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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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stephisticated Offline
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18 with the freedom of a 12 year old - February 10th 2009, 02:35 PM



i really don't feel like i belong in my family at all. we have nothing whatsoever in common and lately i've been going out as much as possible just to get away from it, i hate being home. i'm so much happier away from it almost of my family is very religious and i'm basically the only one who isn't. i have no problem with religion, but i have my reasons why i'm not, i respect their views and i feel i should get the same respect but i don't at all. they're constantly trying to convert me and talk badly about me like i'm not around. i try my best to ignore it though. another thing is, they're really over protective and i'm 18 years old. i'm not allowed to go to any concerts (which music is a big part of my life, i'd LOVE to go), i'm not allowed to take the bus and they HAVE to drive me where i want to go or i can't go (i'm in the process of getting my g2, but it keeps getting postponed especially because of bad weather and they'd never let me drive their car anyway), etc. everything is crazy and outrageous to them. they won't even let me walk to the corner store in broad daylight.



my older sister lives here with her kids and basically they're the focus on this house. i stay downstairs all day when i'm home and try to get away from them. they always have something negative to say to me vs. positive. when i graduated highschool and got great marks it wasn't congratulations, it was, "when are you going to get a better job?" and the economy here is horrible so it's not exactly that easy. i'm a really nice person and i have good qualities, but none of those seem to matter to them, because i'm not christian. but they just adore anything that comes out of my sisters mouth.



they're also really judgemental and i haven't even done anything that bad? i mean i'm not perfect, obviously, but i'd consider myself pretty average. they don't like the fact that i have a boyfriend of almost 4 years (that they suspect i'm having sex with, which i am now, but were very responsible about it and they have no real proof), they don't like the fact that i have a tattoo (they were very angry when i went ahead and did that, but i waited a long time, it means a lot to me and i was legal age to get it), they hate my music and treat me like i'm the spawn of satan or something.
they're also really immature and create drama like they're in the 8th grade or something. i have a facebook with nothing really bad or to hide on it but one of my aunts came across it (i stupidly forgot to set it private) and when my mom was over there she showed everything to my entire family. i have a picture i jokingly took of my boyfriend covered up to his chin in a bubble bath and you can't see anything but they were completely APPALLED. there was also one where my boyfriend was jokingly poking my boob (fully clothed) and we were making funny faces and they were also appalled at that. they also made a big deal about my religion status being set to Atheist, which they should already know but they still had to call me on it. to top it all off, they called my grandpa over him and showed him everything. so my sister informed me that they had a grand ol time gossiping about it all and i was seriously interrogated by my parents. i seriously feel violated, even though i know i have nothing to be ashamed of, but it's still very irritating. needless to say i'm setting it to private and possibly deleting it because i don't care about it much anyway.



but seriously, i'm very unhappy here. a concert i really want to go to is next thursday and i'm not allowed. my friends 24 year old sister said she'd drive and we'd all stick together, i'd report home, etc. but i'm still forbidden to go. i would love to just say i'm going somewhere else and go, because its really important to me, but it won't work, i won't be allowed out that night, they know the date. and i would just go without their permission but they would flip and probably deny me any college money they may help me with this year. i just feel so much more happy and accepted with my boyfriends family, they accept me for me and make me feel so welcome. same with my friends families as well. I want to go to this concert so bad and my friends want me to as well. I'm sick of being told no all the time and I'm sure my friends are annoyed at me never being able to go out and have a good time without getting harassed either.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 18 with the freedom of a 12 year old - February 10th 2009, 08:33 PM

Hey Steph,

I completely agree that your family has invaded your privacy, but just keep in mind that the internet isn't exactly a private thing. If you don't want a facebook page seen by anybody, then I think it's a good idea to set the status to private.

I don't really understand why your parents are so protective, even to the extent that you can't go to the corner store or ride the bus. A concert I can see to a certain extent (not that I agree with their views) because they can be dangerous- especially in a mosh.

At 18 you should be able to do these things on your own, even as a preparation for life ahead. I think you should either talk to them about the simpler things like busing or force the issue by getting a job you would have to bus to. Say you'll pay for the tickets yourself.

As for your beliefs, those are yours to keep. Forget what your family is saying and just go with what you think. You wont need to put up with it too much longer. Once you move out you can do what you like- go to concerts, ride the bus, stay out late! It may take a while to get there, but I'm sure you'll enjoy the freedom.

For now, what I'd suggest is to still try and get out of the house as much as possibly. Spend lots of time with friends and your boyfriend. It will be a lot more positive for you if you are near people that make you feel comfortable.

All the best.
Nat


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: 18 with the freedom of a 12 year old - February 11th 2009, 12:40 AM

I know exactly what it's like for you. My family is exactly the same.
They're religious, i'm not. I'm the black sheep and actually i've had my family go through my facebook and gossip about it too. It's weird how similar our situations are.

All I can tell you is what I do - just go ahead and do it.
If I want to do something then i'll do it. Yes, my family will go into rage, they'll gossip and make my life hard, but you cant let them have control over you. You're an adult.

Concerts are one of the most amazing things you will ever do while you're young. I encourage you to do whatever you have to do to get there. Maybe if you start doing what you want, when you want to do it they'll start to recognise you as being mature. On the other hand they could just look down their noses at you.
Since I started a full on, wreckless rebellion my family have backed down a little. They still gossip and look at me like i'm the scum of the earth but it's easier to do what I want now.

Just remember that you wont be in this situation forever.

If you ever need to talk to someone going through the same stuff then you can always PM me anytime. =]


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Re: 18 with the freedom of a 12 year old - February 11th 2009, 07:16 AM

hey steph.

it sounds like your family is kinda preventing your exploration of the external environment ( yeah, veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy scientific way of saying it ) but you know, as nat said, you wont have to deal with it for much longer... eventually all the freedom you crave will be yours

that said, some families we're in are actually very different from us .. as in we like stand out in some way or another. BUT THERE'S NO WAY that anyone's a black sheep because everyone has the right to be his or her own individual keep that in mind and never for once let this affect who you are. some families just want to in some way make you " more like them " but that wont be you (or US ) anymore

besides that, there's one message for you.. whatever you feel is right for you... just do it. i believe you're definitely responsible enough to take care of yourself.

in case you need anyone to support or listen to you, we're all up for it.


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