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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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WingedWolf Offline
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Am I doing the right thing? - September 28th 2010, 10:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Okay...this is going to be complex and I /think/ it's in the right place. If it isn't mods, do your thing. (Not that you need my permission or anything, but you know!)

Okay, My Mum and Dad were emotionally abusive with each other when they were together, up until I was about 12, when they split up and my younger sister and I were caught in emotional crossfire of the break. But Dad's settled down alot now. Mum, less so.

Mum got a new partner and he was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, but this was ignored by my Mother, even when I tried to discuss it with her. She finally got rid of him when we discovered he was sexually abusing my sister. This was when I was 14/15.

Mum suffered both physical and mental health issues which put me in position of a carer, which I didn't object to because she needed it. However I was always told my work wasn't good enough. She is now predominantly recovered, but I am still suffering her emotional and verbal backlash. She has told me I don't live up to her expectations, that my life has been easy, that I've never lifted a finger for her and so on and further.

I've ended up suffering with eating problems, self injury, depression and suicidal tendancies. I am in recovery, mainly due to my job. I am also suffering with occasional collapses and migraines, theoretically due to stress and pressure. None of this was ever diagnosed as I was forbidden from going to the Doctor about it by my Mother.

I've had a 21 hour a week job in addition to sixth form study for 4 months now. The job is working in a pub kitchen, and it's going grand. I get on really well (ridiculously so) with all of my colleagues, and my boss and I hit it off so well that we're now dating, have been for 3.5 months or so now. He's 26 and I feel I ought to qualify with everyone that he's my first partner, but he's a total gentleman and is moving anything only at my pace. He has, in fact, stopped me occasionally whilst I've been *ahem* in the heat of the moment, and made me wait for 5 to check this is really something I want to do. Which it sometimes was and sometimes wasn't. BUT ANYWAY. We communicate well, spend most of our time together, we're really good for each other, in that he's supporting my recovery, and I'm making sure he manages his stress without hurting himself, which he struggles with.

I've been invited to move into the pub at which I work, in the flat in which my partner lives, because that's the only space left. He's worried about my condition because my physical health is deteriorating and my mental recovery has plateaued. It has been concluded that my improvement is limited until I am removed from the abusive situation. He also really wants me there because he loves me. Now there was previously a plan for me to move in to the pub, in a seperate room, when I turned 18 (in about 18 weeks time) but this has been shunted up the importance list because ...well because I'm sick I think. So I'd be living in the flat with him, working in the kitchen on the ground floor 21 hours a week, attending the same Sixth Form and keeping an eye on my younger sisters situation. (I don't want her to become the new me for my Mums ranting). I would have a chance to sleep in a different area of the pub if I needed to, but that would be on a sofa, which is not comfy for anyone! I would also be organising to spend a night or two every week out of the pub, staying at a friends so Marcus and I both still get our space.

So now I have an opportunity to move in within the next 3 weeks, into my partners flat to get away from my Mum and try and get some serious recovery in. I know this sounds like foolish seventeen year old moving in with her partner too soon and preparing to ruin her life, but I feel this could be the very best thing for me.

I need some second opinions though, so
What shall I do?
   
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Re: Am I doing the right thing? - September 28th 2010, 11:26 PM

Tricky one. Moving out is a really big step, and you have to prepare for your mothers reaction- if she freaks out and then 2 months down the line you need to go back for some reason you could be in trouble. Also how much help does your mother need? As in will your sister be able to cope/have you discussed it with her at all? In one sense I think you should totally go for it- it sounds like you'd be much happier, and if you and Marcus did have problems, would the other room still be available in a few months time? Is there anyone else in the family (or even social services though dunno how involved with them you are) who could help your little sister out from time to time?
Sorry just seem to have asked more questions, but hey, things to think about!
   
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Re: Am I doing the right thing? - September 29th 2010, 08:07 AM

No, I love that you ask questions, it helps me make sure I'm not missing anything so thank you.
The thing with my Mothe is that the amount of help she needs and the amount of help she claims to need are not the same. Yesterday she told me whe could not hoover because she couldn't stand up and walk around, proceeded to call a friend of hers and spend the next hour standing and walking around on the wireless phone. She is somewhat manipulative in that sense I think.
I am worried about my Sister's situation and have vowed to stay local for as long as possible to keep an eye on it. As noone outside of me, my sister and my Mum know about the abuse thing (she forbode talking about that too) I'm also hoping to make sure my Father knows about the abuse within my Mothers home. In addition to that there have been discussions within the pub (it wort of works like a family unit!) about what to do if problems concerning Hannah leapt up and the short answer is - I would get involved. I would talk to Hannah about what she wanted and then back that all the way, whether that as staying with Mum, Dad, going in to care, or moving in with me. I am prepared to take responsibility for my Sister if the need arises.
I am worried about the burning bridges I'll have to walk back across, but the room downstairs should open up again in a few weeks if I need to move out of Marcus' flat, and if I need to move out of the pub all together, I have a friend who lives close to my Sixth Form whose family needs a helper, to do some cleaning when her Mum and older sister are manic and distracted. So I'd do that and earn my bed and board. I think that covers most of my bases. At least I hope it does!!

Thank you SO MUCH for your questions, suggestions and advice
   
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Re: Am I doing the right thing? - September 29th 2010, 07:53 PM

It sounds like you've definetely thought it through =] so I hope it all goes well for you! Your job sounds pretty awesome too.. I def think you should discuss it properly with your sister though if you haven't already, or she may feel (no matter how much you mean to stick around and help her out) that you're abandoning her to be with your mum on her own.
   
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