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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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is my best friend selfish? - August 3rd 2009, 12:03 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

hey dudes, i need your opinions cause i'm really frustrated


My best friend, let’s call her Alice, is in some people’s words an attention seeker. She’s pretty (if not slightly overweight) but it’s her attitude that turns people off her. She is constantly going on about how depressed she is (even though the doctor says she’s fine) showing off herself harming cuts, sitting alone with her hood up and is extremely negative and sarcastic. Whenever we’re out she will go off on her own or ignore everyone or go on about how terrible her life is. Her choice in men is equally bad as she picks terrible choices; most have showed her no interest and have fancied her friends including me, making her feel bitter and rejected.

Now I’m the opposite. I’m almost always happy and I see the sliver lining to every situation. I admit I have my own problems (self loathing, hating how I look, random spouts of depression and major anxious problems blah blah) but I normally keep them to myself and kept things bottled up. Pride and the knowledge of rejection stop me from talking about my personal problems. However when things start to leak I do try to speak to someone. Normally no one listens hence why I am frustrated and bottling more things up. This is where I need your opinions.

Whenever I talk to my best friend Alice about my troubles she’ll either tell me how pathetic I am or go on about her problems. Her problems are normally how its unfair guys prefer me to her or about how she’s so depressed and I have no right to be upset about anything and That she’s more depressed than anyone else now matter how life has treated them. I know I have serious issue with the way I look, I hate how I look, I hate me but she seems to think that is pathetic. Whenever I need help she’ll ignore me and go on about her woes or terribly insult me. On the other side of the coin for years I’ve had to listen to her silly little rants about how depressed she is. I can’t tell her how I think she’s being needy and over dramatic because whenever anyone criticizes her or displeases her she cuts. I’ve been called a saint for putting up with her because all of our friends stop caring, it’s harsh but true.

So guys do you think she’s being selfish or over dramatic or do you think I need to be more supportive and seriously consider that she might be depressed?

Last edited by Strider; August 3rd 2009 at 01:51 AM. Reason: Labeling as triggering.
   
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Re: is my best friend selfish? - August 3rd 2009, 01:48 AM

Hey there,

I'm going to label this thread as triggering under self harm, because I think it may be so for some users. If there are any problems with this, please feel free to contact me.

Since I have no medical training, I cannot say for sure whether or not your friend is depressed. I do think that it would benefit her to talk to someone about how she is feeling. Your friend does sound like she really needs someone to talk to, and I think that talking to you has helped her, but it may help her more to talk to a professional.

I think that self harm is something that should always be taken seriously, and how a person acts or what they say about it should not change that. If your friend feels the need to harm herself, then that is something that her doctor should take seriously and get her help for.

Is there a way you could bring up the idea of speaking to a counselor to your friend? Maybe when she starts talking about how she feels, you could ask her if she has ever spoken to a counselor before and find out what she thinks of the idea.

I think that talking to friends is very important, and it sounds like you are looking for someone to listen in return for you listening to them. It seems like your friend may have too many other things on her mind at the moment to be able to help you with your problems as well. Do you have another friend you could talk to instead of this one? Or maybe a family member or neighbour?

No matter what your friend says, your troubles are just as significant and in no way pathetic at all. You deserve to be listened to, so don't let this girl be your only option.

If your friend is displeased by anything you say, it is not your fault if she decides to self harm. I suggest you talk to her parents and let them know about the situation and how serious it is and ask if there is a counselor available that she can go speak to.

Don't let this friend hold you back from speaking and asking for help. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me at any time.

Take care.
Nat.


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Re: is my best friend selfish? - August 3rd 2009, 02:12 AM

I've tried speaking to her about getting help or stopping self harming but she refuses to listen to me because i've never self harmed. She recently joined a site for self harmers and befriend a guy there. She now only listens to him, says anything i say is meaningless compared to him. Which of course puts my nose out of joint because i obv care about my friend. she even went so far to say that i've never helped her, mainly because i only suggested she should see a therpist and that i never forced her.

Since joining the site she has become a little obessive over this guy, claiming she will stop hurting herself for him and no one else and that only he can help her. I think she maybe devolping a crush on him which is worrying since her last internet relationship turned into hell.

Also recently i had to see a food therpist who inturn said they think it was best i start emotional therpy. Soon after i told my friends this, whom were shocked, Alice starts claiming she wants to go to therpy. I said i'd be happy to go with her since she confessed she'd probably not go. Now that i've been encouraging her to go she's telling me how silly therpy is.

I'm honestly at my wits end. Its diffcult because i feel like i'm walking on egg shells all the time. I do have other friends but i want Alice to understand that she's not alone in feeling bad but when i do it only goes two ways :/

ty for the reply btw


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Find in myself no pity to myself?
   
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Re: is my best friend selfish? - August 5th 2009, 01:22 AM

I think that your friend might be depressed, but that doesn't diminish the fact that you are having problems too. Your problems are no less important than hers, and it is selfish of her to not take that into account.

It is understandable for her to be upset, but she should not be treating you like this. Stand up to her calmly but firmly. It's great that you want to be a supportive friend, but you need to be assertive too.

Take care. PM me any time.
   
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Re: is my best friend selfish? - August 17th 2009, 12:05 AM

things were going well after my last post. Until yesterday. I decided i wanted to kill myself, just becuase i had excepted that was my fate. i was not upset or angry, i just came to that conclusion.

I asked Alice if she had seen one of my friends. She replied and insulted him, which i inturned told her off for and said i need his help. She then went on about how unfair life is for her and i had no right to need to talk to anyone but her. she also said she "wouldn't even bother asking me wats the matter" She then full out bitched at me, about it to which i ignored her.

Later that night, someone who i had not thought of as a friend saved me from doing the deed and then confessed he loved me. Which was certianly out of the blue. I went down stairs to make something to eat, mean time he thought i had killed myself. Paniced he turned to Alice, begging for my number. She asked why, and he told her, she replied she couldn't be bothered getting it for him. She never gave him the number.

Later that night she had a complete bitch at me about it. She was yelling and swearing at me and going on about how it was all unfair on her.She even threatened to harm, yet never asked how i was.

Now today she going on about how miserbale she is and how she wants to kill herlsef now. She even started glotting about how many times she's cut today and how numb she is.

i need some serious, honest help here, ty for both responses!


I shall despair. There is no creature loves me;
And if I die, no soul will pity me:
Nay, wherefore should they, since that I myself
Find in myself no pity to myself?

Last edited by Mistress Galahad; August 17th 2009 at 12:11 AM.
   
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Re: is my best friend selfish? - August 18th 2009, 05:41 AM

I'll keep this short and sweet my dear,

You have a right to your own views and opinions and she has no right to tell you that you are being pathetic for how you are feeling. In her mind she likely doesn't loath herself and hate her life... in reality she is obsessed about herself. In my opinion she's not a friend at all, and I think she'll lead you to more pain for the future. Please take some time to think about my words and possibly distance yourself from her rather than take action unless you feel it is necessary to do so.

Best of luck!
   
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