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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Name: Melanie
Age: 30
Gender: Female

Posts: 313
Blog Entries: 1
Join Date: November 11th 2009

my friend is dating an instructor? (VERY LONG) - November 19th 2010, 05:08 PM

so as the title implies, my friend started dating an instructor at our college about a month or so ago. they are not 'officially' together, but pretty much just hooking up.

it started a while back, my friend, lets name her Nicci, so Nicci and I both had a crush on this instructor. For me it was just playful, he is funny and geeky and awkward, so it was innocent on my part.

Nicci on the other hand had other things in mind with him. She would deliberately wear "sexy" outfits and come into the class I had with him and try and get his attention. He didn't exactly hide it, and she wasn't really very careful about who she told about the flirtation. Nicci and I had been aware that there were rumors about him and another student, lets name her Rachel, a lot of people had suspicions that they were living together, ect, and I wasn't surprised to find out that those rumors were true, but we'll get to that later.

So this instructor and Nicci started really hitting it off, she would send me messages and texts telling me what they're talking about, how he's been texting her/calling her how they'd talk for hours on end. At first it was exciting and I was happy for her, but then the stuff she was saying to me didn't add up and I started feeling as though there was something wrong. I kept trying to dig to see what it was that was off.

Finall, Nicci told me that the instructor was still living with Rachel, but their relationship was failing and a break-up was soon on its way. She would text him saying, "oh, I'm so sorry, I hope everything works out" you know, being friendly. Obviously she liked him but he was taken, and then he would send her messages back saying things like, "Seriously? Who's side our you on anyway?!" implying that she shouldn't be hoping things get better. I just felt weird and kept telling her to be careful. Saying that there must be a reason things are going down hill with Rachel and that if he's talking to her, flirting with her, that it would be easy for him to do it again. She assured me that he was not at all like that and that she felt I was being jealous.

I was not jealous. After all that I'd been feeling, whatever harmless attraction I had had for him was gone. I was just afraid for my friend.

So they kept seeing each other, eventually he ended up sleeping with Nicci while he was still with Rachel. they did this for about two weeks until finally, Rachel broke up with the instructor and asked him to move out.

It wasn't long after that he started asking Nicci for things, asking her to come over all the time, but still saying things like, "you can't get attached to me" "we shouldn't feel like we're in a relationship" "you know this isn't going to go anywhere" she would tell me these things and all I could think was... she needs to get out.

Meanwhile during this time, the instructor would come into the student store, that's where I work, and chat with me and my other friend, usually discussing classes, etc. He would do this fairly often, but one day after I thought the conversation had ended he said, "well, unless you want to continue talking..." I didn't quite get it at first, but that comment sort of put me on edge, like, why would he want to continue talking to me? I'm just a student and the only things I'm interested in talking about our classes and graduation, thanks.

But he stayed! And kept talking to me. My boss ended up getting so irritated that he had to ask the instructor to leave. My boss is awesome. He loves conversation, so it was kinda strange. Until he said, "That guy was obviously hitting on you, didn't you see that? I could feel the flirtation in my office." And my friend that I work with said, "What do you think, Melanie, that he comes in here to talk to me? He doesn't even care about classes. He comes in here to talk to you." so that was interesting to hear. I guess I could have dismissed it, but the instructor had asked me to come into a room he would be in after work. So... I felt uneasy. For the next two hours I kept thinking, "Should I go and see if my boss and friend are right? So I can see if he's really a good guy or if he's a sleeze ball?" and "I really shouldn't go, because I KNOW what will happen." So, I went.

I know it was obviously the wrong thing to do, I knew that if my friend found out I went up into a classroom just to talk to him she'd think I was trying to like hit on him, but in reality I was just curious. I couldn't imagine that he was really flirting with me. He told my friend Nicci that he thought I was weird and strange, and she even mentioned to me at one point that he said he was NOT AT ALL attracted to me. So... I couldn't understand his intentions.

I went up to the classroom and brought homework, thinking that's what he wanted to discuss. I had everything out and open, I DID NOT go over to him. He came to me. He started conversation and in the back of my mind I said... I will be normal, but keep in mind what he says. I don't know why I was so curious, but I'm glad I did what I did because I figured a lot out, I think.

We talked a lot, he told me about his ex wife and his "younger ex girlfriend" and finally he offered to give me a ride home. I had already had a ride set up, but decided to go anyways. I let my friend know what I was doing (the friend I work with) and he said that it was dumb, but he understood.

The instructor kept saying, "I really shouldn't be doing this," and "we really shouldn't be talking like this," etc, I played along saying, "Oh, I know," it was stupid, but... how far would he go? I felt like I was undercover. Everything he said just made me think... did he say this to Nicci? did he say this to Rachel?

I felt bad, his story wasn't a pretty one... but did that make it easy for him to score point with girls? They felt pity... they wanted to make him feel better, give him something better? I think so. I felt bad for him. I felt almost like it was almost okay that he was talking to me, but then I remembered... he's having sex with my best friend. Why is he spending time with me?

At the end of the ride, he went in for a hug and said that I could talk to him whenever I needed to, that he was here for me, etc.

There are other minute details, like the fact that he was texting while talking to me, deliberately holding the cell phone AWAY so I couldn't see (I knew he was texting Nicci) I kept asking if he had somewhere to go, he said no, I mentioned that I knew him and Nicci had talked a few times, etc, but he denied that, like over denied it, like, "No, no, no, we don't talk AT ALL." and he seemed like.. if things didn't go his way, he's get extremely agitated.

So I left (without hugging him back) very confused, just in a state of... wtf... really. I wanted to send Nicci a message right away, but would she believe me?

It's been eating at me, and the instructor has still tried talking to me, also mentioning in the conversations that he's been in the same classroom as before... I think implying another "get together", I did NOT go.

He did tell Nicci some things that were said, but as far as I'm aware she did not know he drove me home.

She said that he has been more distant as of late and that she's not sure what she should do because she is sleeping at his apartment lately and he hasn't made any attempt to tell her she should leave.

I am so confused. I just need some advice. Also, I am terrified to tell her because she MAY react badly and think I am making things up out of jealous, he may find out, and that could be bad because he's on the team that will determine weather or not I can graduate.

Any... advice?

Thanks for reading, I know it was long.


-Melanie


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