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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
romantaholic Offline
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I Lost Him - January 29th 2009, 10:51 AM

I don't know if this is in the right forum. I guess it could go under a couple different ones -- Relationships and Dating, Sex and Puberty, or here...Friends and Family. I chose this forum because...he was a friend first and a friend last and I miss our friendship the most. This probably doesn't make any sense, so let me try and explain.

I was new last year and I became friends with this girl Lea. She started dating a boy named Nick and the three of us with my other friend, Stewie, would spend A LOT of time together. As it turned out, Nick and I got a long really well. We had four classes together -- more than I had with Stewart or Lea put together, and more then Nick had with either of them as well. Anyway, the more we started hanging out, the better friends we became. I didn't like him THAT way, and he didn't like me that way either -- though plenty of people thought we had something going on. Even Lea made comments like that.

The thing was...we understood each other, you know? He wants to be a director and I want to be a scriptwriter. We obsessed about movies and shared the same humor. We were always seen talking together or standing with each other. Sure, we didn't spend ALL our time together -- he ate lunch with his friends, I ate lunch with mine. I let him have his time with Lea while I went off to flirt with the guy I was interested in, but we TALKED. He made me feel like I was home when I still felt like the new kid. He made it all better when I failed on a test, because usually he failed as well. We were friends -- best friends.

And then at the end of the year he and Lea broke up. Which, yeah, sucked but it was fine. I was still friends with both of them, things weren't awkward like I thought they would be -- he still wanted to hang out with me even though he couldn't with Lea (or Stewie, since she was better friends with Lea then I was). The summer passed, but we still emailed and commented on each other's facebook's. When we came back for our senior year, we searched each other out first and everything was PERFECT.

By this time, the guy I liked was gone (in London, studying to be a chef) and Nick and I were spending more and more time together. We had only two classes together, but we also were in the play together. Of course I fell for him. I should have known it was going to happen sooner or later. Everyone always said it -- they joked that he was the Paulie Bleaker to my Juno McGruff (who everyone says I'm EXACTLY like). But our friendship was faltering...he started hanging out with this girl Rachael who has a habit of stealing people's friends away. She's cute and clingy and small and for whatever reason guy's just gravitate to her. Our friendship was falling and my crush on him was straining and then October break came.

My parents went out of town for the second half of the week, and the Friday morning he and I were talking on MSN. Fuck, I was so happy -- we hadn't talked in forever but he'd initiated the conversation. I mentioned my parents were out of town and that I wanted to go out. He told me that I should go out with him and his friends. He's ALWAYS been begging me to go with him and here was my opportunity without a curfew or anything. It was perfect. So I went out, I didn't think anything would happen (at most, I'd been hoping for a make out session or a rekindling of our dying friendship)...only then something did. We got drunk and...well.

We slept together.

It was awkward and good and strange and new and sweet and painful (hahaha) but...it was with him. It was both of our first times and it was...good. Not like mindblowing sex or anything, but him and me. Together, I mean. That was good. We cuddled and kissed and fell asleep together and I asked if things would be awkward between us. And he looked me straight in the eye and he PROMISED me that things wouldn't be. He told me that it would be stupid. I asked what we would do -- talk about it, ignore it? And he laughed and told me it would be idiotic to ignore it. That we were more mature then that. That he didn't regret it.

The next morning about ten minutes or so after he left he sent me a text. He said we should just pretend it never happened. That he didn't want it to ruin our friendship. That hurt, but I agreed to it. That Monday we talked and realized the condom had broke so we faced a pregnancy scare when my period came late. He was sweet and caring and promised to be there for me, to buy the kit with me, to go to the doctor, to tell my parents. Whatever happened. Luckily enough it didn't come down to it -- a week later my period came.

And then he stopped talking to me.

Nick didn't look at me. He didn't make eye contact. He didn't shove me or brush our fingers together or ruffle my hair like usual. He did all that to Rachael. And after a week, I leaned up against his locker at the end of Friday and asked bluntly, "So. Are we ignoring each other or have we just managed to go a week without talking?" And he looked at me, his eyes wide, and said, "I...I don't even know. Honestly. I don't even know." (Which, I would just like to point out, is a Dane Cook skit where he makes fun of the GIRL in a relationship and how she always replies to a confrontation with, "I don't even know.") So I tried to talk to him. I tried to tell him about my life, about what was happening, and he did that thing. Y'know that thing. Where they back away towards their other friends and go, "Uh huh...yeah...sure...sorry...gotta go" and then they turn around and start talking to someone else.

