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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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fresco Offline
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Name: Sam
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: new jersey

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Divorce - August 21st 2009, 05:39 AM

Divorce is ass.

I knew for a long time that divorce was inevitable but the actual process is just starting...

My parents dont love each other. This thought is ok for me to deal with but I freak out when they mention seeing new people. My mom even told me that she'll make me call her new suitor "Dad." That's...unlikely. It seems like the kind of guy she is looking for isn't her "match"; it's more like she's looking for a guy who shines in society. Rich and climbing the social ladder. When she tells me of her intentions I get so sad. I understand "starting over" and "finding love" isnt easy but I just hope the guy is aware of it too..

My dad seems to have his heart in the right place. He wants love, i think. He described to me a woman he is interested in. She's not a model but he really likes her personality. That kinda gives me hope.

But then there's the talk of custody, which is really the big issue. I have an older sister who just outgrew the system, so it's just me who's got to be claimed. I really dont like the idea of custody. I always found that my parents worked best as a team, as deranged as that might be. They just complement each other...their good parts together can make up one superparent... apart they're just... "unfit."

For this reason I've been researching the fostercare system, no lie. I'm only supposed to have parental support for 2 more years so if those years are spent with foster parents, I really dont think it'll make a difference. And it'll give my parents time to...not sure, maybe settle things out amongst themselves?</wishful thinking>

I will tell about my parents. I love them a lot a lot but they make me feel so terrible and when describing your parents that should be one of the last words that comes up.

My mom babies me. I know that's not a big deal, but as a teenager I feel like I'm almost at adulthood and she treats me like I'm no more than 8years old...it's almost patronizing. As in, she talks to our dog with a more mature tone than she uses with me. It's insane. A part that worries me about my mom is her financial situation...she is in too deep with her debt and her work is barely scraping in any income. I get so scared for her. She works each day nearly all day and comes up with less than enough to live on. Financially, the divorce could pick up her slack. My dad is required to pay a nice amount (her demands currently leave her living luxuriously) as part of alimony (and if she has me, child support.) At the same time that she's making no money, she's spending it. It's ok, I don't understand that either. She's so desperate for it. She doesnt spend it for stuff like drugs but sometimes I feel like $50 could be spent better than on weekly haircuts and artificial tans. She is heavily into how others see her... I cant put any more because this is making me hate her.

My dad took my innocence. He would hit me so much when I was a child and he was just generally mean to my sister and I. I remember (this is kinda gross, brace yourself) I threw up after eating a food I told him I didnt like and he made me clean it up. I dont know, that seemed kind of off to me. It makes sense, like "clean up the mess you make" but I was 5. If anything, the experience taught me to never ever under any circumstances throw up. It only got worse from there. Belts, newspapers, flyswatters, his hand - those were weapons. I remember being so fucking scared when I saw him angry and his belt in the hallway and no way for me to get out. I was really defiant growing up, so I can kinda see why I would need so much disciplinery treatment/whatever but that doesn't excuse what he did.. in addition to his physical abuse, there was the verbal abuse, but thats kind of a given. He drank so much alcohol. Hes actually still an alcoholic today. He had two could-be-fatal accidents within the past 2 years.

But strangely, my relationship with him has improved. I used to be soo close with my mom, I loved her so much. I grew up but she still treated me the same, while my dad kinda evolved with me. He taught me some important life lessons and commanded respect. My mom was just like... "this is how much I wuv you"...its hard to describe. Right now I dont feel close to either of them. They're still my family, and if any of our lives were threatened we would all take mortal risk... but there's not much substance. It's like a skyscraper that, when you look inside, has got no actual floors; it's hollow.

--I'm sorry, I'm big on metaphors.

My sister suggested making a list of all the pros and cons of either parent. Very nice idea. My dad actually had 6pts total and my mom had -3...so I told him, "I'm staying with you." Now, I'm having huge doubts though. There are some things about him that really irk me... he gets offended extremely easily, he offends very easily, he still drinks a bunch, he'll do/buy things for me but he uses them against me, he makes me feel guilty to prove points... the list goes on, unfortunately.

So I was thinking about the foster care system. I cant even describe how sad and pathetic I feel that I have to go to a strange family for a stable environment. It makes me think I dont love my parents or that I'm not trying but I dont know. I just want everyone to be happy and it's driving me insane. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being spoiled, "nothing's good enough for me"...I hate this feeling so much


This is extremely long, so if you read, thanks in advance. And if you respond, I ~think I might love you.
   
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MandaPanda Offline
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Re: Divorce - August 23rd 2009, 03:16 PM

First off, Im soooo sorry that you have to go through this, it must be absolutly terrible *hug*. Second, dont feel spoiled and that "nothing is ever good enough"! You have a very very difficult desicion to make. I might not have the best adive... but I can try my best x]

I think that if you live with your dad, even though your relationship has grown, that you mighttt risk abuse...i know thats a touchy situation, i dont mean to offend anyone, including you, but i think that might be a risky move..

Even if your mom does baby you im sure you could always have a good talk with her, and, if you do decide to live with her, set up some... err.. i guess "ground rules" for lack of better wording. Just tell her that youd appreciate it if she stopped treating you like your a child. As for the financial thing, it seems like your mom needs a good talking to about spending. My moms kinda like that, but a good talk always straightens her out, shes gotten a lot better at spending. You might have to KEEP talking to her about it, reminding her here and there, but it should get better

I hope this helped.. but i dont want to alter your decision completely but this is just what i think.
Im always here if you need to PM me about anything :] even if i dont give the best advice haha.
I really hope things go well for you!!!!!!!


"BadBoys,BadBoys,All we want is BadBoys"
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"but just know that she’ll be thinking of me,even when she’s with you"

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