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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Chasm Offline
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Urgent: A girl or your best friend? - June 11th 2010, 07:12 AM

My best friend is one of the greatest and fortunate people in the world. He's smart, talented, good looking- he basically has everything a guy could ask for. However, he recently started making some decisions that I consider to be immoral and just plain wrong. He likes this girl, really really likes her and she likes him back. It seems they will be dating in the near future. It is not the aspect of dating that bothers me.
One of his close friends (a girl), has liked him for a long time and he is aware of this. One of MY close friends likes the same girl that he likes and wants to date. Yet, despite all this he decided to go after this girl. To me, this is just wrong. He is hurting HIS friend, hurting MY friend (which shouldn't really matter to him), but worst of all, its hurting ME. It is really painful to see one of the greatest people (kind, caring, polite, respectful, talented, etc) I know, knowingly harm others in order to become "happy". That's what he keeps calling it: he wants to be "happy". And I truly understand that, and I want him to be happy has well. But it is really hard for me to stay close with a person who is hurting all these people around him for his own selfish reasons. I also don't think he will be truly happy in that relationship. And I just cannot handle the kind of backstabbing he went through to get this girl. So it has basically come down to this: he dates the girl, it'll be impossible for us to stay friends. OR he stays friends with that girl, not date, and I still see him as my best friend.
This situation has been ongoing for a couple weeks now. He and I have had several discussions about the problem and he is just not willing see what he is doing is wrong. He hasn't had that much experience with girls and had a very easy upbringing. With those two combined, I think his inexperience is making him blind with "love" and his upbringing causes him to be unwilling to make a choice and sacrifice. He even asked me during one of our discussion "why can't I have both of you guys? I don't want to make a decision, I want both." And during our last discussion he got very... childish and whiny is the best way I can put it, and said he'd be happier without me and with this girl. But I really don't think that's true and the situation just got the better of him.
However, this whole thing has really got me thinking. Am I doing the right thing here. I really don't think I'm making him make choice... it's more what I believe a person should be like (especially my best friend) and because of that he has to make a choice.
Am I doing something wrong here? I really am hoping I am doing the right thing and being the better friend. I even told him, if he ever realizes he's been doing the wrong thing and still wants us to be best friends I will be there for him. I really care about him and our friendship. He's one of the best people I know, he just isn't making good decisions right now. It's really painful watching everything that's happening. So my question to you guys is this: Am I doing the right thing? Am I being a good friend by making him make a right decision or should I just blindly be supporting him as he pursues this girl? I am having probably the last "talk" with him about this tomorrow and if things don't go well I guess that's the end.

There also is a lot more to our friendship that we've been having problems with, but that can be saved for another day. Posting about those problems would be near overwhelming.

Also, I apologize if this post is unorganized and unclear. It typed it fast, seeing I have limited time.
   
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Re: Urgent: A girl or your best friend? - June 11th 2010, 07:33 AM

I would say that if the girl shows interest for only your best friend and your friend also shows interest for the girl, there's nothing you can really do there unfortunately. Maybe you can convince the other friend to talk to the girl before she gets into a relationship with the best friend. But other than that, there's nothing you can really do but wait it out.

Also, talk to your friend about how his behavior is bothering you as well. Depending on what he says or does, you might have to make a difficult decision as to whether to stay friends with this guy.

Hopefully, this helps you out some.


"People simply disappeared, always during the night. Your name was removed from the registers, every record of everything you had ever done was wiped out, your one-time existence was denied and then forgotten. You were abolished, annihilated: vaporized was the usual word."

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Re: Urgent: A girl or your best friend? - June 11th 2010, 09:04 AM

I'm not really sure why you think that it is immoral for him to be with this girl who he likes. It doesn't really sound like he is doing anything wrong at all and it doesn't sound like he should have to choose between his friends and her.

You think that he is doing the wrong thing because one of his friends likes him? As noble as that is, it is also a little bit silly. He obviously doesn't care about her as anything more than a friend. So should he just not pursue anyone he likes to save her feelings? That's not really fair on him. In the same way that not pursuing her because someone else likes her isn't fair either. If this girl likes him more than she likes your friend, why shouldn't they be together?

The fact is that people get hurt when love is involved. From the sounds of things, your friend isn't doing this with the purpose to hurt people. That is just an unfortunate side-effect. Can you imagine if you were in the same position as him? If you really loved someone, would you not be with them just because someone else had a crush on you? I've been with my boyfriend for more than two years, and I certainly wouldn't leave him just because someone else had a crush on me or someone else had a crush on him.

I'll admit that I don't know the full story and maybe I've misunderstood some of your post. Can you explain what you mean by him "backstabbing" people? Did he lie/cheat to pursue this girl? Is this girl not very nice? Or is it really just that other people have feelings for him/her?

Based on what I've understood from what you've said, no, I don't think you are doing the right thing. I can understand why you think it's right because it must be hard for you to see your friends get hurt. And I can see why you want to find a solution to make everyone happy. It's really sweet of you. But if you tell him that he shouldn't be with this girl, that's not going to make him happy, it's not going to make her happy, and it's not going to make your friend or his friend happy. Basically, everyone loses. At least if he and her start dating, they are happy, and your friends can move on and find someone else who is right for them.



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Re: Urgent: A girl or your best friend? - June 11th 2010, 12:17 PM

I'm finding it a little hard to see what the problem is. I mean, he likes this girl and she likes him. And they'd both be happy together. It's not his fault that your friend or his friend likes him or the girl he likes, and there's very little he can really do about it.

Let's just say he does decide not to go out with her to keep his friends happy. What then? This friend of his likes him and your friend likes the girl. They aren't going to be happy unless they go out with them....but since they don't love them and wanted to be with someone else, not happening and now two other people are miserable. So technically no one should go out with anyone to respect their friends and now everyone is miserable? See what I'm getting at? ^^

I think your close friend and this guys friend need to put their personal feelings aside and wish them both the best. If you force your friend to break up and stay friends with someone he loves to make you happy, you're honestly being a poor friend to him.


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Re: Urgent: A girl or your best friend? - June 11th 2010, 05:50 PM

If he doesn't like the girl that likes him thats not his fault, stop being so contrling, its his life , not yours
   
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Re: Urgent: A girl or your best friend? - June 13th 2010, 05:50 PM

Hi. I would very much like to help with this, if I can, but seeing as I'm two days late, could you update us first? I hope things went alright and there's still hope for your friendship, but do put yourself into his shoes and try to consider things from his angle as well. I know you're sceptical about their chances (you put "love" and "happy" in inverted commas) but consider that you don't know the extent of their feelings.

Hope I can still help. If there's any point, I'll give a proper reply to this.
r&r


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Re: Urgent: A girl or your best friend? - June 16th 2010, 01:20 AM

Let him have a go, he isn't doing anything wrong because he also wants a chance at having a girl. The girl will choose between the guys. If its A then it will be A, if it is B then it will be boy B. But it doesn't seem that blocking him is right, it just doesn't right.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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