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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 1st 2010, 04:20 AM

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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 1st 2010, 06:19 AM

I think that they should do everything they can to make the marriage work but if it really is past the point of them being able to work things out then no, they shouldn't stay together. It's not going to benefit the kid(s) if they are just arguing all the time and are unhappy.


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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 1st 2010, 07:59 PM

I think the couple should stay together and try and work things out. If they really are trying it will become better, because the kids themselves will be hurt by the divorce. It will hurt them(the kids) very badly. If the couple is trying, progress will show, if they are arguing they should talk. But divorce will only show that it is their own feelings they care about and not the children. Arguing infront of kids is not good and can be fixed. But tearing the family apart, you never know how that will influence them and you never know if you will be able to fix any problems that result from it.


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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 1st 2010, 08:16 PM

I agree with Elle. if there's no hope in fixing the marriage after trying everything, I think that the best thing that can be done is to separate; the kids definitely won't benefit from the parents quarreling and bickering all of the time. I think it also depends on the age of the kids. Obviously if the kids are older and close to leaving the house anyway, the won't have to deal with growing up with divorced parents, since they're already done growing up. Obviously it's hard at any age, but for a smaller child I believe that it would be more difficult not having your parents together.
My opinion is, if the parents are unhappy, it's going to have a negative impact on the kid(s) as well.


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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 1st 2010, 09:16 PM

I also agree that if everything has been done to try to make it work then they should seperate. I think that they should keep it civil though, not like my parents, they really messed my brother up tbh.



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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 1st 2010, 10:06 PM

Depends on why it’s failing. If it’s failing because both people don’t want to put effort into making it work, then I think they need to try harder and do everything they can to stay together for the kids.

If its failing because there is abuse going on, or some other extremely serious situation where people are going to get hurt in any kind of matter, than no, they should not stay together.




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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 1st 2010, 11:28 PM

Yes and no. My answer depends on why the divorce is failing, for how long it's been failing, previous/current efforts to try to restore the marriage and most importantly, whether the couple can agree to settle whatever the differences are to try to make it work. It could end up doing more damage than good to the children. If previous attempts were made but it still isn't working, then it's time to call it quits because it's just beating a dead horse some more. If the parents want to make it work and have attraction for one another but the reasons for the divorce involved substance abuse, physical abuse, rape and similar actions to each other or to the children, then staying together allows for more opportunity for the children to witness/experience these actions.
   
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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 2nd 2010, 12:50 AM

My parents tried that. They wanted to get divorced ever since they got married, isn't it ironic. Then my sister was born. Then I was born. They decided, Maybe we can work things out. Let's try.

I think their messed-up relationship was a big part of my childhood. Each parent had their own personal issues, but then there was the added burden of them hating each other. Most nights they would argue. The only time we were all together in the same room in peace was in the dining room or kitchen, when we had dinner and were too busy to say insulting things.

There were tears, phone calls to the police, threats - so much unnecessary drama that not only complicated their lives, but the lives of their children (me and my sister).

I didn't know what this was until I was ~10. My dad first started using that word, divorce. He never used it around me but somehow my sister learned of it. She told me about divorce. She told me what my dad wanted to do. I was like, No I want mommy and daddy together..

But then... that conversation stuck with me. I saw how happy my dad was without my mom, and my mom without my dad. I noticed the things they liked to do. Their interests were so different. It was like each one was holding the other back in some way. It was one of the hardest things for me to accept. Of course I wanted them to be together but obviously there was a solution that would leave them happier.

On one hand, they're better apart. They were officially divorced about two weeks ago. There's a part of me that longs for a perfect family "like it used to be" - I know that's not realistic. Sometimes I wish they had divorced sooner, and rarely I wish they hadn't divorced at all. I think it would be worse if they were still together.

Honestly, my parents said their excuse for not divorcing sooner was "the children," but I found out that my mom actually didnt want to divorce at all. She thought it could be fixed, when it couldn't. This was another harsh thing I had to accept. I actually told her when I was about 13, "You can't make a marriage work with only one person trying" and of course she blamed my dad. She told me to make him try harder. Plenty of times parents say "Let's try to work it out, for the kids," but really they just don't want to let it (their marriage) go so easy.
   
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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 2nd 2010, 01:10 AM

I think they should try and make it work but staying in a loveless marriage isn't good for you, your partner or children :/ Children aren't idiots, just know when something isn't right.


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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 2nd 2010, 01:38 AM

From personal experience, a couple should not stay in a failing marriage. My parents have not been happy together for years- I actually never remember them being happy together. It was constant fighting all my childhood and teen years, and it messed my brother and I up a lot. They're currently seperated, and even though it's only been about a month, I'm already noticing a big change in my mood.

So, really, unhappy marriages do children no good and it some cases everyone is much happier if the parents are not together.
   
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Re: Should a couple stay in failing marriage for the sake of the kids? - May 2nd 2010, 08:00 AM

My parents wanted to get divorced when I was 1, but they stayed together until I was 12. They wanted to wait until I could 1) handle the divorce better (emotionally) and 2) choose which parent I wanted to live with. I don't think I noticed that anything was wrong until I was ~10 years old. They were surprisingly good at pretending everything was okay. I don't know if they just argued when I wasn't around, or if they simply didn't talk to one another... but I had a rather happy childhood, thanks to my parents' willingness to try and hold things together.

So do I think parents should try to stay together, for the sake of their children? Yes and no. Like other members said, if it's something that is "fixable", then the parents should seek counseling and get their heads out of their butts. =P If one or both spouses are abusive (either toward each other or toward their children), then no. As painful as a divorce would be, I think that it would ultimately be better if the children could live with a single, loving parent.

What's really tricky is when the parents simply aren't in love anymore, but are still capable of loving their children and hiding the fact that they're unhappy (for the most part). I know that some people would say the parents need to think about their own happiness, and to do what's best for them... but in all honesty, I think that's rather selfish. When you become a parent, your children ought to be EVERYTHING. It doesn't seem fair to put them through all that pain, just because you chose the wrong person to marry. =/





   
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