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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lorelei Offline
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Name: Laura
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I thought I was done crying about this. - February 9th 2009, 10:31 PM

Damn it, I hate this. I can't get over it. I can't get over how the first man who was ever in my life turned his back on everything (I thought) he cared about. When I cry over him, I feel like he's won. No, worse, I feel like she's won. Dad doesn't want to see how much he's hurt me. How much he still hurts me. EVERY FUCKING DAY. And I can't get over it. I wish he could see the look on my brother's face after they've talked on the phone. I wish he could see how he's destroyed my brother, left him without a strong man to look up to and trust. He's destroyed my sister by letting his fucking wife control not only his life, but my sister's life. He's made it impossible for me to trust anyone, because all he's done is twist my words around and make me hate myself even more.

He doesn't call except Christmas and my birthday, and I wish he wouldn't. I've been tearing up the checks he's been sending me. I can't accept money from someone I can't stand to talk to, or even look at. I should have just sent back that fucking gift card, but it would have started a whole slew of arguments I'm not ready to face right now.

I want to hurt him so he'll know how much he hurts me, but I can't do that because I love him, and I don't want to do that to someone I love. I want to take a vacation and visit him, but then he'll think he's won. He'll think I'm crawling back, and I'm not. I will not fucking crawl back to that man. I just want him to see who I am now. I've grown up. I've gotten through my materialistic phase, through my suicidal phase, through my denial phase, WITHOUT him. And I could do it again. But I can't stop crying over him. I want to fly over there and just give him a hug and tell him I want to be his daughter again. But he'll see it as surrender. I know him, but he doesn't know me. He doesn't know how smart I am, how much I've learned. I've read Kafka, Dante, Shakespeare, Plath... Ugh. What's the last book he's read, Leviticus? I've learned that I don't need him. But I still really want him to be here.

I think that this entire time, I've been trying to prove to him and to myself that I don't need him or want him around. I've been trying to make him see that I'm better off without him. But it still really hurts. It feels like when I left eight years ago, he stole a piece of my heart and he won't give it back. And I'm just beginning to realize how big of a hole he left.

But I know I can't blame him. This is my life, and I have to play the cards I've been dealt. It feels like he has all the power. Like he has four aces and I have a two of clubs. But I have to make that work, somehow.

I just thought I was done sabotaging myself because of him. I've been doing well at school. Relatively well, anyway. Better than last year. But he's still there, in the back of my mind. Hurting me. And I try so hard to make myself better because somehow maybe it will fill the gap. But it won't.

I've tried working myself into the ground.
I've tried curling up into a ball and letting the pain have me.
I've tried getting what I want out of life, but it all comes down to the same thing.

He's missed out. He's screwed up. And I'm the one who has the suffer for it.

My sister is hurt by it too, but she is still in denial. She thinks God will save her. Well guess what, sis? God didn't save me. God doesn't save the children all over the world who are dying of poverty and neglect. God doesn't save me from crying myself to sleep over this shit that I can't fix. God won't save her, and that hurts. Because I want her to be saved. I don't want her to be hurt, but it's too late. It's done.

Congratulations, Mom and Dad. It's a beautiful, self-hating, self-centered, teenage girl. I hope you're happy.

I haven't written this much about my dad in a long time. I don't blame you if you didn't read it all, it was more of a rant than anything else.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Strider Offline
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Re: I thought I was done crying about this. - February 10th 2009, 12:44 AM

Hi Laura
(Just letting you know, I did read it all).

I don't know if you want to talk about it, but I'm having a difficult time coming up with suggestions on how to help you out without knowing what exactly happened between you and your dad? Why is it that he left? and why don't you want to see him again?
If you don't want to answer, that is perfectly okay. It would just be a little easier to come up with suggestions.

I think if you want to work it out with your dad, then you should. Maybe go and see him and talk things all over. If you feel up to it, maybe even say to his face that you don't want to accept his money. If you are uncomfortable with receiving his money, then you don't have to take it. I assume that he knows you're not cashing the cheques? It might be good for him to have some kind of reason for this. You could talk to him over the phone if you wanted to instead, but it sounds like you would like to see your dad in person. Again, I don't know the situation, but if you feel that this would be unsafe for you to do, then don't do it.

I know your dad has been a torment to you and you've felt you needed to take it out on yourself, but I just want to let you know that your dad isn't the one who matters here- it's you. You need to feel good about yourself. Like you said, you've been getting good marks in school and you've overcome some phases and those are huge things to be proud of. You're a smart girl and you sound very independent, you just need to break that bad connection with your dad. You can either patch it up or break off completely. I'm sure you'll do what you think is right for you.

