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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
bitesize Offline
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My former best friend just ignores me. I don't know why. - September 18th 2010, 06:32 PM

This is really long, I'm sorry. I've tried to make it as short as possible. But I would really really appreciate if anyone could read it and give advice, because I'm really upset over this.

A few months ago, one of my best friends just stopped talking to me. We'll call him V. We became friends about three years ago when he first moved into the school, and we got really close. All of our friends have drifted apart a little since last year when we all started going to different colleges, but most of the time we still make the effort to catch up, and V and I would still hang out every so often, and a group of us used to go out every weekend to the same club.

At the end of April another of my best friends, J, told me that V had been a bit weird for a few weeks and hadn't really been in contact with her much. Not replying to texts and stuff, etc. I hadn't noticed him being like this with me at all so I suggested that maybe she was just imagining it and he had just been busy or something, and he'd start getting in touch again soon.
That night we went out to town and V was there, and was as nice to me as usual, dancing and drinking together, nothing seemed odd. I left a little early that night and texted him on the bus home to tell him where I was and asking him to elt me know he got home safe. He usually would but he never did, so I left him a facebook comment the next day to ask if he'd gotten home alright and he didn't reply, even though he was online and talking to other people.

Ever since then...what, five months ago?? He's just stopped talking to the two of us. Completely. If we text him he won't reply. Same with facebook. I've tried talking to him on chat a few times and he'll just pretend I'm not there. He'll only answer our calls if they're on private number, and then he's really vague.

In June our mutual friend M had a birthday celebration, where we went for a small dinner at her girlfriend's before town, and V was there. He acted completely normally with me and as though he hadn't been doing anything differently. I didn't want to wreck the night by making an awkward scene or confronting him, so I just played along with it, but since then he hasn't contacted me once. Still ignores texts and facebook messages.

We discussed it with M, who's been a very close friend of his for about fifteen years, and she says he's not angry at us or nything, he just gets like this, and he'll get over it. But it's been months now, and it seems like he just no longer wants to be our friend. J and I can't figure out anything that we might have done. It's as though after two years of really close friendship with both of us he's just decided to drop us out of his life.

We don't feel welcome with his friends anymore either. We used to all go clubbing together throughout the year but now, even though his friends aren't acting weirdly towards us, we feel as though he's brainwashing them into not liking us. He tends to badmouth when he's annoyed at someone, and I can only imagine all the bitchy things he's said about us. His boyfriend is lovely but I don't even feel comfortable around him, even though I used to.

It really hurts that he's doing this and it's making me feel so down and lonely. Last night I wanted to go out to the usual place we all used to go to but I felt so excluded from their group of friends and so depressed about it that I couldn't force myself to go and went out with my boyfriend's friends instead. The thing is that we miss him so much, as a friend, that when we do see him ~ usually in a social situation like a club ~ we can't confront him and we all act like nothing's changed. And if we try to confront him about it over the phone he'll just ignore us or avoid us or whatever. I think J sent him a long email a while ago and asked to meet up and he gave her some sort of vague response and hasn't been in touch since.

It's really like he's just decided that he doesn't want us as friends anymore and has decided to ignore us til we go away. If he was a boyfriend he would have been dumped lnog ago, but friendships are harder to let go of. I know if he's being such a wanker over this, I should just move on, but I miss his friendship so much, and it's so hurtful because we don't know what we could have possibly done for him to not want to see us anymore. He was always supportive of my depression and SH, and it was nice having another bisexual friend to empathise with.He just wants to spend time with his new friends and leave his schoolfriends behind. But I feel we at least deserve an explanation.

I really hope someone was able to read this through, I know it was long. But this hurts so much and any advice would be welcome. x


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Re: My former best friend just ignores me. I don't know why. - September 18th 2010, 09:53 PM

The way I see it, you either have to "confront" him in person, or accept what's happened and let it go. Based on what you've said, the second option isn't one you'd like to entertain... so no matter how awkward the first option may be, that's really all you can do. =/

How you want to phrase it is up to you. I'd probably go with something like, "I feel like you've been ignoring me over the past couple of months, and I'd like to know why. Please don't be concerned about my feelings, I just want a straight answer so I can gain some closure." That may be a little TOO blunt... but given how wishy-washy his previous responses have been, you may WANT to be that blunt, or even more blunt than that. "Why have you been ignoring me? Do you no longer want to be friends? Please tell me, so we can either move on or work things out."

I'm truly sorry this is happening to you. I went through a similar experience when I left for college. I've only kept in touch with a few high school friends, and I only see one on a semi-regular basis (the rest are every 1-2 years, for special occasions). It's painful... but what's even more painful is not knowing why you're no longer a part of your friend's life. I hope you can get a straight answer from your friend.





   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My former best friend just ignores me. I don't know why. - September 18th 2010, 11:06 PM

I do kind of want to confront him, but it's just finding a time and a place to do it that's the problem. He's not really local enough for me to just show up at his house, and I'll never randomly bump into him. If I text or email he'll just ignore it. If I see him on nights out I never want to say anything because I don't want to wreck the night, you know?? I suppose I could ring him..but I think I'd prefer to have him in a situation where he can't just walk away.

What's bothering me as well is that I know he's just going to go afterwards and ridicule me and the things I've said behind my back to his friends and his boyfriend, and I care what they think about me because i think they're nice people.
Thanks for the advice though xx


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I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door
...
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Níl a shíltear mar a bhítear.
Things are not always what they seem.
   
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Re: My former best friend just ignores me. I don't know why. - September 19th 2010, 07:27 PM

You know that his friends and boyfriend are nice people, so try and talk to them. See if you can socialise a bit with them, which will both make you feel better and show V that you're not going to accept him blanking you. If you persist, he should soon realise you won't just go away without closure.

I agree with PSY, that a confontation is the best way. Try and put him into a situation where he can't run away. This might involve taking a risk or making you a bit vulnerable, but if his friendship is worth it, then go for it. Try something like going to his house. Tell him that you're coming, and when, several times. Tell him that you'll wait for him to answer you. If he's out, wait for him for as long as you can bear. It is important to stay present in his life, so that he can't forget about you. It would be best to do this with J, so that both of you can get answers. If you know his family well enough, they might invite you in and you can explain to them. They should support you, at least to the extent of getting some answers.
If you can, try and think of why he might do this. Try and think of something you and J might have done on that night you met in town.

You're not alone in this. J is in the same boat as you and you have each other.
Good luck.
r&r x


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