Yeah, he did that.

This was back in October. We haven't spoken since other than a week ago when we read my script in Theatre class and he said that it was good. And that's not enough. Nick was my best friend. I want to tell him about the fact that I got into college. I want to tell him about the fact that my brother (studying directing in college) wants to make a film out of my script. I want to tell him about the fact that Colin -- the guy I liked last year -- likes me too and we're together (sort of). I want to tell him about my life. I want to rant about the horrible new movies and predict how the Oscar's will go with him. And not only that but I want to know about HIS life. I want to know if he got into college or if he's made any new films or if he's dating anyone.

But he won't even look at me. I lost him. One drunken night and our friendship has been ruined. And I want to fix that. I need to fix that. I don't want to go off to college without having made things all right with him. Nick means so much to me, he played such a large part of my life these past two years, he was my FIRST, and I don't want that to be the end of our friendship. For the end to be "I don't even know. Honestly. I don't even know."

I need to fix things but...how?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Strider Offline
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Re: I Lost Him - January 29th 2009, 06:09 PM

Hi there Kat,

I know you've tried talking to him in school a few months ago, but how about outside of school? Maybe you could phone him up and ask if he wants to go for a coffee or something and just talk (about movies or life or whatever you feel like). Let him know you just want to hang out.

You were really close before, so I think he'll understand when you explain how you are feeling to him. Just tell him that you don't want to lose touch and that you two could write to each other or see each other now and again when you are both in college. You can ease around the awkwardness by just talking about life and the stuff that interests both of you.

I think that talking to him would be best, and someplace that is just normal for both of you. I suggested going for coffee, but you could always just go for a walk or go someplace you both used to like hanging out. It sounds like you pretty much know what you want to say to him, you just need to find the opportunity. This isn't something you can facebook someone on. Talking to him in person is the best way to work it out.

Just keep in mind that some people just lose touch after a while, and you don't need to blame it on having sex. It's just something that people go through, especially before going to college.

I really hope you two can work it out.
Nat.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I Lost Him - January 30th 2009, 11:26 AM

Nat,

I know what you're saying. We've bumped into each other outside of school (like at the bar all our friends hang out at) and...it's the exact same. He doesn't make eye contact, and even when I address him by name he doesn't respond (which is ridiculously embarrassing as I try to pretend like I don't notice that I've just been ignored). And I know how easy it SHOULD be to pick up the phone and call him, but everytime I try I just...can't.

The thing is though, we're not drifting apart because of college. It was this. Sleeping together. I don't blame it solely -- Rachael (as much as I hate saying this because it sounds like I'm playing the blame-game) has one of those personalities that invite people in and she grabs more attention then I do. He and her were becoming better friends, but it was still me and him. We were still best friends. He would get pissed at her, or he would invite me to go get lunch with him, and it was just the two of us. But this...this changed everything.

It wasn't us "losing touch". I know that probably sounds presumptious and you're thinking, "Well that's just because you don't want to believe it" but I know what that's like. I've moved around my entire life, I've seen friendships drift apart. This was, one day we were best friends, and the next we weren't talking. It's been months and people still come up to me and ask about what happened. People still wonder why we're not talking and I lie. I'm supposing he lies too because if people knew...my school's small enough that it would be all over the hallways in a day.

It just...it hurts. I've drifted apart from friends a ton (which is awful), and it hasn't made this impact. I've never had to break up with someone or be dumped and then see them everyday at school -- I usually date guys out of school or we break up before one of us moves. But Nick. He's the first guy -- the first friend -- that something has interfered and completely destroyed a friendship, and then left me to have to see him every day, in the hallways, in my classes, in the cafeteria. And I don't even think he sees me.

ANd we didn't have a "normal" place to hang out. No where neutral. He didn't come over to my house and I didn't go over to his (we live on opposite sides of the city), and the only bar he ever wanted to go to was Lukas where everyone from school goes and is also the bar that we hooked up at.

I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to reach that point. I mean. Picking up that phone should be so easy. Tapping him on the shoulder and asking to meet up with him should be a snap. But it's not. And I just can't help remembering the sight of him backing away from me.

And I'm sorry my posts are always ridiculously long. As I mentioned before, I'm a writer so...this is what I do.
But. Thank you. Talking about it here is helping me to slowly build up the courage. I hope, at least.
   
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