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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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cartoonmania Offline
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Unhappy The Ex - September 22nd 2010, 07:21 PM

I'm really at a loss at the moment. I recently found out my brother is back with his ex fiancee, and I'm very upset and angry about it.

Basically they'd been dating for years, they had arguments, split up, got back together, she snaps her fingers and he comes running, another argument, split up. About 2 years ago, they got engaged, and things seemed good. Then she tells him that whilst she'd been on holiday with a 'friend' she had slept with this 'friend' twice, and the second time lead to her getting pregnant, she then ditched him and left him completely heart broken.

Now, she's back on the scene, with her 2 year old daughter aswell. I knew it was going to happen when he installed a baby seat in the back of the car, and now it's official they're together again.

Right at this moment they're downstairs with the kid running riot and I'm hiding in my room. Maybe i'm just being stupid, but I just don't want to see her, the kid, or mostly, my bro interacting with the kid like it's his own.

I know that people get into relationships with people who have kids from other relationships that didn't work out, and I've no problem with that. But when it's the kid of the stupid twonk that she cheated on him with, I just can't accept that.

And now, all she has to do is snap her fingers or say it's for the little one and he'll come running to her even if it's just a trip to the shops.

I don't care what anyone says, she's not changed and I know she's going to cheat on my brother again but he's too blind to see it.

No one in my family is happy of the news and I just can't play happy families with the bitch that ruined my brother's life before.

What am I going to do? How can I just go along with it? Help!
   
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Re: The Ex - September 22nd 2010, 08:12 PM

Well, there are so many sides to this subject.
I know what you're going through a bit, my brother is literally dating a *bleep*
She has cheated on him, given herpes to those that she cheated on and DID NOT tell them. I.E. This girl is a real monster. sexting other guys while she's in bed with my brother. Just some horrible stuff... so as you can imagine, as his sister, I feel very strongly about her being in his life.
I tried to tell her how I felt, that I thought she didn't deserve my brother and that I wasn't willing to pretend she does.That resulted in a very bad situation, my brother was so mad at me.
At this point, even though I have my reservations about her, he seems to be happy at the moment, so I've let it go. That's what you have to do, let it go.

Another thing, about the mom and kid... I see your frustration here as well, but you have to cut her some slack, being a single mom is hard and to find someone that wants to be with you and take a part in your childs life is a big deal. I get that she cheated, but sometimes people genuinely make a mistake and deserve a second chance, especially if they mean it. I'm not saying that she is or isn't, I'm just saying your brother has a big heart if he's willing to give her a second chance.

I think you should try and see where your brother takes it with her, see how they're doing. Maybe voice you opinion to him personally, not her, and see what he says. Let him know you care and you just want the best for him.


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Re: The Ex - September 22nd 2010, 08:17 PM

Well, the way I see it, you only have two options (neither of which are very pleasant):

1. Continue to stand up for what you believe to be true. Don't welcome the ex-fiance with open arms, don't go out of your way to accommodate her and her child, don't encourage your brother to step in as the new husband/father figure, etc. In some ways, this will make your life easier, because you won't have to constantly pretend that you're happy for your brother... but this could also lead to your brother no longer wanting to be around you. He won't like that you're not accepting of his decision. He'll see this as a war between you and his ex-fiance/her child. He'll feel like he has to pick sides... because your brother is weak. I'm sorry, but he is. And because he is weak, he will not choose your side. You'll have to deal with the consequences that arise from that decision.

2. Smile and nod. Pretend everything is A-OK. Even go out of your way to help the ex-fiance/her child, because that will make your brother happy. The good news is that you get to stay in your brother's good graces. The bad news is that you have to fake it, and that can be incredibly stressful. Your other family members may not be too pleased with your decision, either, if they have all voted unanimously to cut your brother out of their lives. If the ex-fiance breaks up with your brother again, you may feel like you wasted a lot of time... and then, if your brother gets back together with her AGAIN, you'll have to do this all over AGAIN.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation. =( I hope, for everyone's sake, that your brother will eventually get his head out of the ground and realize he's worse off with his ex-fiance in his life.





   
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Re: The Ex - September 23rd 2010, 10:49 PM

Thanks both of you for your advice. She dated 2 other guys after the kid was born, but from what she said in the past she rarely has one for long. My bro is probably the longest to put up with her, both before and after the kid was born.

For the moment I'm going for the route of keeping my mouth shut and say hello. Me and my bro have not always got on very well in the past, and since we seem to be on good terms at the moment, I'd rather keep it that way right now. The rest of the family are also just going along with it right now.

It's now the kid's fault I know, although me and kids really don't go well together as i just have trouble being around them. I think that's mostly because i remember the bad things like the screaming, the kicking my seat when they're sitting behind me, and I try to remember i was a kid too. Although some parents don't give a rats arse about what their kids are doing. Sometimes I see them doing something that I got a hard slap for when I did it.
   
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