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charismatic21 Offline
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Exclamation Future murderer?? - October 17th 2009, 03:28 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I think too hard. And I care too much. Some people say that caring is one of my greatest qualities, but really, I care TOO MUCH. So when I love, I love too hard. And when I care, I get the other person to REALLY trust me, and they end up telling me things I absolutely do not want to know.
Over the summer I got really close with one of my guy friends. Sometime in July he thanked me for always being there for him and never asking for anything back. Later that night he started flirting, and an hour later he told me he loved me, told me I was perfect, begged me to give him a chance to show him how good he could be to me.. He told me he loved me in such a nice way. But I told him I couldnt, I told him I'd disappoint him. He told me I couldnt disappoint him, since he had no expectations. He asked me to let him talk to me romantically for the rest of the night, because he loved talking to me that way, and tomorrow we'd forget all about it. So I let him.
I couldnt forget it of course. And neither could he. Me? I thought that was going to be the greatest shock that I would get from him, telling me he loved me. But wow was I ever wrong.
Once school started we got back to our usual routine of hanging out with our mutual best friends. Dani and I grew even closer, talked more and more every day. One night he called me at 3 AM freaked out and breathless absolutely panicking just telling me to talk to him. I asked him what was wrong, and he said there was something grabbing his leg. I asked him what was it and he just told me to talk to him. So I tried to, until he finally calmed down ages later and went back to sleep.
About a week after that incident we were in Drama class and ended up partnered together for a Trust Activity we were doing. The teacher told us to tell each other one of our worst fears, or something we were ashamed of. So I told him I had an embarrassing fear of needles. He smiled. Asked me, "When do you freak out, when you see the needle?" and I said yes. So he says, "You see it. You have no doubt it's there, that it actually physically exists?"
and i tell him yeah, of course. i mean it IS right in front of me. Your turn.
Then he says imagine if..you were absolutely terrified of something that wasnt even real.
and i say what..??
and he says screaming like a little girl, covered in cold sweat and waking up your entire family begging them to get it away from you..
and i tell him get what away from you dani ?
and he says, "Nothing."
I tell him I dont understand
He says, "Nothing. Nothing real, anyway."
Finally it hits me.
"Dani you have hallucinations?"
"One way of putting it."
"I'm so sorry."
"Dont be, it's nothing. Literally."
That was the 2nd shock. The fact that he hallucinates. He later told me that he had been hallucinating since hes been 11, and he stopped taking his medication this summer, trying to test himself, to see if he could fight them. Im worried he'll lose it, I want him to go back to the medication but I cant bring myself to tell him.
A few weeks later he texts me at night while I was doing my homework and tells me we need to talk. Immediately I get defensive--which I felt guilty about later--and assumed it was something about us. I ask him what about? And he says I'll call u in a few minutes. So he did.
And he tells me he was just wrestling with his little brother, nothing new. Tells me he was winning, because he put a pillow over his brother's face and held it there. He tells me a few seconds later he didnt wanna let go, even though he knew his brother couldnt breathe. It made him happy. At this point I am panicking, I ask him what happened to his brother. He told me nothing happened, I realised I was being silly and I let go...but I wanted to kill him. I wasnt even angry, I was happy.
I try to tell him hes fine, I try to tell him (and myself) that he is perfectly fine, that we all want to kill our little brothers and sisters sometimes. I am trying to convince him as hard as I am trying to convince myself. Then I stop, because he interrupts me and tells me, "Sometimes I daydream about cutting Joseph's throat." One of our best friends. His lifelong friend. At this point I cannot breathe, and dont answer him. For a moment he is quiet, then tells me forget I told you anything, I'll see you in school tomorrow, and hangs up. I cry because it is so sad. He daydreams about cutting our best friend's throat. Not because he hates him--he loves him to death. Not because hes angry with him. But because it would make him HAPPY.
Now everytime I sit with them, I have to pretend Im not wondering what Dani's thinking about. Everytime I sit with him alone, I struggle not to wonder if hes thinking of cutting my throat.
He would never hurt someone. But he confided in me and told me he has the desire to. He told me he has the strength to stop himself. They are merely fantasies that he indulges in.
But everytime he touches me, I picture his face on the front page of a newspaper, picture journalists interviewing me, asking me if I ever saw it coming, my best friend who was in love with me, killing people. I'd say no, he was the sweetest most gentle person ever. And they'd say but he killed someone. What would I say then?
He has a problem. It is true he talks to me about it, but almost always asks me to forget I told him. He comes to me because he needs to unload. But he doesnt let me bring it up again; hes moody and easily hurt and could take any poorly chosen word the wrong way.
What do I do? I love my friends..flaws and all. But he has murderous tendencies...I have a feeling thats more than just a flaw.
   
