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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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ThePunkAlien Offline
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Arrow My screwed up family, I can't stand it. - November 25th 2009, 03:55 AM

This is just a rant, but my Mom fucking drives me insane! Every fucking time I mention something about my biological history or show interest in it - she looks at me like I'm a disappointment for a son. Like even thinking about my other Mom and Dad is a crime or a sin or some fucking shit like that and I fucking hate it! I mean, I'm vulnerable enough as it is not knowing if my own parents ever wanted me - so disappointing my adoptive ones feels even worse. Like a reminder of how shitty of a son I am, maybe that's why they left me. I don't know.

Also it's like dealing with someone with split personality. Whenever I act like I'm fully hers, she is all joy, happy, hugs and caring. But, whenever I bring up my origins and interest in my roots she gets this look on her face like she's about to cry. I hate that I have to be curious about who I am, I hate that I can't be her son - that I can't ever replace the ghost of the kid she never had. More than anything, I would trade anything to be that kid. But, I can't. Is it normal to feel guilt just for wanting to know who you are? I mean, it came as simple as finding out what my real last name could be.

I think she has this really distorted notion that I'm strong. She always says it. But, inside - I am fucking weak. My biological father seriously fucked me up, not even knowing the man - I know he wasn't a good guy and the only thing he ever gave me was fear of becoming him. Part of me hates him, but another part wants to make him proud which is severely hard to take. Let alone, my adoptive mom making me feel like shit for even thinking about my biological parents. I never told her this, but one night we fought so much that she sent me into binge drinking and that's why I became an alcoholic for several weeks after heading into severe depression - a friend had to fly over to my college for an intervention that's how bad it got. She doesn't know this, because I love her and want to protect her. [another thing that I fucking hate is I can't say "I love you" to anyone in my family, those words freak me out - which I've read is normal in some orphans, but still makes me feel guilty as hell and like shit for not being able to reciprocate and let my family know how I feel because of my god damn stupid insecurities] But, I'm supposed to be the child right? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Or am I just supposed to fucking have this burden to carry alone for however long I live?

Not to mention this long lost - really, really pathetic dream or hope or something that someday my old man will come back and say, "son, I was wrong before, you are worthy to be my son and I want to watch you become a man." I must be some kind of loser for thinking that, it's been 21 years - he's not coming, I doubt he even cares. I'm a nobody to him, I'm no one.

Just there are a lot of fucking things about this that stings and hurts a lot. I hide it from my adoptive parents. But, it tears me apart more than I can handle. I jump back and forth between seeing my Dad as a horrible guy who didn't love my Mom and just used her then ran away to a hero or god-like figure who did love my Mom but something drove them apart.

The following passage really rings true to the situation:

Quote:
PERCY
Who's my Dad?

ANNABETH
Undetermined. Like I told you before, nobody knows.

PERCY
Except my mother. She knows.

ANNABETH
Maybe not, Percy. God's don't always reveal their identities.

PERCY
My Dad would have, he loved her.

ANNABETH
(Not wanting to burst his bubble)
Maybe you're right. Maybe he'll send a sign. That's the only way to know for sure: your father has to send you a sign claiming you as his son. Sometimes it happens.

PERCY
You mean, sometimes it doesn't?

ANNABETH
The gods are busy. They have a lot of kids and they don't always... Well, sometimes they don't care about us, Percy. They ignore us.

I thought about some of the kids I'd seen in the Hermes cabin, teenagers who looked sullen and depressed, as if they were waiting for a call that would never come.
As said, just a rant about how much I hate being the fucking rope in a game of tug of war unable to let my two identities define me - it's been stated that it's a lot like a guy with divorced parents and being pressured to take a side. How the fuck can I do that and not come out wounded? It shouldn't be this fucking unfair! I never asked for this! I just want to know who I am.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; November 25th 2009 at 04:01 AM.
   
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Jacksonian Offline
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Re: My screwed up family, I can't stand it. - November 26th 2009, 09:32 PM

I know that you just ranted, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. You didn't ask for that and it is unfair.
   
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