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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
IH8U2 Offline
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Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 1st 2009, 06:09 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am so close to offing myself right now... The only reason I haven't is because I don't know what my afterlife will be like...

Why the fuck does my bitch ass dad have to make my life so fucking shit just so he can have things his way?

He just screamed at me for using a lot of soap to wash my hands and that it won't drain down his stupid sinks immediately. I must be the only fucking person who gets screamed at for washing my hands. He just doesn't fucking get it. He doesn't even wash his hands at all after using the washroom, and when he does, I'm sure he does a fucking poor job. It's detrimental for me as I have O.C.D. He also gets saliva on me as he screams or even talks to me. He doesn't give a fuck how I feel because he probably thinks I'm his bitch. He even called me handicapped. I felt so close to smacking the fucking shit out of him with some instrument or even brutally murdering him, but thankfully, my conscience was intact.

This also effects my mom as she can get really stressed. I really don't wanna get her involved. She doesn't want us to fight, but his bitch ass provokes it. I'm not even sure if she can get her sleep tonight thanks to this bullshit. We just kept on going at it and she just wanted us to stop, but he just kept on fucking infuriating me!

They also obviously, have their own very heated arguments between each other, which I'm forced to witness/hear. I'm just fucking tired of this negativity. His angry bitch ass obviously starts the arguments, but like 2 weeks ago, my mom absolutely screamed at him for taking like $500 out of their bank account and gambled it away! She told me that she felt like she almost had a stroke that day.

Speaking of that, there are times when I just can't keep her happy. A lot of the times it's because of me. There are also times when it's because she is stressed with something and she randomly gets upset with me at any given moment. It's like she's a loose cannon. I don't wanna give her stress...

Why the fuck am I exposed to these situations with all this negativity? I feel so alone and stuck. I notice a lot of other people have almost carefree lives that are bound for success and have loving families and friends. My life is fucked, so there's no point in going on.

I feel like running away and living on the streets. I have a job now, so I can still buy food and I have no bills to pay. Then again, I have O.C.D., so that's not the cleanest option.

Fuck life! Fuck my dad!

Last edited by IH8U2; October 1st 2009 at 07:27 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 1st 2009, 06:29 AM

A lot of people don't have happy lives or happy families. I no longer speak to my father after everything he put me through. He was an abusive alcoholic and blew all of our money on crack. He was always in and out of jail and the last time i seen him he just kept hitting me over nothing. I was 18 at the time i believe.

You are old enough to separate yourself from that situation. It is hard but if it makes you feel this way you really have no other choice in the matter. Is there anyone else you can stay with until you can get enough money to support yourself in some way? Friends or family?

Trust me sweetie this is nothing to hurt yourself over. It seems that you don't really have to do anything to provoke his outrageous behavior. In the mean time I'd say just avoid him or just don't say anything when he starts his temper tantrums.

As bad as this is to say, you are really the only person who can get yourself out of this. If you can't talk to your mom about it then it's not going to get any better with you staying there. I do believe she should stand up for you or atleast try to calm him down before it gets out of hand.

I'm so sorry this is happening. If you need anyone to talk to you can pm me anytime. I really hope things work out. :hugs:




*Nellie*
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 1st 2009, 06:56 AM

I also forgot to mention that he smokes cigarettes in the house, so we're exposed to his fucking second hand smoke.

I don't have anybody I can stay with. I don't really know much about my other family members outside the house, so it would be too awkward moving in with them. I have no friends, so I have no one to talk to about this shit as well. I don't feel comfortable letting strangers know about this shit unless they're counselors. If I moved in with stranger family members, they would know.

I don't like talking to him, but we're bound to interact. Even if I don't say anything while he has his temper tantrum, he'll just keep having his temper tantrum regardless.

My mom always tries to calm him down, but it never works...
   
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 1st 2009, 11:02 AM

Hi Delivery!!

