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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
G.Croftwell Offline
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Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - May 31st 2010, 08:03 AM

Before I begin this little rant I guess I should mention that I've never really had that great of a relationship with my mom and it only recently has gotten out of control. It's not that I hate her, I don't (I think), but she certainly believes in NOT being in the 'friend' relationship that I see with quite a few parents and children.
Now then, where to start? Well, like all these little teenage sob stories (I'm fifteen) I'll start out from when a girl that I got along with quite well and liked as more than a friend began talking a lot. (Although I understand that in all likelihood this is just puppy love...it sure is dang hard to convince myself of that while talking with her.)
So, I talked to this girl more and more, and I AM homeschooled so perhaps I got a little out of control with talking with her. Certainly she became a distraction to my work which ultimately affected me (lack of sleep haha) as I have to balance community college classes and high school work along with my other activities. My mom noted this and voiced her complaints, but like the little lovesick puppy I was/am I ignored her cryptic foretellings of the girl manipulating me etc.
Of course, the girl at some point DID seem to be manipulating me (although she's clever about it if she is so it's not for sure) and my mother and I got into a rather large scale argument about the whole thing which eventually ended with my mother sending a foul text to the girl.
Hey, it wasn't like I was going to physically fight back and stop her.
Some thoughts about that incident: I sorta brought it on myself, and I understand that I can be an idiot and stubborn when it comes to these situations. I just can't let the darn conversation end with me as the 'loser' even though there never really is a winner.
For those wondering where my father is in all this: he works away from the family and was not there for that incident.
Now the fact that she sent the text did not bother me as much as the mental berating that followed. My mother certainly has a way with words, but when she starts things like "You should have never been born" or "You're just an ingrate" I can understand that it's frustrating for her, but as some point things get out of hand.
Such as about an hour ago. After I had gone through some mild (...ok...pretty bad) depression over this girl (who apparently fell for someone else?) and had not spoken to her in about a week, I started a conversation and she responded. This put me in a good mood and my mother noticed it at the dinner table and began inquiring what happened.
Of course, at some point she said that involving myself with this girl will only lead to depression to which I stupidly pointed out that my depression was caused by the silence and that silence started after the text my mother had sent so she was put on the defensive (oh if I could go back in time...) and we began to argue once more. I argued that she had judged this girl early on and we didn't know if she really had been manipulating me, while she argued that the girl was a sl*t and would get pregnant early. This escalated to her saying I was an ingrate and that I was a disappointment as a son, I was useless etc. She then threw a fork at me. I realized at this point that I had overstepped my boundaries (I had mouthed back during the arguing in a mocking tone and was quite disrespectful) and tried to do some furious backtracking by dropping the subject but she continued to pursue what the girl and I had talked about and wouldn't accept the truth (meaningless small talk) as an answer. My father had been present during the majority of the incident (up until the fork throwing when he had stormed upstairs to grab my phone under her orders) and came down just as I asked if what she really wanted to hear was that we had confessed an undying love for each other and also asked what I could answer that wouldn't result in her throwing a fork at me. She responded by picking up a spoon and throwing at me. Keep in mind that these are not light spoons and forks, they are not heavy, but are certainly sturdy metal silverware. I lost total control and yelled back something that I'm completely embarrassed about but it must be said. I basically yelled that I'd kill her. I understand that it was a stupid, childish and downright effed up thing to say but I was very ticked off. (And this is rather difficult to keep pg-13 haha)
Of course, my father had to step in at that point, called me a little *censored* and sent me to my room where he later scolded me in harsh terms for how much of an idiot I am.
By this point in time, my mother has my phone saying that she will call up the girl and say whatever she wants, told me that I am not living in her house any more, that I was a mistake, useless and that I should leave. And when my father said that she was overreacting she told him to leave and sleep with me as well. (not exactly sure what she meant by sleep with me...)
Now, how do I approach the situation? The last time I tried to apologize to my mom she said she didn't need it and I had to send an email to assure that she at least received my apology. (I thought maybe it was a pride thing when I asked her face to face) She told me she didn't my stupid email either.
So, how do I approach this whole thing?
I know that I was disrespectful, but I also know that when I have to ask myself whether I love my parents, or if I would really care if they suddenly passed away, something is not working.
Am I just acting like a normal snot-nosed punk?

oh and btw. If you actually made it this far and read through all that. You're pretty awesome.

Last edited by G.Croftwell; May 31st 2010 at 08:08 AM.
   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 1st 2010, 05:40 AM

Welcome to TeenHelp! =) I'm so glad that you decided to join our community, and hope that you'll stick around.

No matter how disrespectful you were, that doesn't give your mother the right to physically assault you. While it's true that she didn't start stabbing you with the fork, it's still not acceptable behavior on her part. Please don't believe, even for a SECOND, that ANY parent should have the right to do that to their child.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure what you can do in a situation like this. It sounds like your mother is mentally unstable, and your father is too weak of a man to come to your defense (when she told him to sleep with you, I think she meant that he could sleep in YOUR bedroom, vs. in THEIR bedroom for the night... essentially, no sex for you). You could contact CPS (Child Protective Services)... but given how many cases they have to deal with, most being much more grave than yours, I doubt they would really do anything.

