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OhaiThere Offline
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Alone - September 15th 2009, 11:29 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Re-written entirely. Sorry about that, but I decided on writing about 2 and a half pages on word about my oh so "bad" life. It doesn't explain everything, but certainly summarizes a good deal of my life.

Alone
A collection of jumbled thoughts from one fucked up 15 year old kid.


I'm not too sure how I'm going to start this, or hell, if I even plan on finishing it... but it needs to be written, it needs to be said. I hope, to whatever force there is out there, I hope, that I'm the only one feeling this. Feeling this utter and complete loneliness that is forced upon me every day, every single day. It's funny, really. I have a great life, I have “friends”, a loving family, a good home, two dogs, and a great education. I have all of these things, everything that a typical “great life” composes of.


Why is it then, that I feel like this. Every day, every single motherfucking day, I look myself in the mirror and think about everyone around me. Everyone I know in some way or another. I stare at my own reflection and stew over the complete isolation I feel every single day. I'm different. I'm “unique”, not that that is a good thing, by any stretch of the imagination. It's not just the fact that I feel this, but the fact that everyone I see seems to feel differently. They seem to feel “normal”. Sure, they have their own little sense of “depression”. “Wahhhhh, my girlfriend left me.” or “I can't believe my friend ditched me, I'm going to go cry and cut myself”.


At least they had friends at one point in time, at least they could share compassion with another living being. Perhaps even some of the “smarter” kids talked deeply about life in general with their friends, rather than just talk to themselves in their room every day, thinking about their life and why they are here.


I've always considered myself self-able, in many senses of the word. I guess it all stems from my ability to sort out my emotions better than most 15 year olds. As a matter of fact, I've always felt like an adult trapped in a teen's body (narcissism alert). Why is it, then, that everyone seems to value overt signs over true feelings these days? I'm sure I could have gone over to a “friend”'s house at one time or another, but I stopped myself. Why? At first I thought it was pure fear. Fear of rejection, fear of them not liking me. It has only recently become clear that it wasn't fear at all. It was something else.


Even at a young age, I never liked the same things other kids liked. Sure, I played sports, and yes, I enjoyed them. I just didn't understand kids, I suppose. I never seemed to get excited over the same things. It wasn't that I was never included. It was that I never WANTED TO BE included. I mean, by the 7th grade I had already developed my agnostic and apathetic feelings towards life. Around 8th grade I started to consider myself a realist, and slowly got out of my self imposed stupor that I had began to sink into. I vowed to try and live as normal as a life as possible, to achieve as great of things as possible. “It'll all sort out in high school.” I'd always say.


Then high school came. An all guy private school far away from my town that I had already been especially isolated from. Oh, motherfucking, boy, this will be fun. As if I didn't already feel a sense of separation in middle school, now I have to spend 4 more years with the same bunch of kids. Not even the girls, just the guys. As if I needed more reasons not to talk to a female.









I'm getting ahead of myself, though. In all honestly, if it wasn't for the internet, I'd probably have committed suicide already. I feel very little joy in life anymore. Especially considering how I felt like the only one that thought the way I did. It wasn't until I finally met people like me online that a tiny little beacon of hope was born into my heart. Maybe, just maybe, there WERE people like me in this world. Unfortunately, these internet people never knew me, not the real me, anyways. I masqueraded as an 18 year old for years. Thankfully I had the voice and the facial hair to pull it off at least reasonably well. Through the act that I was putting on every day, I managed to meet some actual people in this world. Not the 15 year old kids that spew on and on about their daily social problems every day. No, I'm talking about people that looked at the world through a much different set of eyes. I can't say they were exactly like me, but one in particular, whose name I will not mention, proved to me that I really wasn't alone. Of course, he was an 18 year old in Germany, but that would be something I'd have to live with.


When I wasn't on my computer, I was out in the “real world” full of dumb drama, although thankfully I was in an all guy school, so I didn't hear about the stereotypical teenage girls talk about their “social problems”. Give me a break. Their typical problems consist of their boyfriend not texting them as much as usual, and their minor weight gain over the summer.


Never, and I mean NEVER, have I actually met someone in my real life that showed even a hint of being similar to me. It was either you were socially fine or a jock, and had good looks, or you were a basement nerd that rarely got out.


I suppose I more or less belong to the latter group, although, as vain is it may be, I always considered myself good looking and outgoing. The comedic side of me was always prominent, sarcasm coming out of my mouth at least 50% of the time. Perhaps this was a defense mechanism? Probably.