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Re: Future murderer?? - October 17th 2009, 08:34 PM

Hi there,

There are some things that are inappropriate for you to deal with on your own, and I think that this is one of those things. If you are constantly worried about what your friend is thinking and what your friend might do, then that is a serious problem. These thoughts are not yours to handle on your own, and it isn't fair of your friend to tell you not to bring them up again.

I know talking about this might be difficult, but you really need to bring yourself to discuss this with a guidance counselor at school. It is important that you are safe and that your friend gets some help. He should be on his medication, and if he is harming his brother and thinking about harming his friends, then he obviously is not strong enough to hold himself back on his own.

Talk to a guidance counselor and let them know that this is a serious issue. Tell them that it is important that they contact this friend's parents as soon as possible and get him some help. I know it's hard to bring this up with other people, but you need to. He could be a danger to other people, no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise.

This is something that you can't help him with on your own. Seek some help and talk to someone about this. Keeping how you feel bottled up and a secret is not going to help anyone and it is unfair for you to have to keep it inside.

Be confident and strong and do your best to talk to someone. Your friend needs help, and you don't have the professional knowledge to be that person for him.

If you ever need to someone to talk to, feel free to message me. I have been in a similar situation before.

Take care and all the best.
Nat.


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Re: Future murderer?? - October 20th 2009, 12:43 AM

Okay, the last thing you want to do - the last thing is tell a guidance councilor. This would be his worst fear and if it gets into the wrong hands, everyone in school would find out and this would ruin his life. This would only make him more psychotic, how do I know this? Your friend sounds a lot like me.

When I was 13 I came close to killing someone, although to protect someone. I lost my mind and I would have killed if I wasn't held back. I also had thoughts years later of shooting someone who was pushing me around. There have been other scary thoughts I've had, but have been able to keep myself under control.

Chances are your friend is telling you because he wants help and he's afraid of his parents finding out the kinds of thoughts he's been having. Because they might look at him differently and his whole life would fall apart, this would make him more unstable. My parents still don't know and if they found out - I don't know what I'd do.

Like your friend, what I'm capable of has always scared me. Maybe see if he can channel this towards good, turning the killer instinct into the betterment for mankind - it's often said Batman is one step away from being the villains he captures. Many cops even have a killer instinct, but decide to use it for good. I believe, I hope our fate is ultimately in our hands.

The reason why your friend doesn't want to bring it up is because it will trigger him into remembering again and he doesn't want to. This shows that he's AFRAID OF HIMSELF. This shows guilt. If it comes or became stronger due to your friend stopping the meds, maybe bring it up and tell him how worried you are - you're not afraid, you're just afraid for him - that he's not a monster or threat for thinking this way because he does have guilt. If you're friend doesn't start taking his meds, suggest that he sees a therapist or psychiatrist who can help him - providing someone to talk to. If not that, find an adult figure he will trust and tell them.

Most likely telling anyone in school will cause more problem than good due to zero tolerance. Nor does he want his parents to know these thoughts because the worst thing in his imagination would probably be them seeing him differently. This leaves him with a friend he can trust that won't judge him - you. If you feel like you can't handle this alone, see if you can bring another of his friend into this or an adult figure who won't go to his parents but can be there for him with you. That's the best way to help him. Sounds like he too knows what's inside of him (what others can have), but he's afraid of that side of himself (I would even isolate myself in high school and stay away from anything that might trigger me, imagine Bruce Banner as a high school student - that was me) and that shows this doesn't need to go to a bad area if he's helped and not seen differently. You don't want to push him, because right now he sounds really emotionally vulnerable and might hurt himself or run away (I know because I would have if anyone in my family or school found out) - it needs to be approached cautiously and carefully because of this. If you need any help, from someone who's been in your friend's position before or if your friend wants somebody he can go to that was there - I can help. That's part of what I'm here for, those who were like me that need help and guidance.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; October 20th 2009 at 12:57 AM.
   
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