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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Name: Aly
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Moms house - July 19th 2009, 12:06 AM

I live week to week switching between my mom and dad. A few months ago I had to move to a super small basement suite at my moms house because my stepdad died and we couldn't afford the old place anymore. So there is me, my mom, my dog and my sister in a two bedroom basement and my mom is considering letting my pregnant cousin who is due in two months come live with us too because she is worried that she can't afford the rent without help and I'm too young to get a job and my sister refuses to get one.
I always feel more sad when I am at her house and recently my dad has taken to telling me that I should move in with him full time, "just until she gets back on her feet".
I know that I probably should because my mom can hardly afford food and because I have no where to sleep and no privacy and because she never spends any time with me and spends the money we do have on smokes, weed and alcohol. [she just has like 2 drinks a night and she doesn't get drunk or act any differently]. But I am scared to move out of my moms house because my sister is really misbehaved and I take care of my mom alot of the time. I know shes an adult but I worry about how she will be able to cope with me leaving, especially after her husbands death. Plus, I'm scared that it would permanently ruin our relationship.

Should I throw away the guilt and leave her or should I stick it out? And if I should move out..does anybody know how one would do that in the nicest least hurtful way possible?


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Re: Moms house - July 19th 2009, 11:17 PM

Hi Aly,

I don't think it's right that your dad is yelling at you in attempt to convince you to live with him, but if you know the environment is better for you at your dad's house and you will be less stressed and worried about your mom, then I do suggest you stay with your dad at the moment.

I understand that you take care of your mom, and that is a big responsibility to take on, but she is an adult and she should not be relying on you to make decisions for her and to do things for her. The person you need to be looking out for right now is you. Find out what is best for you and make sure you do it.

Another thing you could try is a compromise. You could stay most of the week at your dad's and a few days at your mom's. Maybe your dad could have weekday's and your mom could have weekends. That is also something to think about.

I think you really need to talk to your mom and let her know that you would like to stay with her, but you want to make sure she is okay on her own first. Just tell her that you are worried that you are too big an expense right now and you want her to be comfortable about paying the bills and buying food without having to worry about you. You could agree on times when you could visit her and things you could do together. It may help strengthen the relationship you have with her rather than split it up.

I know that this is a big decision, and ultimately it's one you'll need to make on your own. Feel free to try any of my suggestions if you think they will work for you. I'm sure that whatever you'll decide will be right for you.

If you ever need to talk, my inbox is always open

Nat.


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Re: Moms house - July 20th 2009, 10:36 AM

Hey there,

Your situation seems really hard but I want you to know that you need to take your best interest into account. I know you love your mom but if the living environment she is providing for you is not healthy than you should consider taking a break.

As for being the one who takes care of your mom; I understand that completely(I used to do the same for my mom) but your well-being is the most important thing. I know it is hard not to worry about someone and to not be there for them when you know they are struggling but you are important too.

Something I can suggest is talking to your mom about all of this and seeing what she has too say; maybe if she understood what was going on, your fears/sadness etc, she would try to help make things better?

Please hang in there and if you ever want to talk feel free to pm me.

~Jenna~


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