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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
firecracker Offline
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Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 8th 2009, 11:25 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Little back-story. We have two dogs, both boys, both roughly the same size. One's a boxer named Chompers. One's a german Sheppard mix named Jaffa. Chompers is obnoxiously enegetic and Jaffa was adopted and previously abused. These boys dogs aren't like usual males dogs. They don't fight, they seem to endlessly love each other. We joke that they're a couple.


My oldest brother and I were talking a few days ago.
Brother: Well, if they were a straight couple, Chompers would have to be the male.
Me: Why?
Brother: Cause he's more masculine; he jumps around and bites people. Jaffa, I mean, you say his name too loudly and he cowers.
Me: So cowering is a feminine trait?
Brother: No, That's not what I said.
Me: Yeah, it is. You said that jumping around was more masculine, and that Jaffa just cowered so he couldn't be masculine. Which means his cowering is feminine!
Brother: No! You're twisting what I said cause that's what you always do.

This effectively shut me up. He really made me feel like I was twisting his words to make it sound bad. I let it go and forgot about it. This morning, I mentioned it to my mom and explained what he'd said. She was pretty offended by it, too. I was relieved. I had actually begun to believe I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Which leads me to this rant to my brother:

Dear Brother,
I know you don't believe it, hell, you probably don't care, but you are a misogynist. And I'm not "being a bitch" when I point it out. Pardon me if I don't think calling someone a "cocksucking motherfucker" is funny, it's RUDE and I'm gonna tell you if I don't like it. I know you think you're this laid-back Zen Buddhist, you're an asshole, okay? And I am sick of hearing your homophobic jokes too. Stupid things aren't gay. People acting weirdly are not retarded. No, I AM NOT A BITCH FOR TELLING YOU TO STOP SAYING THE GAME RAPED YOU. These jokes and expressions are not funny.

When I was a kid, I looked up to you so much. You were my hero. Now you just piss me off and I can hardly stand being around you. I barely respect you anymore because you don't respect anyone else different from you.

Your sister

(Oh, Just to give you another example of his homphobia and misogyny, he told me this joke and couldn't understand why I was so offended.

This is how we win the war: Send in the troops to fight, 28 days later send in all the women to nuke everything, then send in the gay men to re-decorate.

Nice huh?)
   
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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 10th 2009, 02:14 AM

I really, really don't like your brother.

Have you tried talking to your mother about the situation more? Maybe she could step in and say something to him. Another thing would be to talk to your brother. Let him know how offensive you think his jokes are. Make him hear you. You talk, he listens.


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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 10th 2009, 02:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by udontno View Post
I really, really don't like your brother.

Have you tried talking to your mother about the situation more? Maybe she could step in and say something to him. Another thing would be to talk to your brother. Let him know how offensive you think his jokes are. Make him hear you. You talk, he listens.
Well see, he's 30. He thinks he can say whatever he wants despite what anyone else says.
   
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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 10th 2009, 03:27 AM

Well your brother sounds kinda like a jerk. I'm sorry. All I can say, though, is that no matter what, you can't change the way some people think. Though we naturally have the urge to, sometimes we have to go our seperate ways with the way we think.
   
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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 14th 2009, 02:18 AM

Oh, wow, he sounds pretty horrible. I don't blame you for ranting about him.


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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 15th 2009, 03:42 PM

I know this sounds harsh, but since he's annoying you so much (and being really childish) perhaps you should blank him out. I know he's your brother, but...well, if he realises that his attitude doesn't give him the attention he may want, maybe his attitude will change. You don't have to cut off all contact with him, just ignore what he says and maybe he'll grow out of it.
Obviously ignoring is easier said than done...but that's what rants are for, right? =]




   
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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 15th 2009, 04:16 PM

He sounds like a pretty normal bloke. What's the problem here? I hate to be the person who sticks up for your brother but he's not really done much wrong.

Not everyone only says politically correct things, I'm sure we've ALL told a joke that someone would get offended by. I mean, I actually found that joke about war pretty funny, does that mean I actually believe that gays are expert decorators? No, of course not, I just find the stereotype amusing.

Lots of people say bad things are "gay" or that things are "retarded" too, does that mean that they think gay people are bad? Of course not, it's just a habit. I mean, my gay friend actually calls things "gay" instead of "rubbish" etc, it's just a habit for him.

And with the dog thing, I think he was just making a lighthearted comment which you got a little too offended over. Yes, men are traditionally seen as more aggressive therefore in his little lighthearted stereotype the aggressive one is the male. It was actually an active comparrisson: Aggressive = male. But you turned it around to mean weak and feeble = female, which I don't believe he actually meant at the time from what you're saying. Of course the stereotype isn't always true but people generalise all the time, it's very difficult not to. It does actually seem that you were slightly twisting what he was saying, inadvertantly of course. So yeah, moutain out of a molehill, sorry.

I really do think the best way for family unity is to try to see things from the other person's perspective because sometimes you don't stop to think about their reasons or motives behind saying what they say. Maybe you could get him to cut down on what he says around you if you maturely sit down and talk to him about it instead of taking an inquisitorial role and accusing him of sexism etc, he would probably respond better to that.

Last edited by Jack; October 15th 2009 at 04:24 PM.
   
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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 22nd 2009, 09:21 PM

Dear Bethany's brother,

Since this sounds like the kind of thing you might believe, let me be perfectly clear: The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself."

(source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095159/quotes)

CGM
   
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Re: Rant against my homphobic, misogynist brother. - October 22nd 2009, 10:11 PM

I think I'm with Jack. It's entirely possible your brother is what you say, of course, but all you've told us is the kind of things he says, and whole lot of people look bad if they're judged that way. Some of my friends use some of the same expressions he does, yet they're good people. People speak different ways for a multitude of reasons, and not many of them are deliberate choices. Try judging your brother by his actions, not his words, and see what you find.

Regarding the dog bit, while it might be "non-pc" to point out, in nature aggression is often a masculine trait. Heck, on average it's generally true in humans too. Honestly, if you're getting offended over that it looks like you're trying to find reasons to disagree with him. If you want to come here to vent, that's okay. It's one of the things we're here for. But at least from what you've told us, I think both of you could improve your communications skills a little. Try talking to him about it in a non-accusatory way, and sometime that's not just after you two have had a tussle.


The atoms that make up you and me were born in the hearts of suns many times greater than ours, and in time our atoms will once again reside amongst the stars. Life is but an idle dalliance of the cosmos, frail, and soon forgotten. We have been set adrift in an ocean whose tides we are only beginning to comprehend and with that maturity has come the realization that we are, at least for now, alone. In that loneliness, it falls to us to shine as brightly as the stars from which we came.
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