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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Online
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Name: Eli
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I think he's making a huge mistake - November 22nd 2019, 12:51 AM

I want to preface this by saying that this person is a friend, but they are also a friend I sleep with from time to time. So technically we're more than just "friends," but I feel this fits better in the Friends and Family category than it does in the Relationships and Dating category, as we are not actually dating.

I met this guy, C, on Tinder in the spring of this year. We had both recently gone through major breakups: me with S and him with a girl we'll call M. Early in our conversations we talked a lot about our breakups. We were really there for each other. We talked about plenty of other things too of course but I got to know a lot about his situation with M over the summer and he got to know a lot about my situation with S.

We finally met at the end of the summer and started hanging out regularly. Pretty quickly we ended up sleeping together. We see each other almost every week (although it's been a few weeks since I've seen him due to a hospitalization and his work schedule) and, honestly, he's really the only friend I see other than S. I really enjoy spending time with him.

His relationship with M was very, very messy. He bought a mattress for them shortly before they broke up and she kept it and wasn't making payments on it so his credit was going to shit. They'd fight a lot about that. I really felt he shouldn't text her, should give some time for the wound to heal, but he'd keep texting her, and they'd fight, and he'd feel like shit. I want to support him so I would comfort him when this inevitably got him down, but I really feel it was a predictable pattern and wished he'd stop doing it to himself. It was awkward for me because we're sleeping together and while it's not dating (nor do I want it to be) he's still totally hung up on her and it just feels weird.

Recently they went out to lunch and apparently he got to tell her "all the ways she hurt him." So I guess they talked it out, which is fine, I guess. Then the other day we talked about hanging out but he never got back to me so I assumed he was still asleep. He texted me late that evening saying he was hanging out with M and their old dogs (I guess M kept the dogs when they broke up).

It hurt my feelings. But more importantly, I am really afraid this is the beginning of them getting back together and I feel that is a HUGE mistake. Relationships don't fracture as badly as theirs did and heal back together all nice and pretty. There will be problems, and they will inevitably lead to a tougher, messier, more dramatic breakup that leaves both of them crushed.

Selfishly, too, I don't want to lose our relationship. I mean he's polyamorous, so even if he got back with her we could keep sleeping together, but it would be different. He'd probably want to hang out with her, and how am I supposed to hang out with him and the woman he spent six months trash talking to me but now is super over the moon about again? I don't know what to do with that.

I am afraid it's not my place to say something, but if he gets his heart broken I am going to have a tough time being supportive because I think this is so obviously a bad idea. What do I do? Do I kindly tell him he's being an idiot by hanging out with her again (and even more of an idiot if they decide to get back together) or do I support his happiness at having someone he obviously loved deeply back in his life?

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I think he's making a huge mistake - November 22nd 2019, 02:30 PM

Given all that you've said, personally, and from experience, I don't feel there's anything you can do. Human emotion is not a logical thing. For all that you see the bad idea in his situation, he never will until he properly moves on from her. Until then, all he will see is what he wants, emotionally. He sees the positivity of the situation, and will overlook all the negatives, and the giant neon signs saying,' This is a bad idea.' until it's too late.

There's that saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You can tell him all the things in the world, but until he's ready to see it (which evidently at this moment in time, he isn't) he will only continue trying to pursue M.

I was in a 'relationship' with someone for 14 months which started out as friends with benefits. Despite all the red flags, and my friend who kept telling me over and over about how much the person was a bad idea, how much he worried I was going to get hurt because of them, how much he could see this person was 'scum' (his words) and so many other things... I just kept ignoring it. Deep down I had fallen in love for the first time ever, and my emotions got the better of me. Despite all the things that were a clear no no, I just ignored it. My friend had to sit there with me for 14 months listening to me talk about his person, and sit there supporting me over a chat box because we live in entirely different countries. Sit there watching me cry and sob my heart out over skype calls and voice chats late into the night because of the hurt this person was causing me... yet I still kept being with them. I kept letting them hurt me over and over because I was that in love with them. I knew deep down it wasn't worth it. Logically, it wasn't, but I kept doing anyway. Love is not logical.

My friend had to sit there for 14 months supporting me, being unable to do anything. Knowing ho much of an idiot I was being. I honestly don't know how he managed to put up with me. Almost every night he would come onto Steam and see about 50 offline messages I'd left him because of something that person had done/said to me.

Looking back, my friend was right, about everything. I was stupid, naive. I was a whole lot of things. While the whole ordeal gave me valuable life experience, it was quite a painful lesson.

With all of that said, you already see the situation between C and M is a bomb waiting to go off. However, its up to you if you're willing to push hard and be supportive of him despite what will ensue at a later date. Only you can make the decision as to whether or not you feel it's worth it.

Life is for living, not for losing.
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