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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
carry on Offline
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moving on. - June 26th 2010, 04:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I want you to think about your best friend - the person you trust with everything. Your secrets, your heart, your life. The person who helped you through some of the hardest moments you've faced, the person who inspired you to want to stay alive and away from pills and blades and all those other self-destructive coping methods. I want you to think about that person, who means the world to you. Who makes you feel safe when no one and nothing else does, who you love.

What happens when that person moves on? When their unconditional love fades and you're left with this.. hollow friendship that's only existing because you're unable to let go and accept that forever wasn't as long as you thought it was. That maybe 'forever' doesn't even exist. How are you supposed to react when your everything doesn't even want to try and fix your broken friendship.. when every sign points towards it being over, but you can't move on. Your brain is in the present but your heart's stuck in the past, in the late night skype conversations that kept you from triggering and the moments that made you feel safer than anything.



Everyone tells me to move on - not to put my energy into something when the other person isn't willing to do the same. I wish it was that simple. When you love someone, how do you just.. let go. No matter what that friend feels, whether or not they've moved on.. see, I made a lot of promises to her. Some I couldn't keep, some I refuse to break. One of those promises, was that I'd never leave. That I'd be there whether she wanted me or not. That I would never stop loving her. I don't want to break those promises - but how do I keep them when she has no interest in our friendship.

How do you just.. let go?

I'm trying to keep myself in the present. To focus on my life and the people in it. The people who are here, physically here - like my guy, who's trying to love me, except I have to keep pushing him away because I'm terrified to let myself be this vulnerable again. I'm terrified to trust and I'm terrified to let myself feel safe in his arms, when it was always supposed to be my best friend who made me feel that safe. Nothing was ever supposed to turn out this way.. but it did. Everything is just, falling apart. And I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do with myself.
   
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Re: moving on. - June 26th 2010, 05:18 PM

something similar to that happened to me... twice.

i got rid of my last best friend, and got a new best friend.
my new best friends name is madisen. i thought i could like NOT live without her. we were just SOOO similar. i felt like she was my long lost twin. we practically liked the things, we got what each other was thinking. she stopped me from killing and harming myself more times than i want to admit. she promised me sooo many times that she would NEVER leave me, that i would always have her to count on. i wanted her to be that ONE friend that im going to be friends with forever, that i hold on to through high school and college and marriage and family. keep in mind she had a boyfriend, but it was a long distance relationship. besides having a loving family, an amazing best friend, i want love also. who doesn't want that? so i ended up getting a boyfriend... i asked her over and over again if it was going to be okay because i care about her frienship more than a stupid boy. she said it was fine.. so i went on with it. she stopped talking to me within that first week i got with him. so i broke up with him in hope that we would be friends again... we didn't become friends. i found out that she was JEALOUS of me. you look at us today, we're still not friends.... but... she broke up with her long distance boyfriend and got with my ex boyfriend! the guy that tore us apart! so practically everyday i get to watch them make out from afar! yay me...

so after the whole madisen thing, i reconected with my old best friend that i didn't really talk to much because we didnt have any classes. to make a long story short... she started liking a guy, but he ended up leading her on. she just changed after that... she was cussing and mad all the time (she never cussed she gave me hell for my slight cussing). she told me she would never forgive him, never be friends with him, and never ever become friends with him on myspace. so i tried to fix it, she seemed so much happier when she was talking to the guy she liked, so i told the guy why she hated him. well.. the guy told her, and she got angry at me... but then forgave me. that same day she forgave me, she comes out of her last class and im there waiting for her and she yells at me 'i cant believe you said that!' i had NOOO idea what so ever she was talking about i didn't tell him anything! she wouldn't tell me what he said. well, we still aren't talking... but now, shes practically best friends with the guy, she talks to him, shes friends with him on myspace... everything that she once said was forgotten.

after those two experiences you wouldn't believe the amount of times i heard people tell me to 'be the bigger person... talk to them' i didn't talk to them, why should i? they're happier now without me, they have the guys... they have the friends. i view it as im being the bigger person by letting go instead of making me and them miserable. i was lost for the longest time after both of them, i still am... but i found new friends to hang out with... and slowly erase the dreams of how they would be my best friends forever. you really just have to find something else to capture your intrest or attention. start hanging out with different people that help you take your old best friend off your mind. also, talk to people about how you're feeling (maybe your old best friend if you want to tell her how you feel about this) or just people on TH. we're all here for you.

