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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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BlueWolf Offline
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Unhappy Never good enough. - October 9th 2010, 09:40 PM

I'm so tired of this. I never seem good enough for me dad, at least ever since he married his third wife who he now divorced. Together, they would put me down every single day and tell me how horrible I was and all kinda of nasty stuff that I'd rather not go into. But... even though my dad got a little better, one thing has not changed.

Everytime I talk to my dad, something bad happens. We fight over everything, and normally it starts out as a normal conversation and he will say something to put me down, something offensive, or all of the sudden start yelling at me. The most recent time was over my medication. He's been wanting me to try all natural stuff instead of taking celexa and tegretol. After being hospitalized, I tried deprex (not sure if anyone heard of it), but got no results and went back to what I was prescribed with which actually keeps me from being suicidal, but that's almost all that it does. Still, it keeps me here. Anyway, he was yelling at me because I didn't try the exact medicine he wanted me to. Firstly, my mom got me that stuff, and secondly, I had asked him before to send it to me, and he never did. What am I to do with no job and trying to already pay for college?

Anyway, basically, he later sent me an e-mail saying that he doesn't know what I want from him and was putting me down in it. What am I supposed to say to that? We always fight so intensely going into how much pain we have caused each other. I told him... after several years of course, how much his words have cut through me then he basically snapped at me and told me I was just playing the guilt trip on him, and I was trying to make him feel bad, but I convinced him otherwise and he just started telling me how delusional I am. I'll ask him what I do wrong and what can I do, and he'll send me pages of things wrong with me. He says it's why he refused to go to my high school graduation, why he won't call me on my birthday, or any holiday, or ever for that matter. Apparently I have hurt him so much that he wants nothing to do with me anymore.

I get he's under stress and things are not working out for him, but it's been about three years now and it's just getting worse. He shoves things down my throat like how poor he is and how everyone is stupid and just fights with him when he knows he's right. UGH HE'S JUST SO DAMN VAIN!!!! I would love to just scream at him but I know it won't do any good. I can't talk to him, can't even try to express myself in a letter or song. Can't do anything to get through to him. Could I really be so horrible to deserve all of this?

I'm just never good enough.

On top of that, I let my emotions get the best of me when we talk now, ever since I first let it out. It had been building for years. I can't help it though, it rushes right out and I loose control now. I have no idea what to say to him, or should I just let it go? Should I just try to act like a little kid again and say yes sir to everything all over again? Say I'm sorry to everything and try to be the perfect kid he wants me to be just to please him?

I don't know what to do, and nothing is working.

Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

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Re: Never good enough. - October 12th 2010, 08:15 PM

It sounds like you've been putting up with your father's verbal abuse for quite some time, and you've only recently begun to tell him how you feel. On one hand, I can understand why he would be upset and lash out in return. On the other hand, he should have understood that you probably feared that exact reaction, and that's why you held off on saying anything.

If I were in your position, I think I would limit the amount of contact I had with your father. Call him once or twice a week to say hello, ask him how he's doing, etc. Keep it simple, don't try to argue about anything. That way, your father can't say you're giving him the cold shoulder or being selfish, but you don't have to expose yourself to his verbal abuse, either. If he DOES become hostile during your phone conversations, say something along the lines of, "It was great talking to you, but I have a lot of homework to do. I'll call you in a few days!" and end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Sometimes, when two people are really stressed out, they just need to spend some time apart from each other, cooling off and reflecting on their conflicts. Given time, you may be able to find a way to address these conflicts, without sounding childish/selfish/whiny/"guilt-trippy". Take your time in figuring out what you want to say, and how to say it.

I wish you all the best, both in your relationship with your father and your mental illness. <3

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dad, family, good, not good enough

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