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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Deadmau5 Offline
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Family and Money. - August 24th 2010, 02:53 PM

I've been having this problem for a long time, and I'm wondering if I'm alone in being frustrated with this.

My mom lost her job almost two years ago now, and frankly hasn't made a huge effort in finding a new one. She says she is, but I know differently. She was content to live off of the buyout her company gave her, and then unemployment insurance. A couple months ago both those things ran out, and she has no way to get money (my parents aren't together, but my dad still tries to help where he can).

What the problem is, is that I've started supporting my mother, and it's frustrating me. I'm paying her bills, buying her smokes, buying her food. All because I'm the only one with employment, and I don't even live full time with her, I live with my dad! Before she was getting money from me, I was trying to help out by buying things my sister needed, like clothes or school trips and things like that. Just so she wouldn't have to ask our mom for money, because she's always lived with our mom.

I'm trying really hard to save money to get myself out of this area, this town, and this isn't helping at all. I've told her that, but she interrupted me by saying "Don't you think you should help your mother?!", which is fair enough. It's not that I don't want to help my mom, I just wish she would make an effort to get money of her own.. I almost feel like she's taking my future away from me, is that wrong of me?


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Re: Family and Money. - August 24th 2010, 04:23 PM

Really, it isn't fair enough. You are the child and she is the mother. Really you shouldn't have to be helping your mom pay for bills and buying her smokes and food. She is the adult and mother, this should be her responsibility.
There came a point where my mom got like that, where she wasn't working, she was only relying on my child support and her alamoney. But she finally snapped into reality and has found a job.

You need to talk to her and tell her that you have helped her long enough and it isn't your responsibility to take care of her and your sister. That she is the mother here and she needs to do what she needs to do to take care of her children and yes sometimes that includes you. Although I completely understand why you are helping with your sister and if you wish to continue then that is your own choice. If I were you, I would want to make sure my little sister was being taken care of at all times no matter what. My brother who is ten years older than me, along with his wife. They would sometimes help me too. They lived in the same area and they would take me in for a week at a time just to hang out and so I could spend time with my niece but I kind of knew what they were doing.

Talk to your mom. Then you can make the choice to completely stop helping her and say no I won't do it anymore or you can say yes mom I will help you out a little but you need to do something to come up for the rest. I would say though if you do continue to help her all the way or just a little, only buy her what she needs, not her smokes because she doesn't need those. Along with little other things that you feel she doesn't need.

If she doesn't step up and I don't mean to make that come off offensive if it does. Then maybe you and your dad need to re evaluate your sister living there and perhaps he has the custody that allows her to live with him. To make sure your sister has what she needs.


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Re: Family and Money. - August 24th 2010, 06:31 PM

hey there stranger. =)

First off, I don't really think that it's fair that you're spending so much money on your Mom. Granted, she is unemployed, and it's nice and all that you're helping out, but I do agree that you're supporting her to a certain extent. You are her child, not her caregiver, or even her spouse. I think it's noble for you to buy your sister things, but once again, you're her brother, you shouldn't be having to do this. I completely understand how close you are to her, and that you like doing this for her, however it's not your place to do so.

The only thing I can offer to you is that you talk with your Mom. Let her know that you want to get out of this area. That you want to make a life for yourself. It's not fair for you to be stuck here because of her. She knows you love her, and you've been nice to her for long enough. It's time that she finds her own source of income again. I'm not saying that you can't occasionally help her if she absolutely needs it, but no more supporting her completely. It's already hard enough on you to save your own money for your future.

I'm also well aware that it's easy for anyone to say to someone else that they need to talk to their parent, and also that it's easy to give advice when you've never been in that particular situation. I just really hope that you find it in you to do the right thing, and not feel bad about it. You need to live your life sweetheart, regardless if your Mother approves or not.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope things start to get better for you. =]

P.S. - If I never covered this, you should NOT feel bad about wanting to live your own life. You're young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You should never blame yourself for wanting to be happy, and making something out of yourself. Don't listen to what anyone else says. You can do anything you put your mind to. Absolutely anything.

xx




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Re: Family and Money. - August 26th 2010, 06:44 AM

Wow this is pretty close to home, when i lived at home I too basicly supported ym mom too (situation was a bit differently, but same problem for me as for you about future and getting out of small crappy town) My mom was on welfare and is really bad with money, i was buying smokes, food, and paying most the rent and several of the bills and was ruining my chance at getting ym foot in the door for a better future.
As crappy as it is/was i told her what she was doing and how i felt about it (she pulled that you got to help your mother with em too) and i told her i was the child i shouldnt be the one having to help, before i got a chance ot even help myself. So i moved out a week later and moved 400km away forcing her to ger her act together, (several time i still sent her some money to help out) but i slowed that down and now she is fine on her own and i have gotten to where i wanted to be. Might be time for you to force the snipping of the cord (so to speak) to force her to help herself in this matter. Saddly sometimes when ppl get too many hand outs and know that things are taken care of on the way they are, they don't have the ambition to strive forward to help themselves, but when you take that safty net away it forces them to walk on their own. Not saying dont help her from time to time, but let her know your not gonna keep doing what your doing and she had better get her shit together. Hope this helped
   
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