TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
tiredandconfusedguy's Avatar
 
Gender: Male

Posts: 1
Join Date: September 19th 2009

my mom says I don't care enough about her. - September 19th 2009, 08:36 AM

Hi,

I don't really have anyone I know who I could ask this, so I'll post this here...sorry if it's a bit long.

I'm 18. My parents fight all the time. Although my mom isn't perfect, the problems always seem to start with my Dad. I think my dad has mental issues, plus he's super passive aggressive, seems to be a compulsive liar, and he had some thing going on with another woman at his job a while back. Anyway, usually he'll do something little, maybe on purpose, and it will set her off. Then they'll both go off the deep end. Screaming. Throwing things. Luckily, never physical abuse of any kind but the arguments are incredibly nasty.

Sometimes my dad will take the car and drive off somewhere after a fight, and my mom will just break down crying. I care deeply about my mom and I like to think I've always been there for her to talk and comfort her when she gets like that, even when it's extremely hard on me. Even when it was the last thing I wanted to do, when all I wanted was to go off and just be a kid and have fun, I've put all that on hold so I could be with her and comfort her and calm her down when she was upset.

Tonight, they had another huge fight, one of the biggest and nastiest they've had in ages. And I don't know why, but it just was too much for me. I actually went in my room and cried for a few minutes, and that's just not something I do, not ever. It's been years since the last time I cried (and even then it was only because I was super sick and taking medication that gave me mood swings). And then my mom (who didn't know I was crying) came to me and wanted to talk about Dad and their problems and whether they should divorce, and I DID talk, I pulled myself together and forced myself to help her, for like an hour...

But then I just couldn't do it anymore. I told her I'm sorry, but I just can't talk about this any more tonight. I was just too tired and sick of the whole situation, too upset myself to help anyone else.

She got angry and started bringing up all the things she's done for me over the years as my mother. She said she's the sort of person who will do anything for people she loves but clearly I just don't care enough about her. And yeah, she's sacrificed so much for me I feel like crap right now but I just can't. do. it. Not tonight. Maybe some other time when I'm coping better, but tonight is just too much.

I decided to just tell her how I felt, I told her that the fights they have affect me too, that even though I don't show it, even when I put on a good face, it freaks me out, and that it's unfair for her to always ask all this from me. She doesn't get it. She said that if I can't talk with her tonight then why should she do anything for me, ever?

I honestly don't know what to think. I'm at my emotional end with this situation, with all the chaos and fighting, and I know she is too, and I just don't think I can be there for her right now - does that really mean I'm not a good person, that I don't care enough? If it does, please tell me, tell me she's right and I'm wrong. But I don't understand it.

I don't know. Sorry if none of this makes sense. I just needed to get this out, to tell someone, even a total stranger, what's going on in my head right now.

(ps. I should add that I love my mom and respect her to no end, and we usually get along great, it's just this situation is screwing everything up. Also, my plan is to move out on my own as soon as possible but I don't have the money yet.)
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Mittens The Cat Offline
Member
Not a n00b
**
 
Mittens The Cat's Avatar
 
Name: Mittens The Cat
Gender: Male

Posts: 59
Join Date: August 14th 2009

Re: my mom says I don't care enough about her. - September 19th 2009, 12:54 PM

Ok, look. Your 18. If she can't understantd you then there must be some big distraction somewhere. She's known you for 18 years. Your not a bad person, It sounds like your caring too much if she's like that. See if you can borrow from the bank and try to move out.
  Send a message via Skype™ to Mittens The Cat 
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Strider Offline
Tash-la
I've been here a while
********
 
Strider's Avatar
 
Name: Nat
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: A broken glass picture

Posts: 1,448
Join Date: January 19th 2009

Re: my mom says I don't care enough about her. - September 19th 2009, 03:48 PM

Hi there,

You are an immensely strong person to have put yourself aside in order to help your mom. That was a huge sacrifice that no parent should have asked of you, and you did it anyway. Doing that takes a toll on anybody, though, and that is something your mom should realize. Just because you could not talk last night does not change all of the nights you did spend listening to her and helping her cope. I think you're an amazing person to have done all that, and even more of one to come on here and talk about what you are going through.

Sometimes people say things they don't mean, or don't mean the things they say, after a fight. You said that your parents got into one of the biggest and nastiest fights last night, and that would really put a load of emotional stress on everyone. Since your mom wasn't able to talk that through with you- which was no fault of yours- she may have taken it out by trying to guilt you into listening to her and putting up with her stress. I don't think that was right of her at all, and I do not want to justify her doing it, but I have to say that she may have felt like she was backed into an emotional corner, and that was her way of forcing herself out of it.

Your mom has asked more of you than she probably should have as a mother. I don't think it is fair of her to force you into being her emotional crutch. I know you have helped her and I know that you care deeply about your mom, but there are some things that you just can't fix for her. It's definitely gotten to the point where you need to take some time to take care of yourself.

I know you may feel bad for turning your mom down that way, but it's something you need to do. You gave her a good explanation as to why you needed to take a break from it and talk later, and I think that is something she should have tried to respect.

I think that all of the fighting going on between your parents is a good indication that they should probably try family counseling, or maybe put an end to their relationship. The stress is really taking its toll on all of you, and that is something you should try to work out. A counselor would be able to give you all suggestions and ways to cope with the emotional stress. Also, you said that your mom has considered divorce. Is there something else holding her back from it? It may be better for her to take some time away from your dad in order to calm down.

All of what you just said makes perfect sense, and I'm glad you were able to get it out so well. You have nothing to feel bad for and you should not listen to what your mom is saying when she is trying to guilt you into helping her. Maybe try getting out of the house and going for a walk when your parents start fighting. That might help relieve some of the stress you have taken on. Maybe you could even invite your mom to go with you. She could try taking out the stress that way instead of loading it all on you.

You are an incredibly strong person, and I'm going to ask you to do a really big thing- help yourself. Don't take on the stress from your parents. That is not your job. You have been there for your mom in every way that you should have and more, and now it's up to you to let her take out her stress in some other way.

If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me at any time.
Take care.

Nat.


http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/40/signaturep.png
The great artists of our time are the ones who created something timeless. But it was never them defining it that way.
Everyone has a story. What's yours?
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
care, dammit, divorce, mom, parents, sickandtiredofthiscrap

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.