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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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HarmonicToxin Offline
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Post Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - February 22nd 2010, 10:53 PM

This past November, I turned 18. I've always had issues with my mom. She's bipolar, so she has lots of trouble controlling her emotions. I've been the scapegoat all of my life, especially since I'm an only child. not that i've not had good times too, but most of the time...the bad times are the ones that haunt my mind, sadly.
This year is my senior year of high school. It's been a tough ride from Freshman year to get here, but it's been worth it. I've met the most wonderful guy, that I'm planning and willing to spend the rest of my life with..but...it's like...ever since i've turned 18, gotten a man that I love, and started applying to college, she's gotten meaner, and more vicious. She knows that the worst thing in the world for me is for her to insult Alex, my boyfriend. I can't stand it when she does that, cuz that to me is worse than her yelling at me and putting me down. I just can't abide her putting him down.
Anyway, I've been out of the house a lot lately, mostly hanging out with Alex and our mutual friends. Mom can't stand that. Whenever I get home (and it seems especially prevalent when I've had an amazing day), she puts me and him down, and just generally destroys any kind of good mood I may have had. I don't...I mean, she and I have talked about this before, and even she admitted to me that she thinks she just can't let go and is subconsciously trying to burn the bridge with me so she won't be hurt when I leave for college and my own life. I want her to be ok with everything, but she also needs to understand that she cannot control my life. Yes, I still live with her, but it could also be said that I help pay for her home, since the part of her Social Security that is meant for my care, goes to pay for the home. And yes, I don't even call it "my home" or "our home" I haven't felt that way to call it by that name in a long time. I just don't know what to do or how to cope with this anymore. It's ruining my relationships with other people, because most of the time that i'm with her or when i just leave her, I become depressed or angry, and that permeates through every facet of my being. I hate it. I hate feeling angry, and upset and hurt a good 60% of the time. I dont want to feel that way, and I don't want to bring others down because of how i'm feeling. I just don't know what to do anymore. Even when I try to have a sentient, calm conversation with my mother, it turns into a shouting match, because she takes what I'm saying as confrontational. Or, she says I'm being a manipulative little bitch. I don't care. I don't know. I need out. I have used unhealthy ways to cope before. Everything from rubber band snapping, to cutting, to just plain letting myself build up the feelings till I made myself physically sick. I've tried starving myself...that just made me feel sick, angry, hurt, depressed...not a good idea. Plus, I've promised Alex that I'm NEVER going back to ANY of that. And that's a promise I plan to keep.
Advice? or just even words of comfort...anything. I just need to know that I'm not dumping everything on those I love, and that there are others out there that understand...

~Tessa
   
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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - February 23rd 2010, 09:27 AM

Tessa.

I understand that you are going through hell of a freaking lot, and i'm going to help.

My advice... sometimes if words spoken don't work, use written words. A lot of the times its not the words itself that sparks an argument, but rather the tone in which people speak those words. Hence, written words might be a better way to tell your feelings to your mom.. ( just an advice consider it before putting it to the test) .Because a lot of times, written words are read when people are not in a confrontational mood, and hence might get your message through better.

And besides that, a lot of mothers are kinda sort of against their daughters having a boyfriend.. so it is actually kind of expected that he gets flak. However, your boyfriend might be having it just a tad worse than the rest. Just remember to know what's right and what's wrong... maybe it might be okay to tell her how he's like, so that she realizes that he's a way better person than the boy in your mother's mind.

I know it seems hard for now, but no matter what please do not lose hope. you have all our support, and we are gonna help you out as much as we can. alright?

supportive, always.


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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - February 23rd 2010, 01:57 PM

Thanks for the advice.
Thing is, I've tried the written letter. When we had our senior retreat at my high school, I wrote a letter to my mom, and told her I'd like her to let go...but I guess I didn't say everything I'd have liked to. I might try that again.

My mom knows my boyfriend. He's hung out a bit at my house, and she loves him all the time, up until she gets into a raging mood. I guess its jsut things she doesnt mean to say, but...its still obnoxious.

I'm just trying to get through. I hope when I leave the house it'll get better...
   
