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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Arroyo Offline
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Unhappy Choosing my boyfriend over my friends? (long) - January 2nd 2010, 08:49 PM

Alright. So the message of every other after-school-special is to never let a boy come between you and your friends. But here's the thing: I already did. See, I've been dating my boyfriend - let's call him Bob - for over a year now. I absolutely love him to death, and he loves me. We have a great relationship, but our history isn't so great.

See, when I met Bob, I was pansexual, leaning more towards girls. Although I was very attracted to him, he was "in love" with my best friend. Let's call her Sue. Sue liked Bob, but Sue liked lots of boys. She got a new boyfriend every other week. At the time, she was going out with this boy I liked, let's call him Jack. Then Jack decided he wanted to be a Jill, so Sue dumped Jack/Jill. When Jill couldn't get over Sue, Sue begged me to date Jill (the two of us really like each other) so she'd be free to date Bob. And I know you should never date a friend's ex, but if Bob was with Sue, I needed somone. But Sue dumped Bob and Jill dumped me. By this time, I really really liked Bob, and he really really liked me. So after many fights with Sue, I started dating Bob. Two months later, I dumped Bob for a girl that I didn't even date. It was bad, but we managed to remain good friends. Sue and I, on the other hand, were slowly drifting apart.

Six months later, Bob had moved away and Sue and I started hanging out more. But we would hang out with her friends. They were bad people. All we did when we were together was go out and party. Bob didn't like this, because he was stil very protective of me, but he was so far away it just didn't seem to matter. I was partying pretty hard by then, and one time Sue and I were very drunk and wound up admitting that we liked each other. Lots. We talked about it later, when we were sober, but Sue didn't want to end her current relationship.

Well, Bob came down for the 4th of July, and we wound up dating again. It was hard though, because he lived so far away. And it really hurt Sue. So, being the idiot that I am, I dumped someone I really loved to spare my friend's feelings. But we just weren't very good friends anymore, and we definately weren't going to date. I got into a bad situation with some friends while drinking a bit later. Basically, my life was headed for shit. Anyways. I was lucky enough to get Bob back, but on two conditions: I had to stop drinking, and I had to stop hanging out with all of the terrible friends I had made. It was the right decision, and I only regret that he had to make it for me. I should have made it myself.

But in the beginning of our relatinoship, Sue became best friends with Bob's ex, Sally, and started dating Bob's old best friend, Joe. Sally had cheated on Bob with Joe, so Bob wanted nothing to do with any of these people. And he didn't want me to have anything to do with them.

So, so far, the points against Sue are:
I once dumped Bob for her
She was a bad friend who got me into partying and alcoholism
She was hanging around with a bunch of people who had hurt Bob
She had broken both my and Bob's hearts

Despite all this, she's one of the best friends I've ever had and I miss her. It would ruin my relationship if Bob knew I was still friends with her, and I would never want that to happen. But I miss her so much! We see each other at school sometime, and I know we still both want to be friends. So I'm wondering if I should maybe try to be friends with her in secret and risk my relationship, or if it would hurt less to just let it go now instead of later. Any advice?


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Re: Choosing my boyfriend over my friends? (long) - January 2nd 2010, 09:55 PM

Woah this sounds way complicated! Juggling friends and a boyfriend is hard enough even without you and your friend liking each other.
Quote:
I once dumped Bob for her
She was a bad friend who got me into partying and alcoholism
She was hanging around with a bunch of people who had hurt Bob
She had broken both my and Bob's hearts
No. 1 is hardly her fault, that was a joint decision.. no.2 depends on whether she's still into all that stuff- could you guys hang out without that kinda stuff? Maybe with some of your other friends or as a pair? no.3 I think is irrelevant- you can't decide who your friends should and shouldn't like/hang out with. no.4- is kinda messy its true but you could get over it if you want to save your friendship.

I think you need to tell Bob that you'd still like to be friends with Sue but you need to make sure a) that you don't end up cheating on him with her, and b) that you don't end up drinking/partying if thats not where you want your life to be. Reassure him that you miss her as a friend only and that you won't start hanging out with her friends, or put yourself in a damaging situation.
   
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Lana Offline
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Re: Choosing my boyfriend over my friends? (long) - January 4th 2010, 01:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arroyo View Post
So, so far, the points against Sue are:
I once dumped Bob for her
She was a bad friend who got me into partying and alcoholism
She was hanging around with a bunch of people who had hurt Bob
She had broken both my and Bob's hearts
So I see this situation is a lot about people's choices and others' respect of those choices. Forgive me if I come off a little critical, but:

1. ... and that's her fault? Did she demand you dump him for her? Unless she called Bob and literally dumped him in your name, that was your decision and cannot be her fault (not directly, anyway). The only thing I could see being a problem is that you could do it again, but hopefully you've learned that's the wrong thing to do.
2. You could have stopped partying if you had really wanted. Her decision was to introduce it to you. Your decision was to stick with it.

As for the last two:

Your choice: to get over what Sue has done (number four) and be friends with her despite that. Since it seems Sue, Sally, and Joe will be kind of a 'package' deal, you're also choosing to overlook what they've done (number three).
Bob's choice: to not have anything to do with Sue or her friends (number three again).

You should respect Bob's choice. He should respect yours. He doesn't have to like it, but he can't stop you if that's what you really want. If you want to make this as easy (for everyone) make sure:

- Bob is reassured that you won't drink or cheat on him.
- That Sue knows you won't drink. If she doesn't respect that decision, there's a problem.

And if you can avoid parties, do so. Some people aren't past spiking drinks.

Hope I helped. Keep in mind this is how it should be if people are rational, but that isn't how it is sometimes. xD
   
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Arroyo Offline
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Re: Choosing my boyfriend over my friends? (long) - January 5th 2010, 08:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lana View Post
Did she demand you dump him for her? Unless she called Bob and literally dumped him in your name, that was your decision and cannot be her fault (not directly, anyway).
Actually, yes, she did.


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Grow through life.
   
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