I want you to know how sorry I am that you have to go through all of that. Sadly - your story sounds all too familiar to me. My dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. He was often very cruel and mean [To everyone in the family - especially my mom] and for no other reason than to BE cruel and mean. He would often go on and on and on complaining about the dumbest things. His 'rules' would change from one minute to the next all in an attempt to keep everyone 'off balance'. On those very few occasions where he was 'nice' - I would make the mistake of confiding something in him. [As a son should be able to do with his own father] But I would soon learn to regret that for he would take what told him, twist it around - and throw it back in my face. Which just hurt me even deeper than I was already hurt. [If that makes sense] And on those occasions in the house that we relatively calm - it wouldn't last long for HE would eventually ruin those moments by saying something cruel. [Like putting someone down or whatever] 'Calm' made him nervous - I guess. He only felt comfortable if HE was causing chaos. He was - like your dad IS - a COWARD. For no MAN treats his family - his son - his wife - like that - unless he IS a coward. He feels like a 'nothing' and [Like every bully] tries to elevate himself by keeping others DOWN. There really isn't anything mysterious OR unique about it. Millions of people are just like that. Sadly. Unfortunately - there is no solution to HIS problem. At least not one that you can find. [Or even have the responsibility TO find] The only thing - the only option you have - is to vow to LEAVE his home as soon as you are able to and get on with your OWN life. You have become the 'parent' to your parents. [Which is exactly what happened to me] And that's NOT your role. That's NOT your responsibility. You have a right to get on with your own life.

Therefore.... I very strongly suggest that you immediately open up a new bank account [Even if you already a dozen of them] and add to that account every chance you get. Make it your 'get out on your own' account. And don't tell anyone about it. This is something you MUST DO. For YOUR sake - you have to start the ball rolling that will eventually get you the freedom you deserve. You deserve to be treated with kindness, compassion and respect. And you will be. But NOT UNTIL YOU start to respect yourself. The time has come for you to cut the apron strings and appreciate the fact that you are a man now and must take responsibility for your OWN life. Don't let 'dad' decide FOR YOU what your future will be life. Don't ASSUME that what you have already experienced in life is a blueprint for your future. It's NOT. You can't change other people. You can't change the past. But you DO have some control over your future. It took me YEARS to realize that truth. Learn from my mistake and get on with your life.

Just so you know - I am willing to bet that your O.C.D. has been exasperated BY your living circumstances and will become less of a problem for you once you get on with your life.

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
   
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 3rd 2009, 03:29 AM

I don't think I can make it in life in you did. I get no love in real life except from maybe my mom. I wanna give up.
   
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 3rd 2009, 03:40 AM

I know how it feels to be stuck with a stressful family...but don't end your life...you said you love your mom, just think what you would do to her if you did! She would be heartbroken! I can't even imagine!
   
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 8th 2009, 04:07 AM

I can't hold on... I really can't take this anymore... I really feel the need to die right now... So much pain...
   
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 8th 2009, 10:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Delivery View Post
I can't hold on... I really can't take this anymore... I really feel the need to die right now... So much pain...
Hi Delivery!!

Exactly what it is you can't hold on to?

Exactly what is it you can't take anymore?

Think about it.

Are you under the impression that you MUST 'be there' to take your dad's abuse? Do you believe that the responsibility for whether or not your mom is happy - rests on YOUR shoulders?!

Depressed and/or suicidal people are often very frustrating. [I know - I was VERY suicidal when I was 15] And I say that because they NEVER LISTEN. [Just as I never listened] They are consumed with their own negativity. Their depression is their 'drug' and they will do ANYTHING to hold on to that 'drug'. You are no more trapped in your house than I am. You can go anywhere. You are NOT STUCK. The idea that you are stuck is an illusion - a LIE. I understand that LIE for I believed it just as you do. But it's still a LIE. You also don't want to die - you just want the PAIN to stop. [And that's a BIG difference] But you're under the impression that the only option available to you is to take your own life - which means that you have embraced yet another LIE. Death is NOT your only option. There are many far less dramatic options to chose from. [Whether you believe that or not] The time has come for you to stop believing LIES.

But the only way for you to see the TRUTH will be for you to distance yourself from all of that negativity. [Your own - and the negatively created by your unstable father] It's like trying to smell the roses when your standing on a pile of manure. Right now - you're ON the pile of manure - so you must find a way to create a space between you and that 'pile'. I gave you just one of many options. The time has come for you to consider other possibilities.

GBH - Craig!!
   
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Re: Looking for excuses to die... I REALLY need them... - October 9th 2009, 01:21 AM

It's not just my dad anymore. It's not just my family anymore even. It's life... I give up...
   
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