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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Elf Offline
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Name: Anne
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I feel bad, but my friend is making me INSANE. - January 24th 2009, 09:06 PM

This year, one of my best friends started developing a lot of insecurities. She doesn't think she's worthwhile and doesn't believe she deserves to be happy. She tried to give away all her Christmas gifts, or she wouldn't accept them. She gives away her lunch every day, and does all sorts of un-necessary things. She doesn't come to school if she thinks someone's mad at her. We've all been very very very concerned/totally confused, because everyone is so nice to her, we've been trying so hard to help her with this, but it never works. However, recently she's zeroed all her insecurity problems in on me specifically (she's normal with EVERYONE ELSE except for me):

Once we were walking somewhere and having a nice conversation when she told me, "I'm not stupid, I know that you don't actually like me. You're only tolerating me now because you don't care enough to ditch me, but by the end of the year, I promise, you'll be fed up and drop me." If I'm ever feeling sad one day or being more quiet than usual, she assumes that I'm angry at her/it's her fault, and someone finds her crying in the bathroom OR she just ignores me completely. If we're at play rehearsal or something and she sees me talking/having fun with other people, she'll assume it's because I don't want to be around her (when in fact, I do, but I also love spending time with my other friends).

She has turned me down when I asked her to hang out with me or something, because she's too worried that I don't like her and she thinks I'll have a better time without her. She never calls me anymore, either, because she thinks it'll make me angry. She frequently tells my other friends how worried she is that I hate her (they always try to explain that I actually love her dearly, but to no avail). but with me, if she's not totally pushing me away, she'll act like nothing's bothering her because "she doesn't want me to feel bad".

I have tried and tried to figure out what I've done to make her feel this way, but I haven't done anything. I care about her so freaking much, she was my very best friend for all of freshman/sophomore year. I am so unbelievably confused, and it's getting really really frustrating. I know I shouldn't get frustrated with her when she has so many problems, but I can't help it. I have tried everything to make this better, to help her, but it never works for more than a day. And this is stupid, but it's actually starting to hurt my feelings a lot. She thinks we don't notice/care when she does this shit, but of course we do. She never believes us.

So yeah, basically I need a lot of help. I want to help her with this, but she doesn't want to be helped because it makes her feel guilty. I want my friend back.


be thankful for what you have
and you'll end up having more.



Last edited by Elf; January 24th 2009 at 09:12 PM.
   
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Re: I feel bad, but my friend is making me INSANE. - January 24th 2009, 09:48 PM

Frankly, you need to sit down and have a direct talk with her. You need to tell her that you care about her and it's paining you that she's being so unmanageable. Tell her that you can help her feel better about herself but you are not an infinite reserve of goodwill. She needs to realize that she probably needs professional counseling.

In fact, why don't you try to get her into counseling?


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Re: I feel bad, but my friend is making me INSANE. - January 25th 2009, 12:08 PM

Hi there Anne,

I agree with Edna above^ that you need to sit her down and have a long talk with her about all of this. You need to explain what you told us in your post. Ask her why she's acting this way around you and how you can help her fix it. Let her know that you care about her a lot and that you are concerned with how she is acting. It seems she is under a lot of false impressions that she needs to get sorted out.

When your friend tries to give something away, just let her know that she doesn't need to and that she deserves her things just as much as anyone. It's not a good idea for her to go without a lunch either, because everyone deserves a lunch. You could ask people not to take her things when she offers them.

I was wondering if you have guidance counselors at your school? You could sign up for a session with your friend or separately so you can talk with someone about this. It's not normal for your friend to be acting this way out of nowhere. I think it would help to get this sorted out and discussed with a counselor.

All the best.
Nat.


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Re: I feel bad, but my friend is making me INSANE. - January 25th 2009, 08:01 PM

I have had so many long, sit-down conversations like that with her. They always end well, and she always says she understands and that she finally believes me and things like that. Clearly that's not true, though.

The counseling thing, I've mentioned to her it a few times and she always freaks out and refuses, but at this point, I might just do it anyways. Everyone else has tried to help, no one has managed to make a difference, and it's the only option I have now, really. I hope she doesn't get too angry or anything, but even if she does, things can't go on like this.


be thankful for what you have
and you'll end up having more.


   
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Re: I feel bad, but my friend is making me INSANE. - January 25th 2009, 08:11 PM

I think counseling may be a very good step, but make sure you plan things out carefully.


I am waylaid by Beauty. Who will walk
Between me and the crying of the frogs?

(My PM box is always open.. if I can't help you, I'll find someone who can)
   
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