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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PlayingPretend Offline
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He's Gone? - July 19th 2010, 08:25 AM

I've posted more times than I'd like to admit about my best friend, and though I've probably made it seem like an unhealthy relationship, it's really not. Yet at this point, I'm not even sure what to do, because it's quite possibly over and I feel as though it's my stupid fault.

Basically, he's been having issues with his girlfriend, as in he's claimed he doesn't harbour romantic feelings for her, he's admitted to being annoyed by her, finding her immature, he's expressed several problems with her, including that she's hung-up on her ex, and he's said all this on more than one occasion; yet he claims he wants a relationship, and he likes the sexual aspect of it. They've been together all of two weeks, and all of this has already come up (including an issue where she cancelled their plans to go see her ex and a break-up), so as you can imagine, I'm not as supportive of their relationship as I could be. But I've never said this. I've never discouraged it. I've only ever offered him advice and support because he's my best friend and I love him to pieces.

I had this same attitude when they broke up the other day. He wrote a status update that more or less sounded upset... Even though I don't necessarily agree with his reasons for being in the relationship (it seems that he wants the spark to be there more than it actually is, but I cannot say for certain that it isn't there at all), he still seemed hurt, so I texted him with a concerned/worried text message. I also commented on his status, told him I'd texted him, that I loved him and that I was here for him. I didn't hear back from him, but I did, later in the evening, see that they'd gotten back together. He'd refriended her, changed their relationship status and had put up a status update as though nothing had happened. I was hurt, because I'd been worried for him the entire day, stressed out about why he wasn't texting back, and then I had to find out through the goddamn news feed that everything was fine. I retaliated by putting up a status update about it and told him to read it when he got on chat.

He apologised. I would have been fine had he stopped there, but he went on to say that he'd left his phone at home. So I snapped and said "excuses excuses excuses" before saying that, in that case, he could have responded to the text message when he received it OR when he was online changing his status and their relationship status yadda yadda, he could have taken the extra minute to let me know he was okay and/or that everything had worked out. I told him I was angered and upset by this, and next thing I know, he's posted a new status about how he's a horrible friend and should isolate himself from everyone. I didn't bring it up in chat, not wanting to feed into it, but he proceeded to say that he was done with this and that he was going to step back from everyone and re-evaluate his relationships and then said something, again, about being a horrible friend.

I told him that no one said he was a horrible friend but that instead of running away from the problem, why not work it out or at least not do it again. He said he was going to delete all his friends off his Facebook, and he seemed so set on doing it that I said the following --

"i'm not going to sit here and beg you to stop. said i wouldn't do it anymore. -namehere- played this card way too often. i will simply say, you want to take me off? take me off. but even if you're serious about taking off 156 friends, just unfriend me cause that's what you want to do.

don't unfriend everybody else cause i'm the one you're pissed at cause i called you out"

-namehere- was an old friend of mine who often played the leaving card to a) manipulate me into apologising and/or dropping the issue immediately and b) turn me into a begging mess, pleading him to stay. Whether or not this was my best friend's intention, I wasn't going to let it happen again. I said some more things that I honestly can't remember but they weren't very harsh because at that point, I was no longer angry. I was terrified of him leaving and had fallen into complete communication mode, but he signed off on me. So I took him off my Facebook because that's what he'd wanted to happen and sent him a text saying something along the lines of "Sign off on me then. I took care of what you wanted to do. I want you to know that I still love you, I still care and until I harden up about this, you're still welcome back into my life, even though you're the one who chose to walk out of it." and I haven't heard back.

The thing is that I refuse to apologise, and I refuse to go crawling back like a goddamned dog. I've had numerous people tell me I'm right in this situation, and seeing as this has happened before and it's something he's gotten angry at other people for doing... I feel I had to assert the fact that it was something that hurt my feelings. =/ I mean, this is similar to when he had a go at me in front of my mother for my insecurities regarding other women, that he also seemed to blow completely out of proportion. He accused me of getting angry at him for looking when I've told him, and I quote, "you can look all you want (he's the one who said he wouldn't anymore), just don't point them out to me" and then said that I think he's constantly looking at a woman for her body when most of the time, he's admiring their cute face; somehow "she has a really nice ass" or "I love her figure" or howling at a woman out the car window translates to "she has a cute face."

But I don't understand it. Sometimes I feel like he lacks complete respect for me, and there are times I feel like he doesn't even know the meaning of courtesy. It's these small characteristics that, in my eyes, are so obvious to put into practise and they're common enough so that it's odd for me running into someone who acts as though he's never once learnt them or what they mean. But I'm able to look past all this because I do love him, I do care for him deeply, and he's the best friend I've had in a while. He cares for me, too, claims to "love me more," and I believe that he loves me and means it when he says it. The thing is that when I unfriended him, I did so with the intention of giving him the space he'd wanted and I'll admit that, to some extent, it was probably out of hurt. I know he can be as moody as I can be so I was willing to wait it out, but we've never had an argument that lasted longer than an hour, let alone a couple days as this has turned out to be, or is turning out to be. He hasn't gotten in touch with me at all and I'm scared he doesn't care to be my friend anymore.

It's driving me nuts. I don't want to be the first to contact him, because the text message I sent... Well, the nature of it sort of threw the ball back into his court, didn't it? Plus, I feel like I'm too stubborn. I feel like I should be on the receiving end of an apology for the way he acted, or at least like he should be the one to contact me first, since he's the one who said/implied he wanted me out of his life. I guess I was hoping that he didn't mean it, that he spoke out of anger, but he's not at all the type to stay angry this long and guh... I'm starting to worry that maybe he really did get fed up with me. And a part of me is hoping the fact that my sister also unfriended him might mean he's nervous to contact me, but this is me being idealistic about the entire situation, I'm sure, and even if this were a factor, I doubt I'd get the nerve to write him.

Finding his text that said "I would never leave you" didn't help either. I'm not one to believe in never, but for some reason, to end our friendship over this? It seemed a little too easy for him to do and for the word "never" to mean.
   
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Re: He's Gone? - July 19th 2010, 05:12 PM

Heyyy there.

Well, I wanted to let you know that I read through your post. And I hear you. Anddd this is precisely why I post nothing but incredibly happy Facebook statuses - they cause wayyyy too much life drama! But yeah, I mean really I think you're one of the most logical, most intelligent people I've ever met, so the whole follow your heart, but listen to your brain thing is really coming to the front of my mind as I write this.

With that said, though, I do think you did leave the ball in his court, but clearly you care about him enough for this to bother you. I could see how it would see different about the whole his turn to apologize/your turn to apologize thing if this was an intimate relationship, but I think since it's a friendship and since you literally love the person with all of your heart, you're sometimes allowed to break those rules and show them that you really do care immensely and want them back in your life. Maybe give him a few days to cool off and see how the situation progresses and then you can go from there.

Good luck!



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Re: He's Gone? - July 19th 2010, 05:55 PM

Thank you for your advice.

I spoke to my therapist about this earlier and came to the conclusion that if he hasn't spoken to me in a couple more days, three tops, I'll send him a message and ask him where things stand. If he responds with that he still wants to be friends, then great, problem solved, we can hug it out later. If he responds saying he doesn't or if he doesn't respond at all... well, then I'll have a pretty good idea of what I need to do, painful as it's going to be. =/ But I'm going to hope for the best in this situation. I guess I'd simply hoped it'd have blown over by now.
   
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Re: He's Gone? - July 20th 2010, 10:33 PM

So I sent him a FB message... Planned on sending it tomorrow, ended up sending it this afternoon. Here's to playing the waiting game. =/ Hopefully everything turns out for the best...
   
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