This brings up a real pain of mine that I had always felt. If I am reasonably attractive and at least somewhat outgoing and comedic, why is it that it seems like no one (especially those of the opposite gender) wants to even know me? Am I that unappealing? Or is it just the way society works? What did I do to deserve the complete isolation that I go through every day?


I look at people that have found true companionship, or true love in the world. Most people feel warmth or some mushy, gooey feeling inside when they see things like this. Me? I feel either A: Pure sadness, or B: Pure contempt. Why is it that I feel so differently, so angrily? Is it because of my own “misfortune”? A word I use lightly, because I am mainly to blame.


Part of me wishes to give up on life right now, pick up a backpack and whatever is in my savings, and just go. Just go and never stop. The other part of me pleads to finish high school and go to college, and hopefully sort all of this out... but what then? I continue to feel the same way all my life? There is no way I could go through any more of this pain I feel when all I have is a “maybe”. I feel no need to achieve anything more than what I have, but the realist side of me knows that life without graduating at least high school is going to be a living hell. Maybe I'll have to burden this alone for another 3 years after all. Then go to college? Or what? Hell, what the fuck am I asking questions for anyway?







Suicide has always been in my thoughts. I never took it seriously until recently. I used to laugh at people that committed suicide as pussies that couldn't deal with life. That was, until I started to feel this unending pain that I feel now. I still doubt that I'll ever kill myself, but every so slowly, I'm reaching that breaking point.


I just want to take this time to apologize for my misguided ramblings that you have been subjected to as I never intended for them to be so jumbled, but that's the way they turned out. I suppose I do need to just “grow up” and stop feeling so “teenage-y”.


Then again, maybe I'm just being pessimistic about my life in general. Maybe I am just being a baby about life and need to stop treating my life like one great tragedy, but I just can't “snap out of it” like most kids end up doing. Maybe I'm wrong about everything, that I'm not unique, that I'm exactly what I despise, being normal. Being the every day kid that feels down about life. If this is true, I'd probably kill myself out of pure disgust to be brutally honest.


Who knows, though, maybe I am right, and my life does need some sorting out. In the end, however, I guess that's not really up for me to decide.

Last edited by OhaiThere; September 17th 2009 at 12:54 AM.
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 12:25 AM

hey, i kind of sort of know how you feel. i too, never had the same views as my friends in my private, catholic school, and it sort of made me feel different. but i realized that once I got to truely know people, not one had the same beleifs. maybe try joining clubs in your town? or getting to know the people from your school. even though they may be far away, you could still call them up or instant message. i know how it feels to be isolated, but you have to really try to make an effort to get out there. I go to a private all girl high school now, a junior, turning 16 tomorrow (finally)...and it can suck sometimes. but you have to remeber that highschool isnt everything and you are going to grow up before you know it. 18 is very very close so dont push it! all the best! xx
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 02:05 AM

Re wrote the whole thing, sorry about that, but the initial post didn't say what I thought needed to be said.

Sorry if it's a tad long, but I enjoy writing, maybe a bit too much.
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 10:37 AM

haha, its alright :P I have school in 10 minutes, city bus, ugh annoying..but anyway i hope this doesnt sound too rushed.

So I read your new one. And you know I have felt the same way. You feel as though as you are in it by yourself and no one is there to help you or acutually know what you are feeling and thinking. But you can't stereotype everyone. You can have someone just like you right in your school, but you would never know because you haven't given them a chance. People are different when they are around certian people. People bring out different qualities in one another, so what you are seeing may not always be who they really are. Me personally, I am quiet, laid back. People look at me and see me as aloof, stupid, not paying attention, but I am. That is how I think. I am introverted and I focuss on internal things rather than external. And for me that makes me feel isolated. All of my friends don't really know me and that sort of sucks. You have to learn to let people in and give people a chance. Also, people are different online than real-life. I feel more open to express myself online because I have time to think and I feel no biased agiasnt myself. But I know I can't speak to my friends about certian things because they would not understand. Suicdie will not solve your problems. I know that people truley care for you. So don't let them down! I've been on that side and I know how it feels but you really have to stick it out. Maybe try talking to a councelor or something? You have to realize that you are great. As I was reading your pgh's I even saw that you knew you had some valuable qualities, cherish them! You are unique and there is no one like you. You have to be happy with yourself first rather looking for external things to cover them up. Be happy, and live life. I actually was feeling like crap yesterday because I had this whole incident with my aunt and on how no one understands, (long story), but when I got home, you have to know that this is only a part of your life. YOU have so much more to live for! So many opprotunities and challanges. A great, care-free life is fine, but when you have obstacles in your life it makes it even better. Because when you get older, you will know that you lived a fulfilling life and learned many lessons. Someone told me that life is like school. and you keep learning new lessons, if you dont learn one lesson you keep repeating that lesson untill you have learned it. well I really wish you the best of luck, i truley do...well i have to leave now, going to school, about to miss my buss :P
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 05:24 PM

