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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Arrow I don't have a home. - July 17th 2009, 02:59 AM

IT'S JUST TOO HEAVY FOR SUPERMAN TO LIFT.

I don't have a home. I feel like I'm lost in this pitch black abyss and there's nothing holding me back anymore. The chains to my adoptive parents have been broken, the chains to my birth parents I don't even know. I feel like I can dissolve into nothing at any given second and I'm scared more than ever before because for the first time in my life, I really am alone. I'm not homeless, but psychologically - I am. I fucking hate it. I know I'll sound pathetic telling my friends this, my adoptive family makes me feel like a disappointment for feeling this way, and I hate who I am.

My worst fear was always that my adoptive parents would stop seeing me as their son. I was already kicked out of one family (birth), I couldn't bear being left out in the cold again. I've always felt like I didn't belong, the black sheep of the family and that was confirmed at my cousin's funeral. I looked around and the thing that pained me most was that I realized this wasn't my family, they looked after me, but I knew more than ever before that I didn't belong. Ever since then I woke from the "big sleep" and I've felt lost ever since. My unconsciousness became my consciousness.

I don't know where I fit into the world anymore. I feel like a boy without a home. When I'm around settings that remind me of the place I come from, I get this torn homesick feeling. I yearn to go back there, for safety from my life spiraling out of control. I just want to know where I belong. You can't choose family, no matter what my past is - that's my past, for better or worse.

At the back of my mind, it's always been there - I didn't feel like I deserved to participate in the father/son, mother/son events at school throughout life because my mother and father left me a long time ago. Those events were for normal people, not aliens like me.

I just want to fucking run and hide, but I can't. God, I just want to be numb. I opened Pandora's box and ever since I've never felt so alone. With the search - my adoptive mom looks at me like I'm not her son when I bring it up, she started accusing me of not believing she's my mom, and guilts me by using my birth mother against me. My adoptive father doesn't care at all, which really makes me wonder if he ever saw me as his son or just a friend as he put it my whole life. I literally have no one.

I fucking hate him - my birth father. He left us. My birth mother had no choice but to give me away. If he never left, maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up.

Quote:
FROM SOMETHING I WROTE IN HIGH SCHOOL:

Check the unconscious coming out of the writing...

PETER
I don’t help anybody; I just make problems worse. My life is that of a lonely stranger, trying to find his way back home.

BEN
You are home.

PETER
If I’m home why do I feel like a prisoner? I can’t tell anybody anything, not about me… ever since I got these powers I’ve had to hide who I was.
Those "powers" would be that I have a strong belief that my father was a resistance fighter, a criminal, an assassin, something to do with tracking people down and eliminating them. I've been forced into situations throughout my life that I knew exactly what to do felt like it came naturally, like it was in my blood. I mean, do you know how much of a freak that makes you feel? Knowing that you can kill someone, even if it's to protect someone, and you know exactly what to do and it has little effect on you? I can't let my parents ever find out what's inside of me, they find out what I am - they'd disown me. No doubt. Even if I do only use it to help people and don't cross the line.

I'm trying to become the man I'm supposed to be. To become the Superman to save those around me, but I don't know what to do in order to become the Man of Steel. It's like my life is on pause and in a void. I don't have a home anymore. I don't know who I am. It's like everything I ever believed was destroyed and I can't find my way back.

"WE ARE THE LONG FORGOTTEN SONS AND DAUGHTERS THAT DON'T BELONG TO ANYONE."

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; July 17th 2009 at 03:29 AM.
   
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Re: I don't have a home. - July 17th 2009, 03:40 AM

Hey... I'm not going to tell u that everything happens for a reason... because honestly i don't believe that crap... but what i do belive is two things... What goes around really goes around ( sorry if you disagree) and what ever hurts only makes you stronger... right now you feel like you are alone and you feel like no one loves you... cares for you... they only see you as a product that they only put up with you for a reason that you know nothing about... i felt like that... my dad left when i was four... fucking drunk.... my mom gave me up to my grandma... and then my grandma to my aunt... and then back to my mother... then she got married to a bastard motherfucker that worked my ass raw doing what ever the fuck he want me to do... he hit me he tried to drown my ass in a sink... my mother didn't do anything to stop she just watched like she didn't care.... as far as i was concerned i had no one i had no real home and most of all i had no family... the people that helped "raise" me, in there own ficked up way did raise me... they taught me to depend on myself and not expect anything from anyone... I guess what i'm trying to say is that there is a bright side to everything... I was given up by three people...

Find a place... i don't mean an apartmen... i mean a place... like a bench in a park.... or a even just a corner in your room... and just express yourself... wirte, draw, paint, scuplt, weeve or just make something... find something that you enjoy doing, something that make you feel good about yourself... usually when people find these things they find there place in life... that's how i found mine....
   
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Re: I don't have a home. - July 17th 2009, 03:44 AM

The escape was always writing. But, it's hard to face what you don't even know. Where I come from, who I am, who my parents are, that's a complete mystery to me. How can you come to terms with something on solid ground when it's nowhere to be found-

Plus, needless to say, the "chosen" baby story fucked me up good. I mean, I still believe it no matter how absurd it is and it makes everything worse... it makes me ask what is going to happen in my life that God saw fit to make me lose my parents, all sense of home, and make me a cosmic castaway. An alien among humans. I'm trying to find what I was chosen for, but - I just can't....

"Atonement with the father" - mix between extreme rage with feelings of patricide and just wanting to be his son and make him proud. Which I find kind of dichotically funny, on one hand I want to kill him and on the other I want to be him.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; July 17th 2009 at 03:50 AM.
   
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Re: I don't have a home. - July 17th 2009, 03:57 AM

you are young and it's sensible that you don't know your purpose yet... you make who you want to be, you control your own future... no one else... like you said your past is only your past... you can't change that... but you can change your future... jsut keep wirting even though you are very confused and hurt right now... you are very good at telling you side... in a weird way i liked reading what you wrote... an di don't really like reading long posts... just PM me or text me if you want...
   
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Re: I don't have a home. - July 17th 2009, 04:17 AM

Listen- your adoptive parents ARE your parents. You are human and all humans have problems. we all do. you are not alone no matter what you think. YOU have a family who you can love and trust. sure... they didnt create you... but they took you in just as birth parents would. They loved you, they fed you, and taught you about life. They are your family.


"some people walk in the rain, others just get wet."
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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Re: I don't have a home. - July 17th 2009, 04:26 AM

It's more complicated than that. I have two sets of parents. One who's history is already fucked up. And the other who I always wanted to see me as their son - hid behind a mask and tried to be perfect so they'd always be there - but I'm starting to realize that they might never truly see me that way; they can tell you that every thing's going to be alright, but you can just see it in their eyes and how they respond to you that things will never be the same. That inside they've always known I wasn't their son and they were pretending, trying to cure me from some left over sickness.
   
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