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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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natcat Offline
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He killed her. - May 28th 2010, 11:43 PM

I have NO idea where to put this - so I figured here was as good as any.

The first guy I ever had a crush on (for the most part) was charged with first degree murder a year ago. Late last month, he was sentenced to life in prison with a chance of parole after 17 years.

I took it really, really hard when I found out. I never thought he was capable of this even though he had some issues (substance abuse, anger issues, depression etc,.) but he was always so sweet and gentle to me. He was one of the people I knew I could talk to about just about anything. He had a really rough life. I don't want to justify his actions in ANY way, but I just didn't expect this =/

Why can't I hate him? I hate that he did this, it makes me sick. But regardless of that, I can't hate him. I have NO idea why. Everything seems so surreal to me - even though it happened a year ago, things should have sunken in by now.

I want to talk to him so badly. But of course, his Facebook has been disabled and such. He moved away two years ago, four of five provinces away. So I haven't seen him since, but we talked on a regular basis. His parents still live in the same province as me, but I've only met his mother once or twice. She seemed really nice, but I know they never got along, so I don't know how involved she is with him right now.

I know it sounds really dumb but I want to write him a letter. I have no idea what I would say. Is that a really bad idea? I don't even know how to get it to him. Do I just send it to the prison? Are you even allowed to do that?

I know I sound like an awful person, for not hating his guts and thinking he's a horrible being and should be killed himself .. but I can't. My mom even thinks this is awful because throwing him away like this is not going to help him solve his issues - another reason why the legal system bites.

But anyways. Is it a really bad idea to send him a letter do you think?


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Re: He killed her. - May 29th 2010, 01:21 AM

i'm actually really glad that you dont hate him. why cant you just visit the prison? I think you can send letters, but at the same time idk. If you knew the name of the prison, i'm sure they have something about rules and other stuff about the prison somewhere on the internet. However, i dont think you should send him a letter. Why do you want to? What would you say? if it was me, i'm pretty sure i wouldnt want to talk to someone who has a killed another person. that would definatly be a deal breaker for me.


" One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering. "

i wonder when i'll finally jsut start accepting myself, when i'll stop saying i wish i could be like that person.

i have facebook, and myspace. and you can ask for it. :P
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Re: He killed her. - May 29th 2010, 01:29 AM

I live like five provinces away from the prison, so commuting there is not really an option.

I don't know why I want to send him a letter. I guess to tell him I don't hate him, or something. Or to ask him why. I really don't know what I would say. We had to write a letter in my soc class to someone who impacted our life, and I wrote to him. It definitely has changed my perspective on a lot of things.

It sucks because this is not what he needs. I HATE the justice system. They have diagnosed him with... “He has an anti-social personality disorder, narcissist personality disorder and a borderline personality disorder.” and they also state that he did not plead insanity but while being evaluated he did not fully comprehend his actions. So they're going to throw him in a max security prison or 17 years and hope for the best. UGH. It makes me SO angry.


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Re: He killed her. - May 29th 2010, 02:36 AM

Aw the justice system really does blow sometimes... I'm with you there. If a person has problems, and it is clear they don't quite comprehend them, then 17 years is just too much. Get them help, don't throw them in a cell it will probably just escalate the problems. =/

But as for what to write? Well, write what is in your heart. Write what you want to know, and write what you want to tell him. Yes, you should be able to mail him a letter I believe, if not then the justice system blows even more now. Perhaps you could look up the jail he's been put into, to find out exactly what to put on it and stuff. You can either write a lot, or write close to nothing. But honestly? I think it will actually help him, knowing that someone out there is thinking of him, and not horribly. Knowing that someone out there is still willing to be well, maybe even a friend.

You're not a horrible person for this. I completely understand why you can't bring yourself to hate him.



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Re: He killed her. - May 29th 2010, 02:40 AM

You definitely CAN write him a letter. I'm not exactly sure how you'd address it, but I'm sure you can look it up somewhere. To me, writing him sounds like a good plan. Even if you don't know what to say, it will be good for you to at least jot down a little of what you're thinking, to get things off your chest.


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Re: He killed her. - May 30th 2010, 07:12 AM

If you do some digging, you should be able to figure out where to send a letter. You don't need to hate him, and frankly, I don't think you should. What he did is not directly correlated to how you two interacted, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to reach out to him.


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Re: He killed her. - May 30th 2010, 11:56 AM

He'd be in a federal prison so find out the federal prison(s) in the area he's in or if you already know the prison then there's always a department or area for messages. If you don't know where he is located and if your parents won't tell, look him up online because he's bound to be in an article. If for some odd reason he's not, then since you are in Canada, you are entitled to habeas corpus. I think if you go to a court, ask for habeas corpus on his name, they legally must comply otherwise they are violating the Charter. If it's an old place or if they don't know what habeas corpus means, then tell them magna carta for the person as in modern times, it's the same. There probably is a form for this that pretty much all provincial courts (maybe even municipal courts) or perhaps city hall has.

When you write to him, if it's by paper then it will be checked before he gets it so just remember that when considering the content of the letter.

As for not hating him, you explained why already: you were in a relationship with him and despite knowing he had some mental illnesses, you overlooked them for the sake of continuing to be with him because he is what mattered to you, not his disorders. Every part of your body may want to hate him but when you recall your experiences with him, they likely were good and not bad so the memories override the will to hate him.
   
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Re: He killed her. - June 1st 2010, 11:16 PM

Well, here is what i say, you know him better than I do but before you send the letter just be sure that its ok, cause its just better to be cautious, especially if he went so far as to hurt someone. Do you know why he hurt that girl ?


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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