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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
s_tor_m Offline
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Dad's "lady friend" - August 16th 2009, 08:04 PM

For at least a year (probably longer) my dad has been friends with this woman named Linda who he met through work or whatever.

Last year me and my mom took a trip to NY for about 2 weeks. According to my brothers, Linda was over at our house many times for dinner, or my dad and her would go in the hot tub, or they would go out wine tasting and such. This year, my mom stayed in NY longer than I did, so I witnessed it for my own. They spent all day together, out in the wine country or wherever the hell they went. And at one point, they actually did go in the hot tub, which wasn't a pretty picture.

Every time my mom goes out of town, she comes into the picture. And she's never around when my mom is home, even though my mom knows her and they're somewhat friends.

Today I was sitting in the car waiting for my parents while they talked to people, and I saw my dad's cell on the seat. He doesn't text much and he had 12ish messages in his inbox, so I just scrolled through. (I know. I'm a horribly nosy daughter) He was messaging with Linda, and at the end of one of the texts he wrote "Kiss" and her response was "YESSS!"

Basically, I'm just wondering if I should be worried. My siblings are I are all a little suspicious, but we all trust my dad enough that we don't think he's capable of actually cheating. Should I confront him about any of it? Or should I just leave my parent's problems to my parents and stay out of it. Advice??
-Tor


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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 16th 2009, 08:25 PM

My dear Tor;


This sounds like it could either be really serious, or nothing at all. Many people have good friendships with members of the opposite sex, however, I would be kind of worried that she is only around when your mom is not. Is your mom a really jealous person? This could explain why your dad doesn't want Linda around when your mom is around.

I would say watch it for a while. if you do feel it is right to confront him, either do it together, you and your brothers, or get your oldest sibling to do it. I find parents tend to take the older child's opinion with more seriousness. Maybe this isn't always the case, but in my experience, it's your best bet.

Like I said, it could be something totally innocent, but better safe then sorry right? I really hope for your sake, and your mom's, that it's innocent.

You know I love you Torrr, if you ever need anything, you know where to find me! <3

Take care of yourself!
   
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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 17th 2009, 12:19 AM

My advice is to try and get solid eveidence he is cheating. If it means putting cameras around your house or reading his texts then do it. It's better than jumping to conclusions.


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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 18th 2009, 05:47 AM

I think the last comments were all very possible answers, but most of all I would start to ask about Linda. Not questions pertaining to cheating, but just ask about things you don't know about her and see how he talks. You would know better than I would what your dad responds like, but if you could, try and ask things like "So, what did you and Linda do while I was gone?" and act non-chalant about the whole ordeal.

I think if your dad leaves his phone around a lot where you could view it, you might as well take a look. if he confronts you say "I didn't think there was anything serious in here anyway." indicating there should be no funny business to get concerned about. Spying isn't the greatest idea but it might actually be the best for this situation.

I hope this all works out!
   
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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 18th 2009, 07:41 AM

I really don't think spying on your father (setting up video cameras?) is the best course of action. It's painful when you find out things like this about your parents. I really think this is a problem for your parents. Your mother may already know, and if she doesn't, cheating does have a way of coming out. Maybe she already knows, and just doesn't want to confront it right now - would it be fair to force it on her? It's probably best to let her handle it in her own way - this is her relationship. As to the suggestion of continuing to read his texts with the defense that there should be no funny business to get concerned about...if one of your parents were to start reading your diary/emails/texts or whatnot, would you accept the excuse of "there shouldn't be anything bad in there anyways, so I have every right to snoop through your personal things?" If you start spying on your father, you are essentially giving him permission to spy on you in the future when he thinks you're doing something wrong.

There isn't really an ideal way to handle this. Ultimately, this is between your parents, and I think it would be best to let your mother handle it if she's worried.


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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 18th 2009, 02:08 PM

Knowing if her father is cheating is something she personally wants to know. Sure, perhaps telling her mother isn't a great idea unless her mother is also concerned. The thing is, if she doesn't find out and there really isn't something going on it will really eat away at her.

As for "Cheating will find a way of coming out" sometimes it doesn't come out until too late and could end up hurting her worse in the end. My father was acting the same way a few years ago and I didn't bother to find out, and neither did my mother. Eventually we found out that he was leaving by a note left on the kitchen table one day and he royally screwed us over. My father went as far as to be more distant and less connected to everyone even me, his own daughter. Had someone at least known and confronted him, it may have turned out better for us. No I'm not saying our situtions are both the same, but my mother and I both would have given anything to have just realized what was going on because we were both in denial at the time.

The truth hurts sometimes, and actually, if I was doing something incredably stupid and someone found out by reading my text messages and they confronted me perhaps that would be the best outcome. Sometimes people refuse to believe they are doing things wrong until someone else confronts them about it. All of us have a tendency to take a bad situation and mold it in our heads to something better so we don't have to fess up to the reality of it.

This may be her parents relationship, but she is definately in the middle of it, and I don't think it would be fair to just have her mind her own business when her family is her own business. It's like if two parents divorced, the child always ends up taking a lot of the crap afterwards because they have to deal with their whole world changing (not to say everyone elses world doesn't change) and still seeing both parties in the end.

I am not trying to be offensive and disrespectful to you Grizabella as you do make excellent points, but if something indeed is going on she could at least know the truth. Hey, if she's already suspecting and trying to know I think she's ready.
   
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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 18th 2009, 09:26 PM

I'm not at all offended if people disagree with me. I think it's important to point out possible downsides to getting involved, and obviously at the end of the day, she will make her own decission, as she should. If the choice is to get involved somehow, I do think it would be better to confront the father, rather than spying.


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"Live a good life.
If there are gods and they are just,
then they will not care how devout you have been,
but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by.
If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them.
If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life
that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."
Marcus Aurelius
   
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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 18th 2009, 09:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grizabella View Post
As to the suggestion of continuing to read his texts with the defense that there should be no funny business to get concerned about...if one of your parents were to start reading your diary/emails/texts or whatnot, would you accept the excuse of "there shouldn't be anything bad in there anyways, so I have every right to snoop through your personal things?" If you start spying on your father, you are essentially giving him permission to spy on you in the future when he thinks you're doing something wrong.
Yeah, I agree with that. I don't think I'll "snoop" anymore....I mean the first time was kinda accidental anyway. But you make a good point.

Mel - I see what you mean, and I'll try the "nonchalant" trick. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, it must have been really hard on you both.

Thanks for all your replies...I'll keep in mind what you guys said.


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Re: Dad's "lady friend" - August 18th 2009, 10:27 PM

Well, coming from someone whose father cheated on their mother - I'd say the first "intuition" is enough. You can just feel it.
The blatant avoidance of your mother by Linda and your father is quite frankly an incredibly clear case of either "soon to be" or "already there" cheating. I'd have a serious talk with both parents. However, if it were me, I would contact Linda directly and tell her how much I did not like her jeopardizing my family and the trust between us.

But that's just me.


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