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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Is this disrespecting her? - July 4th 2010, 08:32 PM

My mom keeps saying I'm disrespecting her, but I don't understand how. I keep following all of her rules. I'm off the computer when she tells me, I don't get on it until after 9 pm because she doesn't want me on it during the day. I do my chores around the house, including cleaning the entire house. Before I get online each night I sweep the kitchen because my dogs are in there all day and I wash any dirty dishes in the sink. Then I ask her if there's anything else she'd like me to do before I get online. I only see my boyfriend once a week because she doesn't want me seeing him more than that. I never stay out late because while I'm not too clear on my curfew, it changes all the time, I know usually I have to be home before 9, sometimes 10, pm. Although I rarely go out to begin with because my mom says she needs me here. So, I'm doing all of this, but she keeps finding things that I'm doing "wrong". Like just a few minutes ago she started yelling at me because my boyfriend lent me his lap top so I could get online without being at my desk. My mom completely flipped out over it. She said I'm "disrespecting" her by having anything that belonged to him in her house. Is this really disrespectful? I told her that I am dating him so I might sometimes have things of his here. I used to wear his jacket around when it was cold until she flipped out over that. Now I have his jacket hung up in my closet, although she'd be angry if she knew it was in there. But, I don't understand, is it really disrespectful to her if I have things of his here? She says it's because I don't pay rent, so I have to do whatever she says, despite me being 21 already. I feel more like I'm 15 years old again. I'd like to move out, but without a job and my mom being sick, that's easier said than done.



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Re: Is this disrespecting her? - July 7th 2010, 04:05 AM

She may feel threatened by your boyfriend. There are things he's giving you that she either can't or won't give you. If she believes that you might move out as a result of his ability to "provide" for you, then she would have to do everything on her own... and that's a terrifying situation for someone who's very ill.

You could try reassuring her that you don't intend to abandon her. You could explain that his generosity is out of love for you, not out of the desire to "steal" you away from your mother. Unfortunately, it sounds like your mom wouldn't buy into that explanation... some people are just overly paranoid and have the desire to control their children, even into adulthood. I sincerely hope you can get through to her, though... I would love to be proved wrong in this situation!

Good luck!





   
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Re: Is this disrespecting her? - July 8th 2010, 10:14 PM

No I don't think your dispreting her & I think she is compltly overreacting to the whole thing. Why is she so bothered by your boyfriend & why not move out then?
You gott have a long talk with her but don't turn it into a screaming match.
If things start to go badly drop it talk about it another time.
For a 21 year old you do alot more for your mom then alot people ever do.
   
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Re: Is this disrespecting her? - July 8th 2010, 10:53 PM

My parents would be syked on life if I acted like you.
My guess is she is either scared of losing her daughter, or is just a total bitch.
Hope everything gets sorted out.
   
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Re: Is this disrespecting her? - July 9th 2010, 12:32 AM

Your mother seems to be controlling by having you do all those things so perhaps she feels as though you're retaliating against her control by doing something she has not allowed you to do or have. This is also evident by the very nature of your question because you seem to believe what she is saying to be true, although you may not like it. She seems to have a black-and-white thinking in that either you obey her to the letter or you disobey. You are not disrespecting her in any way, if anything she is the one disrespecting you by having you do all these things as though you were a small child needing constant supervision and instruction.
   
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Re: Is this disrespecting her? - July 9th 2010, 12:37 AM

Hmm... not the way I see it. You sound like a good kid


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Re: Is this disrespecting her? - July 9th 2010, 01:06 AM

It doesn't sound like you're doing anything disrespectful. It sounds like she maybe doesn't like your boyfriend or thinks he'll keep you from her. I'm not a mother, but I can imagine that if she's sick and you're helping to care for her that she values you pretty highly. Without you, she might not feel as able or strong. While it's ultimately a compliment, she also needs to be realistic. You're not going to live at home forever and you WILL have your own life no matter where you live. I think you can definitely keep helping her around the house since you don't have to pay rent, but she should also respect YOU and your personal life.

Relationships between parents and children often get better when one or the other isn't relying on each other for financial/emotional/physical support. In your case, you both sort of need each other so I think it can tend to put a lot of stress on the relationship. Try to remember her love for you and remind her to realize that you're an individual with a life that's just getting started.

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