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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Out of Control - December 30th 2009, 08:56 PM

I'm new to here, but, since what happened tonight has totally scared me, I needed to talk.

I'm a sixteen year old in a messed up situation with my family and I'm scared it's going to get worse. I appriciate there are a lot of people out there with problems that I can hardly imagine but, I am scared.

Since I was young my parents had fought but, as I got around seven or eight years old, my parents began to abuse each other. It got worse. Strangling, teeth getting knocked out and other things. I never really understood what was going on, but I always screamed, trying to protect Mommy. I am scared to think how... used to it I was.

My Dad attempted to commit suicide and I was seven. A seven year old, standing there, watching my dad in a car, hose attached to the exhaust, through a window and all the other windows and entrances shut. A couple of presses on the peddle and he would have died of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Since then however, it gradually stopped but the fightning has still raged on. i used to ignore it, stay in my room and hide away from it all.

Now, we moved again and finally my parents are seeing counselor about it. It turns out my father is a manic depressive due to a twisted child hood I never knew about. Also, I found out that my mother had been married once before and had an abortion. I know it might not seem that bad but... It just hit me hard.

Now the big question is whether to love or hate my father. Since we found out his mental condition, he still has been a tyrant and he doesn't seem to want to change. I've lived with this for almost all my life and I'm stuck. Should my mom leave him? Should we stay together and live it though?

I'm scared... I think I'm turning into him. When he was being an ass like normal, I slapped him. Hard. It was odd, after wards, it slowly hit me what I had just done. It hadn't registered in my head. I think I'm getting really badly affected. Please help, i'm running out of options.
   
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Re: Out of Control - December 31st 2009, 09:20 AM

I suggust that your parents sort out what they have to between themselves.
wither your mom leaves him, should be her choice, and her choice alone.
now that she knows his mental condition it's up to her to think it through.
maybe seprating will calm things down, but maybe your father needs support.
im not sure, im no expert, but maybe he can be helped.
i think it's more important to try to help and take care of him than to shun and hate him. bcos maybe it's not obvious but im sure it bothers him, maybe to the point of his outrages.

... i think, (and it's my opinion, u can disagree all you want) that when they argue, you should stay out of it, and hiding in your room, being who you are, growing up on your own will ensure that your not as effected by their negative behavior as much.
try to do things you like, not think about it, just somewhat raise yourself on your own.

as for your father's behavior, it's not his fault. it's the way he was raised. perhaps he knows no better, and now it has been enbedded in him for so long, it's impossible to make it go.
i think that perhaps you should try to understand him more. try to think of him as a child, and remember that children with horrific expeirances sometimes may grow in size but not develope enough in emotions and interactions. they don't learn to speak of unpleasent emotions calmly, they know only one way to react, only one way to let the world know how they feel and that is by hurting the rest as well.
somewhere in there your father is broken.

im sorry you have to go through that. no one deserves to see stuff like that.
but i hope and believe you have the strenght to get through it.

whatever happens hang on in there, try to calm your parents sepratly, sometimes them seeing that they have a loving caring daughter knocks them out of their aggresive rage-filled world.

i know it's hard, considering the time it started. but whatever happens don't give up hope there has to be and there will be a way it gets better.

take lots of care, and if you need anything, i'm right here.


The Darker the NIGHT,
The brighter the dawn.
The longer the darkness lingers,
The more beautiful the light will come.

   
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Re: Out of Control - December 31st 2009, 09:49 AM

i think you need to talk to your mum about how you feel. it's not fair that the issues your parents have are starting to effect you like they are. when it comes to it, unfortunately you don't really have too much input as to whether your parents stay together or not, but that's not to say you can't give your mum advice in this situation. although your dad has been diagnosed with a mental disorder this does not excuse his behaviour and if he's being violent towards your mum then that's not ok. you say your parents are getting counselling to help with their relationship - maybe it would be a good idea if you had family counselling that you could be involved with as well, and any siblings you might have?. dealing with the issue as a whole family is probably the best way to move forward in this situation.


..and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears..



   
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Re: Out of Control - January 10th 2010, 11:10 PM

Thanks for the input to you guys. It's made me feel a lot better about the situation. I just really needed to get it off my chest.
   
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