I would suggest thinking about what leads to these escalations during your arguments. You're always going to argue with your mother about things... girls, schoolwork, jobs, the future... that's just part of being a teenager, and it can't be avoided. What you CAN avoid, however, is an escalation. What have you said or done in the past that has led to your mother's reacting in such a manner. What has SHE said or done that has caused you to be snotty in return Try to find ways to stop yourself, mid-sentence, before an argument can escalate.

Try new tactics as well, like apologizing and immediately leaving the room, or asking her to clarify what exactly she would like for you to do. Maybe she's just of the mindset that you'll never listen to her, and that she has to beat some sense into you. If you can demonstrate that you are willing to listen and discuss things calmly, without talking back or brushing off what she's saying, she may slowly change the way she communicates with you during arguments.

I wish you the very best of luck. <3 Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about this or anything else!





   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 1st 2010, 08:13 AM

Thanks for responding! It's certainly a nice change from the yahoo answer responses I've gotten "im not going to readz all tha!!!!!1111"

Now then, I need to rant again (haha) so here I go:
First I should probably clear up that I'm actually homeschooled and really the only 'kids' I talk to are ones at the community college I take music classes from. So when you say that I shouldn't believe for a second that any parents have the right to physically hit a child I actually don't have much experience about what other kids have gone through. To tell the truth, if my parents saw such a comment (when I was younger I tried to reason with my father) they would laugh it off as the 'pansy attitude of our new society.' So I've been raised and told for the last 15 years that I don't have the right to complain about their parenting because I'm their son and whether I like it or not, I rely on them to survive. I'll definitely look into the CPS (just to see if I really have a right to even think about calling) but for now I can't even fathom rebelling against them to that extent. Still, I'll look into it.

I think I should clarify some things about my father. He actually isn't here for the really bad punishments as he drives up to his work early Tuesday mornings and stays up in that area until Friday nights where he returns. So really, all he witnesses of my mother and my relationship is what happens Saturdays through Mondays and then he hears her accounts of the stories. I always end up sounding very immature in her versions of the stories but I don't really speak up because of how bad I feel. (She usually tells these stories while crying or teary eyed etc.) My father says that he knows how she is and that I just need to learn when to stop things escalating.
Which brings me to the escalation point. I definitely agree with you and my father, but to tell the truth I'm not really sure if knowing to stop the escalations really helps. If all the incidents were like the one yesterday where I begin mouthing back (the recurring theme for the mouthing back seems to be that girl...perhaps it IS best to cut ties...) I can understand why she gets herself worked up and the ugliness appears. Usually it's a very sudden change in attitude. She'll be perfectly fine (acting?) before going ballistic.
Apologizing right away has always been interpreted as me just backing down and not meaning it even if I do and asking what she would rather have me say leads to her getting REALLY furious.
It seems to me (and although I like to think myself a logical guy but hey...I plan to be a pianist and it seems like we're not the most logical bunch with our emotional/mental breakdowns all the time) that it's a no win situation for me.
Any conversation I start for her seems to have a point that she finds a way to butt heads. If I switch sides and agree with her she gets angry and thinks that I don't take her seriously. If I try to argue without getting angry she thinks that I'm mocking her. If I DO get angry than she'll get physical (...that sounds a lot worse than it really is...) and if I try to leave that argument or leave the room she goes ballistic about me not respecting her.
At this point, I'm just hoping she doesn't follow through with what she told me today when we were in the house alone. In summary, while my dad is around, she will cook for him and the family and I'll be allowed to eat. Other than that, I'm on my own. She will not cook, drive, pay for lessons or do anything more than a landlady would do. I'm essentially disowned as her son and she says that when I'm older and begin earning money I'll need to pay her back for all the sacrificing she did for my worthless *ss.
Not to sound selfish, but I need to try my best to avoid this because I plan to go into classical piano and if I can't get driven to lessons or be able to pay then that career is sort of shot and not to beat myself down, but I'm not really that great at anything else. So at this point, I think that repairing or trying to change the relationship we have is shot and I'm just going to need to think of myself for now.
Still, as I said, I like to think that I'm logical and have covered all possibilities but I could definitely be clouded by emotion.
Anyways, thanks very much for the response! And even though it probably sounds like I'm just making things up it really does help to have someone respond seriously.
At least if I need to rant again I'll know who to bug. (You probably should have never added the 'Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about this or anything else!')
   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 1st 2010, 08:44 AM

Oh boy, Yahoo! Answers... well then, I'm definitely glad you found TeenHelp! xD

I was afraid that your being home-schooled may have resulted in a skewed version of what's "normal" in a parent-child relationship. I've seen it happen with other people in the past... they spend all of their time focusing on academics or extracurricular activities, and are relatively isolated from other teenagers. While that can be a good thing in some cases (you've obviously developed a phenomenal talent for playing the piano), it can also lead to sticky situations like this. When you have authoritarian parents, that just makes the situation even worse.