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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - February 23rd 2010, 09:29 PM

actually, i am hoping that you and your mom stay together.

i just wanted to point out that written words, actually are said in the soften tone.. which is no tone at all, and thus contain no harshness whatsoever. and always remember that no matter how your mom is, she , deep inside, loves you very much. And i hope you manage to sort things out.

And remember that no matter what happens, we are going to support you. Just always remember to stay strong, and remember to make the right decision for yourself..

we all believe in you


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - February 24th 2010, 03:03 AM

Thank you. I appreciate the support...it really helps. I have to leave the house, though, for college, and for my own sanity. Every kid has to leave the house sometime...and my time is coming soon. and I think that's stressing her out...which in turn is stressing me out...
   
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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - February 24th 2010, 04:11 AM

sometimes these things do happen, but just remember that you have to stay strong, alright i know everything will go well.


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - March 1st 2010, 04:33 PM

Well, this has all hit a new low. I was at my boyfriend's house...mom suggested it as a fun weekend for me. I went there Thursday afternoon. On Friday, we had a Theatre Crew meeting. We are always told to expect to stay until 3 PM. However, that day we got out early. My boyfriend and I went to lunch with a friend of his. We forgot to tell my mother that theatre ended early. Later that afternoon, mom texted me, upset i'd forgotten to tell her theatre ended early, and told me, "I hope you find a place to stay tonight and for the rest of your life." At that point, I knew I was in trouble. I was hurt, but I took her at her word, and stayed with my boyfriend another night. Saturday was quite a confrontation. Saturday morning, my mom called my boyfriend's dad, and cussed him out. He asked if she wanted him to bring me home, and she said she didn't care. I was afraid to go home, so we took her at her word, and I stayed with my boyfriend again. Later that night, my mother exploded. She was so angry, accusing my boyfriend's parents of kidnapping me. She drove to his house, and began beating on the doors and pushing the doorbells. I was sitting in the basement with my boyfriend, sobbing and enduring many waves of fearsome terror. I was rocking back and forth...I couldn't go home with her....she was screaming, at the top of her lungs, for me to come out and go home with her. My boyfriend's parents...thank god for them...they called the police, and my mom was made to go home. I don't belive she's been takin her bipolar meds, and they need to be readjusted as well. I'm afraid to go home, and since i'm 18, I refuse. I won't go back to a situation where I'm being mentally and emotionally abused. I can't do it anymore. I'm staying with different friends, now...i just needed to vent/get advice on how to make this constant fear go away. Its just nagging at me all the time and i can't deal with it...
   
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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - March 1st 2010, 06:31 PM

put it this way. If she reacts like that, there is not much you can do.. she's overreacting.

Sounds like her emotions are going out of control... it's impossible to predict what she's going to do next. I suggest that you stay somewhere where it's safe, and you can get shelter (aka your boyfriend's house or friend's place ) . It is great that you have a place to stay . I just hope that your mom comes to her senses and learns that emotions and anger isn't the way to handle everything..

I know it'll get better. Stay strong, alright? remember that we are always going to support you .

caring always.


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - March 1st 2010, 07:54 PM

Hi Tessa. I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this.
I think you may want to suggest a Psychiatrist your mother or a doctor, refer someone to her so maybe they can help her with these emotions because you don't need to deal with this, even though she is bipolar it is a condition, it's not entirely her fault, and you'll be going to College so then you can stay in the dorms and you won't have to be around her all the time. I personally think distance from her would really do you some good, so maybe move in with another family member until College starts if you can?
   
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Re: Coping and Getting Away...help? (Wall of Text, sorry) - March 2nd 2010, 12:38 AM

I've decided to do a bit of house-hopping. not too much, mind you. it'll be mostly three people: my boyfriend, and 2 other friends. I think this is all going to work out. My mom apparently left a "package" for me at my boyfriend's house, and it had lots of stuff, including my passport and Soc. Card. That's a plus. However, we've got a trip with the band coming up...to Orlando...I'm going to need clothes and stuff....dangit...I just keep thinking of things I need...

THanks for the advice, guys. My friends have been SO supportive...it's helping me out, and knowing you all are here too really eases my mind.
   
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