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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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my friend is hurting - September 20th 2009, 02:04 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My good friend just lost a very close relative and I don't know how to console her... I won't see her again until Tuesday. She was keeping me posted on how her relative was doing, how her condition was getting progressively worse, and how she felt about it. My heart is breaking. She's way too nice to deserve this. I know when I lost someone I just pushed everyone away and lived inside my shell for nearly a year. This is the first time she's lost somebody so close too. She's always so happy. It hurts me so much to see her so pained.

I don't know what to say, or if I should say anything. So far she has been telling me everything through IM which seems to be really comfortable for her. But we can be talking about the death one minute and the next she's talking about something that I feel obliged to joke about. It's so strange. I get so sad listening to what she has to say and then she switches to something light-hearted and I'm just stuck. I'd like to keep up with her emotions but I don't know if joking around will offend her or make her guilty, like it did for me.

She's really sweet and just so kind with everything she says. I'm so grateful that she's comfortable enough with me to let me know about it...but then I feel like I should be able to comfort her and I don't think I'm very good at that.

By nature I'm just always joking...is that appropriate now? Will it make her feel better or worse?
   
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Re: my friend is hurting - September 20th 2009, 08:03 PM

Hi Sam,

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. It's always awful to lose someone so close to you and that must be really difficult for her. I think it's really great that she trusts you enough to talk about it with you, though. That really must help her a lot.

It can be confusing whether or not to joke when a conversation turns lighthearted, but you know that your friend may not be feeling lighthearted herself. I think for now it's probably better to remain neutral in conversation with her and be there to listen. You'll be able to get a better understanding of how she is feeling when you see her again on Tuesday.

I understand that your friend is feeling upset right now, but there's a chance that speaking about lighthearted things may help her to feel better. Laughing can really help to relieve emotional stress, and it could be that your friend needs that right now. She knows that she can trust you and talk to you about how she feels, and I'll bet she knows that you like to joke too. I don't think it is a problem to joke a bit now, but it is still up to you to decide whether you are comfortable with it before seeing her.

You're a really great person to be there like this for your friend and care about how she's feeling so much. She's lucky to have you

Take care and all the best.
Nat.


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