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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ocean*girl Offline
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Angry My parents - June 11th 2010, 04:47 PM

My dad has always had a temper. He yells about little things. I always figured he loves me and has some problems from his childhood. Last night, he got drunk and threw a fit, yelling that my mom's career is more important than him and me. (I've occasionally said this myself, but when you're angry, you say things you don't mean). He told my mom to get out and that I should go with her. Today, they've agreed to work it out and mom says she'll do better. Sorry, but that's not what I want. He rants about what he puts up with,but we never talk about what we put up with, his messiness, his ranting about EVERYTHING, and all the crap we put up with. He CANNOT see the real world. he has a fantasy world where he lives, where he's right no matter what. This is the guy who when his teenage daughter gets annoyed with him throws a fit. He is SO insecure. I think this started in his childhood. he doesn't like his family and he was always the second son, never as good as his older brother. Whatever he gets mad about is something he perceives as a slight. Like last night. My mom came home from a trip and we spent some time together. He was drinking (He sometimes does. He'll be off of it for a while, then drink some. Not like he's always drunk. He'll get drunk sometimes at night. I honestly don't think he's addicted because he quit for a long time when I was little. he also says he's quitting after last night) Anyway, the phone rang (it was 6:00 pm. My mom works from home) and I picked it up and handed it to her. Then he gets mad later that night because supposedly that phone call was the straw that broke the camel's back. This is form the guy who goes on and on about her great job. Then he starts saying that I feel the same way. I denied it. Sometimes I do get upset when she can't help me with my school (I'm home-schooled) but I know that we come first. She left on a trip today and we're on speaking terms (they reached an agreement this morning while I was asleep. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I know what will happen: my mom will try to change and he will find something else to be mad about. I think I'll just keep to myself for a while. I even said that after what happened, it can't just be OK. I really have a lot of hurt from this. I don't know what to do. Please don't say talk to him. I've tried. He lives in a fantasy world and I can't get him out of it. Any advice on how to deal with this would be apperciated. I'm planning on leaving when I'm 18 but till then I have to stay sane. -Ocean EDIT: The forum screwed up the paragraphs, sorry if it's hard to read.

Last edited by ocean*girl; June 11th 2010 at 08:15 PM.
   
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Re: My parents - June 12th 2010, 02:30 AM

I'm sorry to hear you have to put up with this. You should talk to your mom about getting him into a therapist, because it sounds like he's very insecure and has alot of issues he hasn't worked out, and perhaps a therapist could assist him. I think saving up some money and moving out at 18 would be a good idea for you. You wouldn't have to put up with this that way, you could be on your own and away from all this tension and stress. I know they are your family and you care about them, but sometimes you even need distance from your family.
   
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Re: My parents - June 12th 2010, 02:24 PM

He doesn't believe in therapy so that's out. I'm planning on moving out, I'm going to get a job next year but I have 4 more years till I can leave.
   
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Re: My parents - June 14th 2010, 12:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ocean*girl View Post
He doesn't believe in therapy so that's out. I'm planning on moving out, I'm going to get a job next year but I have 4 more years till I can leave.
Yes, I also believe that you should live there till you can leave. Its your responsibilities and you should help your mom as well as give sympathy to her. You should give courage to your mom as well as you dad also. As i think now you are the person who can to both of them. You should handle to your parents.
   
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Re: My parents - June 16th 2010, 01:34 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ocean*girl View Post
My dad has always had a temper. He yells about little things. I always figured he loves me and has some problems from his childhood. ...... he got drunk and threw a fit, yelling that my mom's career is more important than him and me. ............. This is the guy who when his teenage daughter gets annoyed with him throws a fit. He is SO insecure. I think this started in his childhood. he doesn't like his family and he was always the second son, never as good as his older brother. .........
Do you notice something here ? Its about being second to someone you love but its as if they don't notice it. If what you say is true, then consider this :
your father had to put up with years of being second. Now i have felt that before and it doesn't feel good at all. So when you go through it for years and years especially when you are a kid, it makes things worse and it really pains/grieves the heart.

Now your dad is a dad, has a wife and daughter. And he feels he is coming in second to the one person who is special to him, it's painful even thinking about it. So try and understand that this thing your dad is going through may not be just a light thing, it seems to be a really painful and tough thing to go through.

NB : By the way, it seems that your dad loves you greatly. You know why ? Cause whenever you are angry at him, he gets angry too !! To me its a classic sign of pure love, of someone who is putting you first because he wants to. It seems he can't bare you being angry at him even for a second. What am I saying here ? Your dad's love is bigger than you think, you may not see it, but this very tendency shows it.

NB 2 : Because of your dad's love for you, then a heart to heart from you and your mom will definitely go a long way. Especially if he has such a bond to you.

NB 3 : I have also ever underestimated the love a relative has for me, and it pained me that i didn't realize it, and one day you will realize and trust me you will understand.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: My parents - June 18th 2010, 04:00 PM

Jacksonion...you have a point....how is this going to quit? Will he ALWAYS be fighting for first place? My mom and I try to make him feel good about himself, act like we like his stupid political satire, say how great he is.....they've been married like 17 years...shouldn't it have helped?
I'm just so angry. I'm angry with my mom for still loving him, angry with myself for loving him and trying to please him when I was a little kid, angry with him for being who he is. I just had a huge flare-up in the car with my mom, yelling and screaming at her. I don't know how to process this. I hear him yelling in my head all the time.
It's not even the yelling so much as the constant stream of critisim. He freaked out because I almost hit him with a mop. I could clean the entire house, make awesome food, do insanely well in school, practice piano all day, leave the dance school he hates, and he would STILL find something to complain about. No matter what i do, he's always angry. I don't want to be angry like him. But I do have his trait of explosive temper. I want to get rid of it. I want to get rid of everything I have that's anything like him. I am so angry and I don't know how to stop it.
   
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Re: My parents - June 18th 2010, 07:36 PM

Then a constant patient approach i needed. A heart to heart is the best thing. But it isn't the one you just go and start talking. First of all, try and just spend some time with him, just five minutes, make some jokes. And do it when you can over time. Why ? So that you can get close and close to him, slowly. But you can try and just mention it to him, like this :

you -> Hey dad, hi there ?

him -> (whatever he will say).

you -> crack a joke.....

him -> response or silence ..

you -> say dad, I want to talk to you about something.

him -> (if he does say something)

you -> there is something that hurts me, why do you get angry all the time, cause it hurts me that it has been happening over the years, can we just talk about it, just you and me ?

him -> (whatever he says)

Well, this is a sample, but you can try it out word for word and see how it goes and if it doesn't then you can come back then we can figure out what next.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: My parents - June 22nd 2010, 05:38 PM

OK so we were outside cleaning up a wood pile and he randomly apologizes...like "I was right to be mad but I shouldn't have yelled and I didn't mean it." Which, for him is pretty good.
   
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Re: My parents - June 23rd 2010, 02:19 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ocean*girl View Post
OK so we were outside cleaning up a wood pile and he randomly apologizes...like "I was right to be mad but I shouldn't have yelled and I didn't mean it." Which, for him is pretty good.
You see, your dad loves you, sometimes its just hard for us guys to show the "mushy" side. Even when I apologize, sometimes its "not easy" cause i then begin to feel all mushy and lovey dovey inside. So as for you, congratulations, so keep the love going.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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