I'm very proud of how strong you've been.
If you ever want to talk, please send me a PM.

Nat.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Lorelei Offline
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Re: I thought I was done crying about this. - February 10th 2009, 03:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Strider View Post
Hi Laura
(Just letting you know, I did read it all).

I don't know if you want to talk about it, but I'm having a difficult time coming up with suggestions on how to help you out without knowing what exactly happened between you and your dad? Why is it that he left? and why don't you want to see him again?
If you don't want to answer, that is perfectly okay. It would just be a little easier to come up with suggestions.

I think if you want to work it out with your dad, then you should. Maybe go and see him and talk things all over. If you feel up to it, maybe even say to his face that you don't want to accept his money. If you are uncomfortable with receiving his money, then you don't have to take it. I assume that he knows you're not cashing the cheques? It might be good for him to have some kind of reason for this. You could talk to him over the phone if you wanted to instead, but it sounds like you would like to see your dad in person. Again, I don't know the situation, but if you feel that this would be unsafe for you to do, then don't do it.

I know your dad has been a torment to you and you've felt you needed to take it out on yourself, but I just want to let you know that your dad isn't the one who matters here- it's you. You need to feel good about yourself. Like you said, you've been getting good marks in school and you've overcome some phases and those are huge things to be proud of. You're a smart girl and you sound very independent, you just need to break that bad connection with your dad. You can either patch it up or break off completely. I'm sure you'll do what you think is right for you.

I'm very proud of how strong you've been.
If you ever want to talk, please send me a PM.

Nat.
Hey Nat. Thanks for replying.

The thing is, my dad didn't leave, my mom did. (It wasn't a spur of the moment runaway thing. They told us they were getting a divorce and mom stayed around for a long time before leaving.) I wanted to be with mom. My older brother stayed because he didn't want to uproot his life; he only had a couple years left in high school. My sister was completely against the divorce and she still thinks mom abandoned her, and she seems to be enjoying her status as dad's favorite.

I don't want to see my dad again for a lot of reasons:
1. My stepmother has a very tight hold on him. I've seen the way he hangs on her every word, and how he can't function when she's around. It's sickening.
2. He hurt my brother, which is something I can't forgive. After my stepmom moved in, she changed my brother's room into a guest room, and made him move into the basement. He stayed there until he graduated high school and joined the Marines. Dad didn't even show up for his boot camp graduation.
3. He technically kidnapped me for a few months. I was still very young and didn't know what was going on. I went to visit for Christmas break and when it was time for me to go home he told me that he had me enrolled in school, and that I was staying with him. I later found out that when my mom came to bring me back home, he sent me to stay at his then-girlfriend's (now his wife) apartment.
4. He has never visited me at my home. He complains that it's because of the cost of plane tickets, even though he has paid for my plane tickets and it's more expensive because I am underage. Then he thinks that the reason I look depressed is because of how I've been living, but it's only because I am uncomfortable at his house.
The list could go on and on from here, but I think you get the idea.

With my dad if it's out of sight, it's out of mind. So, if I simply don't cash his checks but it's not blatantly obvious, he'll ignore it. Sending gift cards back would put the issue in his face, and then he'd just get mad at me.

It wouldn't be unsafe for me to visit my dad, but I think it would be counterproductive and painful. If I go to visit him with no other reason than to just talk to him, he'll think that I'm agreeing with his point of view. And if I give him a phone call or send him a letter, his wife will be there to tell him what to think and what to say. The one time I tried to send him a card with my school picture and just to tell him about my life, she found a way to use it against me. She said that by addressing it only to him and not to her, that I was being disrespectful.

That reminds me, she did the same thing to my brother. She sent him a letter when he was in boot camp, telling him that she thought he was completely disrespectful and that she was basically writing him out of her life, and by extension, out of dad's life. When she can't control someone, she finds a way to shut them out.

Maybe if he calls me or asks me to visit, then I'll talk to him. But I'm afraid that if I go to him first, she'll be in his ear, telling him that I'm crawling back.

I want to keep the door open to my dad. If he wants to talk to me, I don't want him to feel like he can't. He's my dad, I can't just shut him out. Even if that means I'll get hurt again.


"How dare I? Because it is the truth." -Jane Eyre

"You do what you love, and f#%* the rest." -Little Miss Sunshine
   
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