Yeah, re-reading the whole story I was a bit melodramatic. Suicide is probably the last thought on my mind, and I suppose I'm just more or less depressed at the moment.

Meh, we'll see what happens.
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 05:56 PM

Understand that most people in high school are immature and they do face petty problems they blow out of proportion. The thing is that there are some that do have actual issues going on in their lives too. I must say I used to think exactly the same way you do. Alone and empty inside, I was always waiting for something more to happen in my life, something deeper and more meaningful while all around me were these people that didn't truly live in "reality". It's hard to see but people hide behind masks to coverup how they really feel inside and most are afraid to take them off. So they'll follow their friends even if it means they aren't themselves...I'm starting to go off topic. The point is that there is someone out there who cries his or herself to sleep at night because of arguing at home, there is someone whose family member is terminally ill and has to face each day hoping, there are people who are lost and alone even though they may be surrounded by a hundred friends. Personally, I've always been arrogant and annoyed with the world, and it's hard to come out of that. With time you grow, life sheds new things and experiences.

About the girl's not noticing you, there are many that are just shy so it may be up to you to make the first move and if you get rejected then at least you tried instead of never having tried and wondering what could have been.

Wish you the best!



(Bloo) Mac you're just a boy.
(Mac) But you're not even human!
(Bloo) But I'm not a kid.

(Mac) You're younger than me!
(Bloo) But I'm not a kid.
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 08:57 PM

You know what? I think I'm you- just as a girl. 'Cause I've gone through everything you just wrote about: I went to private school my whole life, I'm not religious like everyone else, I don't have a 'best friend', I'm pessimistic as a result, and I take my feelings out by writing jumbled-up stories.

I know how you feel. I've gone to private school my whole life, and honestly speaking, I blame it for making me feel different from everyone else. Had I gone to a public school, I would've probably been more social and felt accepted. Private schools do a terrible job of preparing kids for the real world. Instead of preparing us for the real world, they hide us from it, telling us to have faith in 'god,' and no matter how bad our life will get, we just pray to him and he'll help us. False.

After seeing all this suffering in the world, I disposed the idea of a god and became an atheist/agnostic in 7th grade. I was probably the only non-believer in Church.

I also don't have a best friend, either. The last time I had a best friend was when I was in 8th grade, and after that, I never really saw her again. Then high school came, and just like you, I had to go to a same-sex private school.

Just like you, I thought, 'things will sort out, I'll make a new best friend, and I'll get good grades!' After all, I had been on high honors at my middle school before- I wasn't a dumb kid. I was going to be in all CP1 classes, and I figured that there would be at least one person that would like me.

By the end of the year, I didn't make a single new friend who shared my ideas. Sure, a few people from my old school went to school with me, but they weren't socially awkward like I was and made their own friends. After a few months, they probably forgot that they had even graduated with me!

After only the 1st month of school, I had cried, gotten pushed around, gotten my only friend taken away from me, and called a whole slew of bad names that innocent me had never even heard of at the time. Why? All because I wasn't like the other girls- I didn't talk about boys or have a boyfriend. I was accused of being gay at least three times, I was a wreck, and my self esteem plummeted as far down as it had ever been. I skipped class by going to the nurse and guidance counselor. I was so miserable, that I hope no one else ever has to experience my pain. But there will always be someone.

Ever since that year, I've never been the same person since. I may be happy and social when summer comes around, but when it's back to school time, I go into depression because I hate my classmates so much. I hate seeing the people who made my life hell, especially when they're complete assholes and don't deserve happiness or acceptance.

Oh, and not all girls are the same. I'm definitely not a typical girl- I play video games, I don't complain about how I look 24/7, or spend hours fixing my hair. I also could care less about getting a boyfriend. But of course, society hates different people, so I was an outcast for everything that I was.