I can understand why you would want to just let things go for now, because it's not worth screwing up your chances of turning your musical gift into a career. Better to lay low and not try to change the family dynamics for a while, when your piano lessons are at risk. Still, you're fifteen years old, so playing the waiting game for three years could be... draining, to say the least. Ranting can only get you so far. It's a temporary release of the emotions, but it doesn't offer a permanent solution to any of your problems.

I'm glad to hear that you've been doing research on CPS. It shows that you're willing to look into all of your available options, even if they're not options you're crazy about. I'd like to encourage you to keep doing research on a variety of things: what it takes to become a professional pianist, what it takes to live independently, what it takes to become emancipated, etc. Anything you can think of, anything that you would be willing to consider at some point in your life (both before and after you are 18 years old)... learn all that you can about it!

Your mother may be able to control many aspects of your life, but there is one thing she CAN'T control: your future. Ultimately, YOU have the power to decide what you will do with the rest of your life. You mentioned that she wants you to pay her back for all she's done in order to raise you... well, guess what? If you don't want to do that, you don't HAVE to. The moment you turn 18, you will no longer be legally bound to her authoritarian style of parenting. Again, I know that seems like a long way off... but please know that it's true, and that you can make it. =) You said you don't really have any other talents, aside from playing the piano. Well, I just met you today, but I can already see that you have many other talents. You're far more mature and level-headed than the average 15-year-old boy. You're smart and driven to succeed. You're strong... think of all you've endured in your lifetime, and take comfort in the knowledge that you will continue to have that strength in the years to come.

I didn't mean for my response to be *quite* this long. xD So I apologize for the wall of text. I'll just wrap this up by saying that I honestly meant what I said previously: you're welcomed to PM me anytime, about anything. I'm not saying that just because I'm a staff member... I'm saying that because I care. I may not have been in the exact same situation as you, but I'm still willing to listen and offer whatever advice comes to mind. =)






Last edited by PSY; June 1st 2010 at 09:00 AM.
   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 1st 2010, 09:10 AM

Thanks once again!
Really I prefer the 'wall of text' to something like: "Well good luck with that, kid."
I'll definitely try to follow your advice on investigating things (although to tell the truth...I've gone emo enough in the past that I've had plenty of time to research independent living already. haha. Well...it's always good to know more.)
3 years. Pshaw...child's play! it's only...1/5 of my current lifetime. (oh crud.)
For now I shall creep around these forums...and look for fellow males. (where ARE they? You can't tell me I was the only guy to break down and post...>.>)
Thanks again!

Last edited by G.Croftwell; June 1st 2010 at 09:41 AM.
   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 1st 2010, 04:18 PM

Hi! I'm new too but I think I might be able to help you...

I have a mum that is a LITTLE bit similar to yours. By this I mean that when I was 15 we had many, many arguments (I'm a girl, so... screaming matches) that always ended in me trying to apologise and my mum refusing to believe that I was genuine... sound familiar?

At 15, there's only really a few options out there for you. I definitely wouldn't recommend you try moving out- I tried at 16 and my entire family, including extended relatives, condemned me for it, plus it's about 50 times harder than you imagine, even with all the research. Looking back, it was a BAD idea. Unless you feel like your life is in danger, don't move out.

The best option is... grovel. Throw away that teenage pride. This is your mother, and at 18 you never have to see her again, but for now you must try to make this house as peaceful as possible. Buy flowers, write letters (handwritten, not emails), agree with whatever she says, DON'T talk to that girl (she's not doing you any good anyway), give her no reason to throw a fork at you and suddenly you'll find that life is easier. Trust me.

I recently made the startling discovery that my mother is the only person able to make me angry within 15 seconds when she is over 15000 miles away! Some relationships are like that. But after questioning, like you, whether or not I love my mother, I can now say that I most definitely do. So stick it out, because it gets better.

PM me whenever you like

EDIT: You'll find many of the guys posts in the relationship forums... I wonder why
   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 2nd 2010, 04:35 AM

"DON'T talk to that girl (she's not doing you any good anyway)"
Looks like I'll be joining the other guys in the relationship forum. haha

On another note, thanks for the advice! As of now she seems to be acting as if nothing ever happened (although she hasn't really talked to me) and I'm hoping this is the start of things winding back to normal. Maybe then I can try to ease things out.
   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 2nd 2010, 04:45 AM

Hey there, I always found it best whilst my mother was having screaming rages, to just calmly say, if your going to scream, shout, belittle or what ever, then sorry but I'm not going to listen. Talk to me like an adult then I'll listen and respect you more.


May work it may not lol, just depends on the person I think.





   
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Re: Suggestions? [LONG RANT] - June 2nd 2010, 10:16 AM

Thanks for replying!
As much as I'd like to say that could work for my case...based on prior experience...that would only make her angrier. haha
   
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