sorry for making this SUPER long !

p.s. if you need someone to talk to or just need a friend to help take your mind off of things... im here :]
   
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Re: moving on. - June 26th 2010, 07:41 PM

Hey I feel your pain.
It's a really hard proccess.
Honestly its one of the worst heartbreaks.
One way to get over it better is to 1. Confront the friend you having problems with, find out if they really do feel that way?
If they do then I"ll tell give you more suited advice, right now its too general for me.
I hope that helps.
   
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Re: moving on. - June 27th 2010, 07:48 AM

alright.. now you've already been given a real good bit of support there, but i have one little thought to add. (actually, its rather long, sorry! but if you can take the time to read through it, i really hope it helps.) anyway, its something that i have come to the conclusion of myself and have made it a point to stick by it, and i think it has helped me alot.

i think you would agree that to truly love someone is more than a feeling, its a decision. you have to choose to love that person, even once the feeling passes. the sucky part is when the person that you have chosen to love seems to not exactly feel the same way. they might seem to lose interest in you, or suddenly not love you as much as you thought they did. as you know, when friends let you down people will tell you to forget about them, to move on. but the thing is, you know who YOU love, you know what they have been for you and why you love them. just because they stop loving you back doesnt mean you have to throw away everything they've been for you! now this doesnt mean you wont have to move on to other relationships, and it doesnt mean its not going to hurt to do it. but by no means do you have to forget. you dont have to erase everything that that person has been for you. their decisions might be unfortunate but they are up to them, and their losses are their losses. in some cases, its bad to dwell on the past, but when it comes to love, always reflect on the good times!! hate the bad decisions that your loved ones make, but love THEM for who you know they are. for me, everyone in my life has disappointed me at one point or another, even those who i thought never ever could. but i dont let their mistakes affect my relationship with them, and nothing could ever keep me from loving them the way i know i do. i know who i love and i am confident in that. i really hate some of the decisions they make, and i often feel completely neglected because of those decisions, but i always keep myself on their side, still loving them and rooting for them to make good choices. just because your friend might not be an active part of your life in the future doesnt mean you ever have to stop loving her. you dont have to break your promises, even if she breaks hers!

one final note, think of a parent - a mother. a good, kind, caring mother who wants the best for her child. she raised him right, she brought him up strongly, she loved him to bits, but when he grows older, he still might up straying. he might go his separate way and neglect everything that has been built up, not even realizing the kind of love he had in her. but she doesnt stop loving him. it pains her that he doesnt love her back and she wants more than anything to be a part of his life, but she still loves him regardless. she still wants him to be happy and wants whats best for his life. and if he ever came back to apologize and seek acceptance, she wouldnt be angry. she'd rejoice, and take him in with open arms. now i know you're by no means a parent to your friends, but you can still love them with the same unconditional love. and in that, i think you might just find a bit of peace. your love was never a lie, and no one can ever make you break your promises!


Iloveyou is a strong word.
you should only say it if you really mean it.
but if you do mean it, you should say it often.


people forget.
   
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Re: moving on. - June 29th 2010, 07:23 AM

When it comes to friendships (and relationships in general), I don't really believe in "forever". Now, I am FAR from being pessimistic... but the bottom-line is that people change, and that our relationships with others are bound to change as a result.

A friend (whom, ironically, I'm no longer in contact with) once told me that some friends are like angels: "they're sent down from Heaven to provide guidance and support, then return to Heaven once their task has been completed". Your friend served a purpose during a difficult time in your life. They fulfilled their task... and for that, you will always be grateful. Now, it's time to let them go, to let them guide and support other people... and it's time for you to do the same with the people currently in your life.





   
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Re: moving on. - June 30th 2010, 12:45 AM

i have the same suituation with me.. the pain you feel every second kills and its before when your best friend stopped you from taking pills or using the blade they've become the person to make u wanna do that...
focus on the people who are closest to you besides your friend.. if they are just going to keep hurting you and torturing you thn you need to focus on the people who are still there for you and who matter the most.. i wish you all the best. hang in there...
   
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