My advice? Transfer to a public school. Trust me, people at public school are nothing like the ones in private school. They're accepting of almost everyone, and you'll be among people who aren't religious and are realistic like you.
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 09:25 PM

Yeah, I had always thought about transferring to public school, but, despite all the setbacks, I do enjoy my school. The only thing is, it's like I just go through each day like the last. I walk through my days almost in a haze.

I'm not sure how you'd take this, but at least you are recognized in some way. In middle school I was the class clown, but at the same time, I always had great grades up until 7th grade. That's when, I guess, I lost it. In 4th grade I had been asked if I would like to move up a grade, which I, of course, declined for obvious reasons.

8th grade year I vowed to be "regular" in high school and quit being the stand out kid. Hopefully I'd lead a much easier life, and maybe that was why I started dropping grades the last two years.

But, as you've read, that's not what happened. In fact, my grades continued to drop even more, and I went from being somewhat well known in my reasonably small middle school to "random kid #5" in high school. I'm average now, the very average I tried wanted to be, but didn't realize how it'd work out.

Freshman year only solidified my apathetic views towards life. Like I mentioned earlier, part of me doesn't care any more, and that part is winning right now. Maybe life is just what you make it, and I should just keep going. Suicide really is the last thought on my mind, and I don't know why I mentioned it so many times in the OP.

I've been sick/depressed the last few days, so I haven't been to school in 2 days. At the moment I'm not sure whether that's the apathy or the depression that's causing me to want to do nothing.

Anyways, I'm starting to rant again, so I'll sign off for now. I mean I only started on this website yesterday, and I was quite depressed, so who knows. I'm being far too moody lately...
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 11:38 PM

Tee hee.

I love it when teens get to a certain age and suddenly they're all deep and troubled. My favourite part is where everything degenerates into a 'my life is worse than your life' contest.

Come on man. If you've never felt out of place then you've lived a very sheltered life. I honest to god can't believe everything's as awful as you make out. More than likely you're blowing things out of proportion. Hormones'll do that to you. You pretty much say yourself that you don't really make the effort to connect, so you haven't really got much business whining. Take some initiative, put yourself out there a little more.

Your post is pretty bog standard as far as teen angst goes, so I'll skip right to the end:

Quote:
Who knows, though, maybe I am right, and my life does need some sorting out. In the end, however, I guess that's not really up for me to decide.
Wait, what?

How on god's green earth is it up to anyone BUT you to decide? Damn it man, it's your life. You are obligated to fix it. Or not. Whatever tickles your fancy. I'm not saying don't ask for help, but maybe ask people who know what the hell they're talking about.

Just and heads up by the by: your first post up there comes off pretty damn pretentious and elitist, mang. You talk smack about the problems that other people face but you fail to realise that these problems don't take over their lives like you seem to let yours.

TL;DR: It's a teenage thing, take some initiative, pull the stick out of your arse. Best of luck.
   
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Re: Alone - September 16th 2009, 11:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amp View Post
Tee hee.

I love it when teens get to a certain age and suddenly they're all deep and troubled. My favourite part is where everything degenerates into a 'my life is worse than your life' contest.

Come on man. If you've never felt out of place then you've lived a very sheltered life. I honest to god can't believe everything's as awful as you make out. More than likely you're blowing things out of proportion. Hormones'll do that to you. You pretty much say yourself that you don't really make the effort to connect, so you haven't really got much business whining. Take some initiative, put yourself out there a little more.

Your post is pretty bog standard as far as teen angst goes, so I'll skip right to the end:



Wait, what?

How on god's green earth is it up to anyone BUT you to decide? Damn it man, it's your life. You are obligated to fix it. Or not. Whatever tickles your fancy. I'm not saying don't ask for help, but maybe ask people who know what the hell they're talking about.

Just and heads up by the by: your first post up there comes off pretty damn pretentious and elitist, mang. You talk smack about the problems that other people face but you fail to realise that these problems don't take over their lives like you seem to let yours.

TL;DR: It's a teenage thing, take some initiative, pull the stick out of your arse. Best of luck.
Like I said eariler, the OP was filled with ranting and depression.

I'm normally not that introverted.



Take the OP with a grain of salt.
   
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Re: Alone - September 17th 2009, 12:00 AM

Fair enough.

I stand by my argument though. Nobody on here can tell you what to do. If you're really that anxious about this see a counsellor or something. With the information you give them they can at least nudge you in the right direction, make sure you follow through on commitments and all that lovely stuff. Completely unqualified internet strangers can only really give you an asspat and send you on your way.

Good luck with that and all. Trust me when I say I get where you're coming from.
   
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