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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ocean*girl Offline
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She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 03:22 PM

My friend (let's call her M.) lives in this happy-happy, pink, sparkly little bubble. And it's starting to worry me. She says she wants to be 10 again. She dreads birthdays. She's 14 and has no interest in boys (or girls). M comes from a VERY religious family and has a very controlling dad so that might be the problem.


My mum told me about how as a kid (11 or so) she went to a Catholic school and the one nun really scared her, making her think he body was dirty and wrong. M might be getting those vibes and that could be what makes her scared. I really don't know


She also has this older friend (18!) who tells her about how she wishes she never grew up, blah,blah, blah. This is an 18-year-old who still has a princess canopy on her bed.


Now, not only am I worried for her, it's getting tough to be friends, since we don't have that much in common any more and it's harder to connect. How can I help her? Advice? Thoughts?
   
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 04:28 PM

This is strange since usually teenagers can't wait to grow up just so they can do all the things they're not allowed to (driving, drinking, seeing certificate 18 movies etc). It's like she wants to go back to an age where she had no responsibility or worries and things were a lot easier. I sometimes wish i could be a kid again, just because kids seem so carefree and nothing really mattered back then. That's as far as it goes and i think everyone would like to be a kid again to an extent.

It may be because of her upbringing and her controlling father, maybe he just wants to protect her and stop her from growing up too fast. Have you tried having a talk with her? Telling her you're worried and you just want to make sure she's ok. She may just be maturing a little slower than you, some people are like that. Although at 14 most people have grown out of 'being a kid' its more 'being a teenager' at that age.

I think the only thing you can really do is let her know you're concerns, you can't force someone to change. Obviously if her behaviour doesn't mature eventually then she probably will need to seek medical help.
   
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 04:37 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Footienut1892 View Post
Obviously if her behaviour doesn't mature eventually then she probably will need to seek medical help.
At 14? Hardly, especially if it's not doing her any actual harm.

All I'll say is I knew a girl, a few girls actually who were like this even at 16, and they've all matured considerably. People change, and if she's going to change of her own accord then it's going to happen in the next few years. After all, she doesn't have to worry about maturity until she enters college, and even then...
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 05:34 PM

I wasn't saying if she doesn't mature in the next few months then she should seek medical help, i'm talking years down the line where it could possibly start to affect her life in a negative way. If it's extreme and it is actually affecting her life negatively then she should seek medical help. But yeah, she's still very young so don't worry.
   
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 05:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Footienut1892 View Post
I thought being as there's a name for everything these days that there's probably one for this as well lol
It's not an official term, but Peter Pan syndrome fits it pretty well
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 05:41 PM

Haha yes it does, sorry i edited my post and wasn't paying attention and deleted the part you quoted lol, silly me!
   
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 07:35 PM

Transitioning from childhood to adolescence, and adolescence to adulthood, is rarely easy. Yes, a part of us is excited to have more freedom and privileges... but another part of us doesn't want to deal with the new academic and social pressures that come with growing up. Your friend simply may not feel ready to leave her comfortable little world, where mommy and daddy take care of everything and make all the important decisions for her (especially true, if her father is a controlling parent). The world is an ugly place, and while some people quickly accept this and learn how to avoid troublesome situations, other people don't want to open their eyes and deal it.

I'm not sure there's much you can do for your friend, save for waiting. When I was 14, I was one of those kids who didn't cope very well. As I was forced into situations where I HAD to face reality, however, I slowly began to learn that, as ugly as this world is, I can take control of my life and make something of myself. By the time I was 16, I learned to be more pro-active, to rely on my parents less, and to work toward meaningful goals that would help make the transition easier. I've had friends, however, who didn't "swim" like I did... they "sank" instead. When they became stressed out, they turned to others for help, and tried to shrug the responsibility off of their shoulders. When they couldn't turn to anyone else for help, they did nothing, and let their lives get out of control. Maybe it was due to a lack of maturity, or maybe they simply didn't have the drive to persevere... I don't know.

My point is this: if she doesn't want to deal with the transition, you can't force her to. Situations will eventually arise in her life, and she'll have to make a decision then. No matter how sheltered she is by her parents, that day WILL come. She'll eventually have a situation at school that her parents and teachers can't help her with. She'll eventually have a situation at work where a supervisor can't wave a magic wand and bail her out. It'd be better if it happened sooner vs. later, but it WILL happen. As her friend, you can guide her, talk about how you dealt with similar experiences, point her toward resources, etc. Reassure her that this is something we all have to go through, but that we (for the most part) turn out A-OK in the end. =)






   
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 28th 2010, 08:24 PM

I think this is just a waiting game really. At 14, from what I remember, I was still very much a kid. I am the youngest in my family by a good 6 years, I probably was babied a wee bit too! But once I sorta hit 17, I came on leaps and bounds all of a sudden. It just took me a bit longer to feel comfortable!

Try not to stress too much, as Psy said, there will be a day when she realises she has to make her decisions herself. In the meantime guide her, chat to her, let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk/ask questions.

14 is still very young, things will be ok!
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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 29th 2010, 04:34 AM

I wouldn't say she should seek medical help but you should voice your concern about it to her. It could just be that she is slower in maturing or it could just be a phase in life that she will grow out of. It is very possible that her dad could be the reason for her wanting to stay a kid because he treats her like one and just doesn't want his daughter to grow up too fast.


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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 29th 2010, 04:47 AM

I say don't worry she is only 14 some people take more than others to mature, I would be more worried about her 18 year old friend who doesn't want to grow up. Your friend still has all her high school years to grow up and get out of her princess world.


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Re: She lives in a fairytale world - July 29th 2010, 02:53 PM

I'm thinking wait. Everyone has given me hope, since I was thinking she might never grow out of this.

Talking will do no good, since we went through this rough time where we DID try to talk about it. It ended in fights.
   
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