were fine. He then told me a week after breaking up he was going on a date, which hurt a lot, but his friend forced him to tell me... I haven't heard anything else, so I think he did it more as a rebound. My friend then told me that same day that he cheated on me with his friend. I was insecure anyway, but I got angry, and I yelled at my ex. I had a deep conversation that night and he swears he didn't cheat. I spoke to his friend and she said she was trying to sort things out with this guy she likes, and my ex wasn't her type. This is where it comes down to my friend... She told my ex that I had harmed myself so bad, I had ruined one of my tattoos. And she'd lied about him cheating. I made a lot of crap with my family over this, and I want to fix it. I don't want to hide a friendship with him. I know I need to fix it. I do want a friendship with my ex. I just don't know how to tell my family without them getting angry at me. My mum knew from the start I was still talking to him, but that's it. This 'friend' I haven't spoken to since this had all happened. She keeps denying it, but I know she would do that to protect me. I feel like she lied about him cheating just for a quick way to get over him, and because she likes drama.. I just cannot believe she did this, and I need to make it right




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Re: Lying Friend - July 31st 2018, 08:41 PM

It sounds like you're in a difficult situation right now. Hopefully writing about it helped you out a little bit.


You said you don't want to hide a friendship with your ex but you don't want your family upset about it either. Why do you feel as though they'd be upset with you if you remained friends with him? Is it something they mentioned or did in the past? Maybe you can sit down with your mom when you aren't busy and you can tell her what you're comfortable talking about and then let her know that you and your ex are still going to be friends. Ultimately, the friendship you maintain with your ex is up to you and it is unfortunate if your family doesn't approve but they don't necessarily have to.


You said you haven't talked to your friend since this happened. Do you want to talk to her and try to sort things out, or would you rather just leave it as is?


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Re: Lying Friend - August 1st 2018, 06:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by cynefin View Post
It sounds like you're in a difficult situation right now. Hopefully writing about it helped you out a little bit.


You said you don't want to hide a friendship with your ex but you don't want your family upset about it either. Why do you feel as though they'd be upset with you if you remained friends with him? Is it something they mentioned or did in the past? Maybe you can sit down with your mom when you aren't busy and you can tell her what you're comfortable talking about and then let her know that you and your ex are still going to be friends. Ultimately, the friendship you maintain with your ex is up to you and it is unfortunate if your family doesn't approve but they don't necessarily have to.


You said you haven't talked to your friend since this happened. Do you want to talk to her and try to sort things out, or would you rather just leave it as is?
My mum knew that we were talking a day after this had all happened. And I spoke to my aunt and my sister about what happened, but I don't think they'd be happy if I was talking to him. They don't think I owe him anything after breaking up with me. And I do not want to sort it out. She had no right to lie to me about him cheating [I've been cheated on twice, and my ex and I were together for three years, so this was huge] and also she lied to him about something huge, making him worry. So, I don't think I could talk to her again. But my ex and I will be meeting up on Sunday in our town, so in our town, whereas we were gonna go into the next town over. Best option I guess for now




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~ Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones
~ Two Worlds Collide
~ Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones: Here We Go Again

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SKITTLIFY!!!!!
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: Lying Friend - August 1st 2018, 10:20 PM

Maybe you could keep things under wraps for a little while until you feel comfortable telling your family that the two of you are remaining friends. You certainly don't owe anything to your ex but staying friends with him is entirely up to you and what works for you. Your family doesn't have to like your choice even if it may be uncomfortable.


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Re: Lying Friend - August 2nd 2018, 12:55 AM

I agree with Cynefin. It might be best to let the waters cool first, that way you're in an emotionally stable place when you tell your family.

It might be worth it to just lay the cards on the table when you do talk to your family and tell them the reason you freaked out and got upset wasn't his fault at all. Yes, being broken up with sucks, but that doesn't make him a monster; what else was he supposed to do? If it was the wrong relationship for him and there were problems or whatever, was he just suppose to keep stringing you along? I understand why your parents might feel it is doing you an unkindness to be hanging out with you so soon after a break up, but other then that, it sounds like the rest of the shit wasn't his fault. So it might be worth it to explain that your "friend" went out of her way to lie and say he'd cheated thinking it'd make you get over him and you're no longer speaking with her due to this etc. Maybe they won't get it, but if you tell them the truth, at least they can begin to forgive you.

I think it's also worth pointing out that you are an adult; even if he had cheated and broken your heart, you've found a way to move past it, but in this instance he hasn't, and you've solved the problem and chosen to keep him in your life cause he matters to you, even if it's only as friends and that's totally your choice. Even if it's hard, I think that knowing you're allowed to own these choices is a huge thing and standing your ground if people think they get to have a say in choices that aren't hurting, them, or anyone else.
   
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